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maybe some sign of recovery.....facing myself...


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Yesterday evening my flatmate had her friend round for a while. I walked into the kitchen while they were there and looked at the friend and said hello. This is an really big step for me. In terms of how I have been in the past year or so when my depression and anxiety have been really intense. I would previously have either not gone into the kitchen at all with a 'stranger' there, or walked in and then out again as fast as possible trying to be invisible, or I would have said hello without looking at her.

On Saturday evening I needed to dance to express my feelings, as I was feeling some really difficult angry rageful destructive feelings, and had a powerful experience of walking towards myself, my image in the mirror, and not turning away from myself, not rejecting myself, continuing to walk towards myself, even though I was crying, I did not flinch or run away from my tears and sadness and longing to be seen.

I am still trying to understand how it is that there is part of me that is well and empathic and compassionate and healthy and always has been, has survived 'against the odds'.....when I also have a part of me that is very unwell and depressed and unstable.....how did the goodness survive.....how did I protect it when everything else was crashing down around my ears, when I have been so broken, how is it that the heart of me is and has been...so unbreakable and strong.....? I talked about this in therapy this morning.....

...and we identified it as my soul......the truth of myself, my real feelings.

As we talked this morning about the strength and vitality of this life within me I became aware of the violent feelings again, this scared me...and yet somehow, seemingly miraculously, I realised with a sudden tearfulness and relief that the root of the violent feelings is my fear of being rejected all over again.......like I was when I was a child and I experienced a lot of rejection.

I am starting to feel real sadness....and also real joy......my task is to safely contain and hold these feelings so that they become creative tools in my growth and life. If I continue to take it slowly and gently......guiding my hands, with secure, safe boundaries.....

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I am still trying to understand how it is that there is part of me that is well and empathic and compassionate and healthy and always has been, has survived 'against the odds'.....when I also have a part of me that is very unwell and depressed and unstable.....how did the goodness survive.....how did I protect it when everything else was crashing down around my ears, when I have been so broken, how is it that the heart of me is and has been...so unbreakable and strong.....? I talked about this in therapy this morning.....

...and we identified it as my soul......the truth of myself, my real feelings.

I also believe that a universal presence exists, I would in this case, simply call it grace. (for myself, as I have asked this question as well).

Also, related to the other thread we've been chatting on in this board, I'm getting the two mixed up; but Fiona made a comment about, I think her grandparents' love being there for her when times were bad.

My therapist told me that if there was ONE person, a relative, teacher (e.g., your dance teacher, anyone at all) who believed in you and you could feel the love, then often times that is enough to sustain the child's spirit and keep the child from growing totally despondent and failing to thrive, etc.

The love, recognition, safety of just ONE person...for me, it was my grandmother. She had no clue as to the severity of the incest her own son was perpertrating upon me, but she loved me unabashedly, was my champion--more so than any of her other grandchildren. I continue to believe it is from her I got the essence of worthiness that grew to be the strong warrior woman that lives in me today. And also to endure the hard times that were at hand, and to come after she died (when I was 12).

But you sound like your growth is making quantum leaps! Good on you!

Hugs,

S9

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Yesterday evening my flatmate had her friend round for a while. I walked into the kitchen while they were there and looked at the friend and said hello. This is an really big step for me. In terms of how I have been in the past year or so when my depression and anxiety have been really intense. I would previously have either not gone into the kitchen at all with a 'stranger' there, or walked in and then out again as fast as possible trying to be invisible, or I would have said hello without looking at her.

On Saturday evening I needed to dance to express my feelings, as I was feeling some really difficult angry rageful destructive feelings, and had a powerful experience of walking towards myself, my image in the mirror, and not turning away from myself, not rejecting myself, continuing to walk towards myself, even though I was crying, I did not flinch or run away from my tears and sadness and longing to be seen.

Yes!

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thank you....your replies mean a lot...specially as I'm feeling somewhat tender still from a nightmare/flashback to when I was bullied, and other deep and powerful symbols....(I may post about this tomorrow, after therapy)last night that left me feeling vulnerable.....it is important to know *what-else-there-is*...

I am deeply moved and touched by all your words....tears come into my eyes...good tears....

For me it must have been my dance teacher....(will try and post photo of me dancing tomorrow too...I have a good one scanned in of one I had a major role in when I was 17, to David Fanshawe's African Sanctus) yet that was only from when I was 11.....before then....??????

The quote about Fear.....I can so relate...it has been such a struggle to face the monster...and, as I type, what comes is that but when I saw the monster, I saw love......at the heart of me....I'm deeply moved....

I have plenty more to say, but don't have long this evening...will come back to this tomorrow...but I wanted to add that I studied a very reflective form of yoga for 10 years, including training to and teaching dream yoga.... we did many refections on what is the purpose of your life, what makes your life worthwhile living...and I wrote all this high faluting spiritual stuff when inside I was feeling torn apart and desolate and suicidal.....(lets not go there....)and now, through therapy....is the only safe way I know to find my true self.....because I'm no longer escaping...I left yoga when 'anger' was frowned upon and discouraged, and I needed to find my ability to be angry to heal...and you can't talk about such intense violent feelings as exist in my unconscious in the format of a spiritual development class.....I learnt to 'tuck it all away'....all over again...

until I now I can explore it with my therapist, who I feel very safe with...she is very skilled and able to contain my difficult feelings until I am ready to accept them back, and she just...knows....in the same way as my dance teacher knew....only my therapist uses words....and her heart to communicate and guide and support and....I'm there too. I'm here too now, I'm not dissociated. I'm not quite so split...and, even tho I had a crappy night last night, when I looked in the mirror at work today I see that I actually look pretty......(so convinced have I been of my ugliness....which is in part due to the bullies' indoctrination, but also, as my therapist puts it, a connection of my 'ugly feelings'...but now I find beauty in my ugliness and light in the darkness.....

I remember a line towards the end of "My Kleinian Home" by Nini Herman, where her daughter becomes a beauty therapist, and asks whether, as a psychotherapist, psychotherapists are "ugly therapists"....hmmm.....both...

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Nestling,

I feel like we are on similar wavelengths right now.  You have put into words, what I've been working towards verbalizing. 

I'm glad you are doing the work in therapy.  It's HARD work, and lots of people give up on it. 

You go girl....

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f4e9f6a5.jpg

Me, aged 17, dancing as the Collective Unconscious to David Fanshawe's African Sanctus, it was an extended group dance about the integration of dark and light, the individuation process.....very powerful and moving......

My therapist said this morning that I am integrating my Shadow.....This is so vital and so special.......

I explained how I feel that my body is a container or vessel that is strong and healthy, and within it somewhere I carry a broken vase, that I have to learn to live with and carry responsibilty for......

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it is important to know *what-else-there-is*...

Hold onto this! As Cerberus said, remember there's more to you than the pain and the depression.

I learnt to 'tuck it all away'....all over again...

until I now I can explore it with my therapist, who I feel very safe with...she is very skilled and able to contain my difficult feelings until I am ready to accept them back,

It sounds like you have a good relationship going here. I've done similar, I've 'left' things in my therapist's office until I could safely integrate them. At times I've also 'left' all those nasty 'voices' under his couch so that I could get things done.

Keep going, Nestling, it sounds like you're going in a good direction!

I've been wondering if 'Nestling' is a reference to feeling like a young creature just beginning to look past the nest? Or something else?

Fiona

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thank you, Fiona. ;)

yes, things are going well...

and, nestling does refer to a baby bird feeling.....needing safety and security, being nurtured so I can learn to 'fly'...become myself, free.....at the same time as hopefully being able to nestle up close to someone in a different way...

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