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Overdose?? TW


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Hi guys,

I wasnt sure where to post this - please move or delete if its in the wrong spot. 

I wont go into too much detail, as I dont want to be triggery or describe something inappropriate, but I've decided tomorrow to take a large overdose of an over the counter medication. (Pretty common overdose one). A lot of stuff has been going on in my life recently, and last week my therapist told me he is leaving (our last appt is tomorrow). 

I've thought it through lots, and researched thoroughly, and I feel like this is my only option at the moment. I'm fairly confident that I've got enough for it to be permanent, but I wanted to check on here and see if anyone else has had similar experiences taking massive overdoses and surviving? Was there any long-term damage? Did you recover fully? Or did it completely ruin your life and your health? From what I've read there are three outcomes - 1, recover completely. 2, recover but have huge long-term health consequences. and 3, fatal. 

To be honest I'm not really even sure if i'm making the right decision, but it feels like the only one at the moment. I'm scared both of it working and of it not working. I know you guys will feel obligated to get me to seek help, but I really just want to hear if anyone has been in a similar situation and what the outcome was. 

Edited by tiffanyaching
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Tiffany, you know that we're going to tell you to find some help because what you really want is help-not just you, but all of us. People only start thinking that they want to be dead when they're really in over their heads, emotionally speaking, and in a lot of psychological pain. It's better to be alive, and coping functionally. Anything is possible if you're alive.

I think it's appalling that your doctor is leaving with only a week's notice. That seems tremendously unprofessional to me. And plain inconsiderate. I lost my tdoc this time last year very abruptly, and it hurt like hell (we had been together for over a decade), and I'm still stuck between missing him and being furious with him. It's such an important relationship. Do you have any leads on a new therapist?

And to answer your last question, gingerly: I know one person who thought his OD on pills would be a sure thing. He walks with a cane now. 

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Thanks Gearhead. I know its not an ideal situation, but I'm just really struggling, and my tdoc leaving is just the cherry on top of the pain cake at the moment. He told me he's known for a couple of weeks now, but didn't tell me earlier as I was away and he wanted to tell me in person. I'm really upset because he's the best therapist i've ever seen - and i've seen a lot! I feel really betrayed and mad at him, but I know he did his best to let me know with as much notice as possible. He was also my case manager, so we had a closer relationship than usual. 

I'm meeting my new case manager tomorrow during our last appointment - not getting a new tdoc, she'll be a social worker. The service I'm at want to refer me to a specialist personality disorder clinic, but its got about a 2 month waiting list. So no therapy until then. I know its childish but I really don't want to even meet my new case manager. 

Thanks for answering my question - I think if I survive but don't recover, I'll need a liver transplant, which is something i definitely don't want to go through. I just still feel like its my only option right now. Rock, meet hard place. 

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I hear that you're in overwhelming pain, and that you aren't sure how to solve the problem of reducing your pain. It's especially worse when therapists leave and we have to end a relationship. I know you said there's a lot of other stuff going on as well. It's totally understandable that you'd not want to meet your new case manager, too. Change is hard. Especially when that change means losing a relationship you've really valued.

I've seen people die from liver failure. It's painful and I don't recommend it.

If you're not really sure your decision is right, and you intend it to be the case that it is irreversible, would you consider delaying 24 hours after your planned date?

I know two months seems like an incredibly long time to wait for specialty care. And it's also a shorter time to wait than "never will get to do it because I'm dead."

 

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I was in hospital a couple of months ago for similar reasons, a few of my really close family members are really sick, one of my oldest friends died unexpectedly 3 weeks ago, I had to drop out of uni, I lost my scholarship and I just ended a long-term abusive relationship. I just feel like I can't take anymore. I have major trust issues and it took me a long time to trust my current therapist, and I'm not sure how I'll manage without his support. 

Liver failure is what I'm really scared of. I know its horrible and long and painful. But if it happens, its probably what I deserve. 

Thank you for your kind words and support. I'll try my hardest to delay and talk it through first, but I'm not feeling all that optimistic. 

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Tiffany -

Reading through what you wrote, I was struck by a phrase you used, twice. The first time, you said you thought this was your only option at the moment. The second time, you said you felt like this decision was your only one at the moment. This suggests strongly to me that you realize that in another moment, things could change, and that you could find that you have another option, that you could make another decision. It could happen in a moment. Any moment. We live in our moments, moment to moment. All we have is the present moment.

But if you do what you are thinking of doing, the moment when something might change for you will definitely, absolutely never come. You will have no more moments at all. No more chances.

Unless you try and screw it up, and then the moments to come could be filed with regret and pain and suffering worse than you experience now.

On the other hand, you can look at the many, many people here at CB who have faced similar challenges and have worked to better their lives by sticking it out, fighting, and reaching that better place because they understood that at the moment doesn't mean forever.

Get rid of the pills. Do it right now, this instant, while you realize what a bad idea it is, and keep up the good fight along with us.

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Cerberus - you're right - reading back through my post I did say 'at the moment' a lot. I guess I do understand its not a sensible decision, and if I can manage to let the wave pass then I'll be ok. I have been planning it for about a week now, so it doesn't feel like one of my usual impulse decisions, but I know that doesn't necessarily mean its well thought out. 

I'm not in a good enough mood to be proactive enough to throw my medication out. I know if I do I'll be mad at myself in the morning. But i'll try and sleep on it, and maybe I'll feel differently once I've slept (its almost 4am here in Australia, and I haven't slept, which I'm sure isn't helping). 

Thank you all so much for your support. It really means a lot to me :)

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Tiffany,

Don't do it. As Cerberus said, this moment will pass. I don't think you want to overdose. I think you want the pain to stop. It will if you give it a chance and give it time. I was in your position several years ago though with a different method. Fortunately, it failed. I am now so happy that it failed because my life is so much better. I scare myself when I think of how close I came. But thank God I was spared. The time will come that you too will be so glad you didn't act on this impulse.

I know the method you are talking about. It is horrible. You are likely not to die immediately and are more likely to go into liver failure which is hellish. Even if you come through without liver failure, you probably will have liver damage that will haunt you all the days of your life. Don't do this to your body.

You say that you can't get therapy for 2 months? Two months is not a long time. It just seems long to you when you are in a lot of pain. But you can do it. You've come through a lot of pain, and I am confident, you can hold on for two more months.

Please, rethink this. Please don't do anything that can't be undone.

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Tiffany - If you can't make yourself throw out the pills, then do this instead: Write a note on a sticky or a small piece of paper that simply says, "What if your best moment is just around the corner?" Then, tape it to the pill bottle so you would have to see it before you could open the bottle. You can do that for yourself, at least, eh?

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Hi everyone - bit of an update.

10/10 would NOT recommend this! I did end up massively ODing - got rushed to hospital and was only discharged a couple of days ago. It was really really horrible. I was given activated charcoal via a naso-gastric tube (anyone who has had this will know how disgusting it is), and litres and litres of antidote and misc drugs. I was throwing up constantly the whole time I was there, and couldnt keep anything down. I've stopped my regular meds cold turkey as the thought of swallowing pills makes me gag. By the end I was throwing up so violently that I wet myself every time (as a 22 year old female this was incredibly embarrassing!). 

I got really sick and ended up in acute liver failure, and came incredibly close to dying. They had to call a code on me a couple of times. I got discharged on monday night as soon as I was medically stable. The psych follow up was pretty rubbish, but as I was an IP only a few months ago I guess they were fairly reluctant to readmit me, which I'm grateful about. I'm pretty devastated because I completely missed my last ever appointment with my tdoc, and have still yet to meet my new one. 

At this stage I'm going to move back in with my parents, as they've decided me living away from home is too dangerous. The doctors in ED said it was the biggest OD they've ever seen, and I am incredibly lucky to be alive. Liver is still dodgy but is apparently tracking in the right direction. 

Thank you all so much for your support and kind words through this. I definitely should have followed your advice, but wasn't in a place to do so at all. I just have to say, if anyone else is considering taking an OD, please please reconsider. Definitely not a pleasant way to die.

Tiff xx

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I'm glad to hear from you and sad to hear the od seemed like the best way to manage things at the time.

it sounds like you got a lot of unpleasant outcomes that you weren't anticipating and missed out on some things you wanted.

please be gentle with yourself as your body and mind and heart likely feel pretty fragile right now.

im glad you didn't die

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What do you imagine would be helpful if it gets to be so difficult, again?
I don't want for you to have to go through that again. As you mentioned, it's not exactly a kind or pleasant experience.

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