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Today has drained on me like this weird non-reality feeling, a numbness setting in. Coming home I feel depleted of my faith in everyone and everything. I don't even see the point in posting this, except I know I've been helped in the past when I've let stuff out, and I guess I know there are people who care about me here. But I don't even know what to say, or how to describe what's wrong. It's like this feeling that I can see the future, and it's just like this, except it never improves, never adds up to more than this. A struggle uphill to nowhere.

I don't think I have a right to write this. I don't feel like my downturn really matters. I feel like I'm manipulating people into having to say nice stuff, and there really isn't anything to say except platitudes and cliches, since I can't even begin to explain what's wrong with my existence. Born to parents who couldn't handle a child but were good people otherwise. A childhood of fear and isolation, emotional hot and cold, nothing ever stable. Tormented by peers, criticized my my mother, ignored by my father. Forced to teach myself how to get by, somehow. Told by doctors I should be permanently institutionalized, I forged ahead, couldn't listen to anyone.

Who fucking cares? I know how to do things I shouldn't know. I have travelled in circles far beyond my capacity, and learned from many people. I've been so many people, but always partly trapped, not sure whether I simply think in a different language than everyone else or if there's some secret roadmap that most people are trying to navigate while I'm just wandering, looking at the stars.

I'm an invisible statistic. I'm an anomaly. A maladaptive mutation, refusing to die. Metastasizing in my will to live. The beauty I see and the amazing things I've discovered are trapped with me, serving no purpose, benefitting no one.

I'm a whiny bitch. People are losing loved ones, losing jobs, losing their minds, and I'm just a tired old story. A movie you keep meaning to see, and you've heard it's really good, but you're never in the mood because it looks really depressing to actually watch. My losses happened before I could even have anything, and there's no way to rebuild that.

I have to read stuff for class, and sleep so I can work another day in a job that only pays me enough to afford to have a roof over my head and food so I can work another day at the job. As it's been since I entered this world, no one can see how much urge to live there is in me, how big my dreams are. I just look like a sad stranger, who has interesting things to say and has clearly been through a lot.

I'm sick of taking care of myself. I'm sick of it.

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Can't avoid platitudes or cliches ...

But this is what is called life. And the older you get, well, it really doesn't change much. You can change how you look at things but the world isn't going to change. And I am not at all certain that I want to change the way I feel about many things.

Erika, human, believe it or not

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That's your cliche? Get used to it? I'm almost certain I'm not hearing you correctly, because you're saying you're human (which I believe, you've always seemed perfectly friendly even if we've debated stuff intellectual). So yeah I missed your point. Probably my fault right now.

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Gee whiz...I didn't know frogs could be drama queens. You miss the point because the point is too simple for your very complicated frog brain.

Sylvia

slam on brothers!!

Edited to add:  Ericka, my "slam on brothers" meant that people would be angry at me for writing what I did, and slam me for being too curt. I am sorry I wrote that, but life is too difficult to make more complicated.

Sylvia

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Perhaps, simply the human condition? I think what you are expressing is not unique. Do you see how big my dreama are? Do you see how much urge there is in me to live?

I have a complicated brain, don't we all?

Please explain what slam on brothers means, because my simple brain does not understand.

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I feel the same way, Jem.

People don't understand how much goddamn potential or zest for life or capacity for joy or whatthefuckever I have.

You're a seeker.

And that's supposed to be the first step, right?  Towards what, I don't know.

When you find out, would you tell the rest of us?

(I feel like I'm following you around on CB today.  I kind of am.  ;) )

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I feel like I know exactly how you feel Jem.  Really.

And the moods always wax and wane, yet underneath it all, it seems like that darkness will always remain.  No matter how we reframe it.  No matter what we achieve in life. 

Perhaps its all a matter of brain chemistry and neurotransmitters.  But I think we know that the brain is separate from the mind.  It goes deeper than just the hardware. 

All I can say, is sit with the feelings.  It freaking blows not to have an intellectual understanding when the wave hits.  It's hard to organize it all. 

Your feelings are real.  You are real.  You are a human having a human experience.  Wait it out. 

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I don't feel any need to intellectually understand what I'm feeling right now. I just feel like I need to know anyone cares. Apparently the response I am due is "yeah, guess what, there's nothing special about you." Which I just don't understand why you would post that, is all. I didn't say there was anything special about me. You don't even know me.

At least someone is following me around ;)

I need the equivalent of real hugs. No virtual hugs, unless they're really creative.

I want a cookie.

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I don't feel any need to intellectually understand what I'm feeling right now. I just feel like I need to know anyone cares. Apparently the response I am due is "yeah, guess what, there's nothing special about you." Which I just don't understand why you would post that, is all. I didn't say there was anything special about me. You don't even know me.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Jem,

If I didn't care, why would I respond? The message is not, "there is nothing special about you". The message is that you are human and therefore not alone. The replies that followed were saying "I know how you feel". I thought I was doing the same.

You are right, I don't know you. You don't know me. Why would you assume I am trying to make you feel bad or intellectualize anything. I was responding to you. I had no intention of upsetting you. 

I'm not apologizing, I was trying to acknowledge your feelings. But I will not reply to your posts if I am going to upset you.

Erika

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Thanks for clarifying Erika. Like I said, I figured I was misreading you. I guess I know I'm not alone, except I'M ALL ALONE. You know? Like Sting said. It's weird how one of the only conditions no one seems to have any sympathy for is being alien. You tell people, I'm an alien! It sucks! And people just sort of turn away, thinking whatever that guy's a freak.

At least I'm starting to amuse some dark corners of my mind again.

I don't know who the hell Sylvia is. Just to point that out.

Edited to add that Erika sent me a message and clarified that she was only trying to be nice and was very nice in it and it crossed with my message saying sorry I'm being a spaz.

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Sorry I'm not going to be able to make you feel better, I just hope I don't make you feel worse.

I feel like I'm manipulating people into having to say nice stuff

Maybe you are, probably you arn't. I don't think I'd feel manipulated into saying nice stuff (if I'd have to be manipulated, I'd feel like a bitch for not normally being nice). besides, read other posts, wouldn't those people be doing the same thing? I think we happen to be our own worse critics. Again, easier said than done, it's hard to ignore that lil' voice at the back of your mind trying to put you off.

I care, even though I'm a random stranger on the internet. No body should have to feel like this (well, it can be argued, but nice crazyboards members shouldn't have to feel like this) and to state the obvious, it sucks. I don't care how normal it is to feel this way, just make it go away! Bloody feelings don't seem to be logical. You may know you are not alone, but that that doesn't make you stop feeling that way (by you, I mean it generally).

It seems you're a bit of a battler, working and learning. (well, unless you're a teacher or something, that's why you're reading things for class).

As it's been since I entered this world, no one can see how much urge to live there is in me, how big my dreams are.

Sorry, I don't understand this, because I'm not sure if you're being sarcastic or not. One thing that keeps me going is acheiving goals, and thinking of completing them. I love my neuroscience, and I imagine to myself, someone saying "thanks to your research, I enjoy life again! I thought I had treatment resistant depression, but thanks to that cure you found, it's gone!". Sometimes I get so caught up with daydreaming about the future, I forget about what I'm feeling. On the other hand, I feel like that thought is delusions of grandeur, and I'll never achieve something like that. But then again, thinking of helping just one person makes me feel good. I think of it when I really don't feel like being there. Maybe you could try that?  (But if you're being sarcastic about big dreams, I guess that doesn't help).

Sorry I can't help, but do tell us how you're going, even if it's nothing good to say. If that helps, good!

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Apparently the response I am due is "yeah, guess what, there's nothing special about you." Which I just don't understand why you would post that, is all. I didn't say there was anything special about me. You don't even know me.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Jem,

There is a LOT that is special about you.  As a child, you were given shitty odds for growing up to have any semblence of a normal life.  You fought for yourself and you fought hard.  I'm wondering if now, you 'need' that fight in order to feel that you are being productive.  Seems when it's not so hard to get along is when your depression starts to rise to the surface.  Remember that these are just musings from my overtired, pms-riddled mind.

OT - It's snowing..... but we haven't gotten the 18 inches that were predicted.

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I'm an invisible statistic. I'm an anomaly. A maladaptive mutation, refusing to die. Metastasizing in my will to live. The beauty I see and the amazing things I've discovered are trapped with me, serving no purpose, benefitting no one.
How 'bout extra points for creative writing, and double bonus for using "ennui"? Is that a creative hug?

S9

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Thanks guys ;) (gals) I'm doing a bit better today, and part of it is just feeling rather than thinking that yes, each day is a new day. I think in all honesty I'm in some stages of a sea change, and parts of that are uncomfortable. I should totally listen to Sea Change again though :) Like the avatar HB/S9!

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Thanks guys :) (gals) I'm doing a bit better today, and part of it is just feeling rather than thinking that yes, each day is a new day. I think in all honesty I'm in some stages of a sea change, and parts of that are uncomfortable. I should totally listen to Sea Change again though :P Like the avatar HB/S9!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Like I told Millie, I go back and forth between Sea Change and Joy Division... ;)
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I feel like I'm manipulating people into having to say nice stuff,

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You don't have to minipulate people to say nice stuff. People like you man.

Plus you've got Kermit for an avatar! Anyone that has a Kermit avatar has to rock.

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