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Started Concerta, learned i have ADHD, nicotine addiction?


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/trigger warning on this: self-harm, addiction, eating disorders, general craziness 

Okay so there's a lot of cross-cutting things going on here so I don't know if this is the right section to post this. 

I recently learned that I've probably been suffering from ADHD like, basically, my whole life. My pdoc who I've been seeing for about 7-8 months now and I have been discussing it for a while and he ended up putting me on Concerta. (i also have generalized anxiety and social phobias - on Effexor for that. Always thought my attention problems were anxiety related but they didn't go away so apparently ADHD, which i didn't know much about but when i started reading about it and my pdoc explained it HOLY SHIT THAT'S ME. That's the abbreviated version.) 

Anyways I've been on Concerta in addition to my Effexor for the past two weeks ish. Wow! Life changing. I can actually like sit down and watch a movie now, pay attention in meetings.. It's amazing. I've been trying to learn the guitar for like a decade and was actually able to sit down and pay attention to an eight minute YouTube video and practice the chords over and over. Don't feel wired at all tho, it's like... Idk i actually feel semi functional now. 

It's also fixed some of my binge eating problems as a side effect because I'm less interested in food now which is nice. 

Okay but i have been noticing an increase in some other addictive behaviors. I've been smoking nonstop (ecig, not cigarettes because i hate them) which kind of helps my focus i think. I never really was addicted to anything besides the binge eating and the cutting when i was younger so this is weird to me. Not at all translating to other stuff - like alcohol or anything, which is good, i still am normal when it comes to social drinking. But the smoking! I feel like the ecig is maybe patching where the Concerta isn't working all the way. Idk. Is this something that anyone else has noticed? 

I also had a brief relapse into self-harm. I haven't cut for like two years. But i am actually *feeling* now, which is amazing, so i had a moment when some prior trauma/PTSD feelings were brought up and i felt myself slip back into that old feeling of numbness. (There was also a brief flitting thought of killing myself, but i didn't actually want to, i think it was just the old habit and pattern of thought that i used to cope with the trauma and i instantly batted that thought away.) It was just too much to not be able to feel after i have been doing so well. And i was stupid - instead of riding it out, i think i also went back to my old coping mechanisms and i cut again. It wasn't bad - I've never been one to cut myself very badly - but enough to draw blood to drip a little bit. Unfortunately, it felt good. And I, on some level, don't regret it because it did help in the moment. But, intellectually, i regret it because this is not who i want to be ultimately. 

Luckily, that passed and i feel better now. I think it was just attributed to some old trauma being brought up, but i was wondering - is that maybe something that Concerta runs a risk of? Increase in addictive behaviors? Increase of self harm? 

Thanks for reading, i know this is long <3

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