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So glad to find this page and forum...

So my story in short form.

Bi Polar 1

Never accepted my dagnosis, not alone on that I am sure...but cannot beleive at aged 46 I finally get it...The destruction of the last episode has killed everything in my life. 5 months...beaten up various times, putting myself at pure risk, buying BMW I cannot afford, spent about 20k Euros, throwing out of the house my 12 year life partner, renting  houses, buying stuff, Pyscotic magical thinking,  (living in italy the religosity is hard to escape.) Cannot do this again...Now in the depths of the worst crippleing depression.

So I finally get it, I am, I have Bi polar its not a mass jewish(Where this distrust of this comes from Ido not know ) consirpacy to have us all sedated?

Please note I am pro people and the jewish people but I am not anti semetic, but Iseem to be so when I am manic...very odd, so please do not take exception to that comment. 

I always seem in Mania to become fixated on the idea that these drugs are just killing us. Cannot understand why in these 5 months nobody tried to have me brought in to a hosptial. That hurts, Whenone is so obviously out of control why do you have to bring yourself in so to speak? All or some of  the destruction could have been  avoided.

SO after literally waking up 5 months later, Iam in the loneliest dreadful space, living in a town Ihave no friends, no family and in a llanguage Ihave about a 40% handle on. Iamamazed in this mania I did not do something more terrible, hurting myself or someone..

Got a Pdoc, he has put me on a crushing regieme of  Quietipinia 25mg x2 , Olanzipan 5x2 and Valpo Acid 600 (slow release) and Akineton for shakes, something to stop the muscles and dead arm syndrome...I am sure alot of you have been here...But apart from wanting to share this I sat and looked at all these pills read up as much as I can on this and does it feel so odd to be killing myself slowly with these pills to possibly / hopefully not getting manic again...Seems to me I can only find the Negative side effects. its only been 6 days on these pills, apart from all the negatives I only feel less anxious...But all I have to face now is the consewuences of what Ihave been doing for 5 months.. the bills the speeding tickets.  Facing all this alone is too much for one person. I think it is so incredible that people live and thrive on being along, I do not think I am one of thoese people.

I am angry that no one intervened to the authorites fro me, perhaps Italy just does it like this.

So why post and what to ask for....

Well I guess to say well done for being part of this community and also to ask, is there anyone out there who has been pleased with their pill regime?  Any happy stories out there?

As for the insiatable need for food at all times does anyone know what I could ask my doctor to prescribe to lessen the need to eat, its just constant?  

Feeling already that the best of life is over and all Ihave left to live for is pills, interventions and I have used up all the joy alloted to myself prior.

So my name is Tim I live in Italy and I am definitly owning and finally able to admit to myself and others Iam Bi Polar (chronic) apparently...The more you have these episodes the worse they get, seems to me to be my case even if they are years inbetween.

My job is alcohol, and to be told Imust not drink is not only implausible,  Ijust cannot erase the only thing I hae left that gives me a tiny enjoyement, anyone experienced with Pdrugs and  alcohol? 

After such a long Mania I guess its nornal to be completely brain exhausted? This brain exhaustion is showing itself as impaired congative functioning,  inability to think properly or remmeber...feel like I have lost 30% of my functioning... any one else had such a long period of Mania? 

So thats me...wishing you all light love and happiness on this journey called Full spectrum Bi Polar. 

Saluti de Italia

Tim

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by TimR
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46 minutes ago, TimR said:

also to ask, is there anyone out there who has been pleased with their pill regime?  Any happy stories out there?

Right now I am pleased with all my meds (see sig for meds).  In the past I hadn't, but right now on these meds I have been stable for a long time.

46 minutes ago, TimR said:

As for the insiatable need for food at all times does anyone know what I could ask my doctor to prescribe to lessen the need to eat, its just constant?  

Personally I am on naltrexone and wellbutrin combo, which for me suppresses my appetite so the voracious appetite I have is much less and I eat as usual.  It doesn't make me never hungry, but there is hardly any of the huge amount of eating episodes happening.

The insatiable appetite was hell going through for me, so I hope that lets up soon for you.

50 minutes ago, TimR said:

Feeling already that the best of life is over and all Ihave left to live for is pills, interventions and I have used up all the joy alloted to myself prior.

I think that when you are on the correct meds (which, unfortunately can sometimes take awhile), things start to change, and your thoughts/feelings change, in the sense of not feeling like the best of life is over.

Do you see a therapist (tdoc)?  Maybe that would be helpful too?

 

 

Welcome to CB!

That is really great you are able to admit that you are bipolar ... that is a great first step towards getting better.

 

 

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Hi Tim. Welcome to Crazyboards! Your story really resonates with me. We are the same age, have the same diagnosis, and we both took a long time before finally accepting our bipolar status. And like you, I also went through one of "those" episodes, where everything gets so screwed up and your symptoms so obvious, that it becomes impossible to deny the truth staring you so clearly in the face.

I have also experienced my episodes getting worse and worse with age, especially since I had my first mixed episode back in 2013-2014. And after that, my psychosis has suddenly started getting much worse. And I have also noticed a serious cognitive decline in recent years.

As for the meds, it can be tricky to finds ones that not only work, but whose side effects you can tolerate. I had a virtually complete remission from mid-2015 to mid-2016, but got tired of my hair falling out, so I went off meds. That was a complete disaster, something I will not repeat again anytime soon. And as I also discovered, meds sometimes don't work the second time around. For me, the hardest meds to find (which work) are antidepressants and sleep meds. 

I drink like a fish when I'm symptomatic, and naltrexone doesn't help me then. I know that psych meds and booze are not a good combination, but what else am I supposed to do when it's the only thing that gets me through the day? Some meds are more problematic when combined with alcohol than others. I suggest you have a discussion about this with your pdoc.

I hope you feel better soon!

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1 hour ago, TimR said:

So glad to find this page and forum...

So my story in short form.

Bi Polar 1

Never accepted my dagnosis, not alone on that I am sure...but cannot beleive at aged 46 I finally get it...Now in the depths of the worst crippleing depression.

I always seem in Mania to become fixated on the idea that these drugs are just killing us. Cannot understand why in these 5 months nobody tried to have me brought in to a hosptial. That hurts, Whenone is so obviously out of control why do you have to bring yourself in so to speak? All or some of  the destruction could have been  avoided.

SO after literally waking up 5 months later, Iam in the loneliest dreadful space, living in a town Ihave no friends, no family and in a llanguage Ihave about a 40% handle on. Iamamazed in this mania I did not do something more terrible, hurting myself or someone..

Got a Pdoc, he has put me on a crushing regieme of  Quietipinia 25mg x2 , Olanzipan 5x2 and Valpo Acid 600 (slow release) and Akineton for shakes, 

So why post and what to ask for....

Well I guess to say well done for being part of this community and also to ask, is there anyone out there who has been pleased with their pill regime?  Any happy stories out there?

As for the insiatable need for food at all times does anyone know what I could ask my doctor to prescribe to lessen the need to eat, its just constant?  

Feeling already that the best of life is over and all Ihave left to live for is pills, interventions and I have used up all the joy alloted to myself prior.

So my name is Tim I live in Italy and I am definitly owning and finally able to admit to myself and others Iam Bi Polar (chronic) apparently...The more you have these episodes the worse they get, seems to me to be my case even if they are years inbetween.

My job is wine, and to be told Imust not drink is not only implausible,  Ijust cannot erase the only thing I hae left that gives me a tiny enjoyement, anyone experienced with Pdrugs and wine? 

After such a long Mania I guess its nornal to be completely brain exhausted? This brain exhaustion is showing itself as impaired congative functioning,  inability to think properly or remmeber...feel like I have lost 30% of my functioning... any one else had such a long period of Mania? 

So thats me...wishing you all light love and happiness on this journey called Full spectrum Bi Polar. 

Saluti de Italia

Tim

Hi Tim - welcome to CB. While I am not Bipolar, I can really relate to much of what you say here...I am struggling to accept this disorder/mental disease, and the idea that I will have to take pills for the rest of my life, riding the medication merry-go-round, dealing with the loss of cognitive functioning/memory issues. Feeling dead inside, my spirit squashed.  I also relate to the completely avoiding alcohol - one of the few last things that would bring me a buzz & pleasure.

However, I think about many of the suicidal episodes I've had without being on meds and will take some numbness over that any day. While it takes time getting used to the pills, and finding the right combo, just think about the other option: self-destruction.

Maybe if the meds you are taking are causing too many intolerable side effects, you can change to something else. As far as increased appetite/weight gain, sedation, Zyprexa (Olanzapine) typically causes that. Perhaps you can discuss with your pdoc other med options to help with mood stabilization, mania and preventing psychosis. Lithium seems to be well tolerate with folks here & good for mania. I wish you luck towards recovery.

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Really thank you all so much.

Acceptance and penance now for me. 

Alchohol. Well I think the small pleasures have to exist.

I took alot of recreational drugs along time ago, I think it could be say the Ecstasy can change your mind and perhaps thats why Bipolar is increasing?

I read my post and your touching and honest replies to my boyfriend of 12 years.  It was a watershed moment and I can only bring myself to think I may have a shot at him coming back to me. After so many episodes what he has put up with is too much to contemplate. 

The worst thing right now is doing the administrative, facing the system to even pay a water bill or sort out your  residents parking. Facing life solo, Its a wake up call.

Seems to me, the worst/ best thing to about being Manic is everything is connected. one sees links between everything. My goal now is to get rid of that magical thinking but somehow you cannot forget it, Wincing in pain of some of the phone calls I will not remember, what damage have made that I am not even aware of after these 5 lost months

 As you said the medicine combos May take a while to find out the right ones, Stresors / triggers are  impossible to gauge.

My current preoccupation and fear is time, Old Chronos, Mind is constantly  saying I have not done this, I must do this, putting silly amounts of pressure on myself. And then Lethergy, and the pointlessness or futileness of this and our futures after 10 20 30 years of these massively toxic drugs? and they do not even know in some cases why these pills work the way they do/ Bigpharma cured my cancer, So I guess I will just have to get and stick with this now, Owning it saying the words and having to face up to a lesser more simplistic life is the way forward, i

A friend offered me to speak to her Brother who sounds like a lot like me, Well in denial for so many years of accepting there was even a problem, So that might help me to have a chat with someone. Facing this life alone as a Bi Polar seems like an amazing difficult feet, If acceptance of drugs for maintanance program is my first battle against this MD I accept it.

Thank you  thank you thank you.

 

    

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TimR, welcome to CrazyBoards. Please feel free to PM me or one of the other mods if you need any help figuring out how the boards work.

Sometimes our loved ones don't know what to do when we get crazy, and they feel helpless. When my husband and I were first married and I had my first serious episode that we were together for, he didn't know what to do. It wasn't because he didn't care. It was just too much for him, outside the realm of his experience. 

And as a Jew, I officially forgive you for any peculiar religious delusions you may have had! Weird religious ideas are not at all uncommon when people go nuts. 

If you haven't yet read the pinned topic at the beginning of the bipolar board, you might want to give it a look. People have been cording the things they've learned about living with bipolar there for years.

We're glad to have you.

Gearhead (admin)

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Very kind all of you..I guess as I am not going to get talk therapy here in Italy I must learn to use the CB's as a resource for the MI I have.

 

Gearhead

Seeing all the combos and what you have tried is a little duanting, I will post message you. and thank you for understanding...I have know I idea about where this plot in my head comes from..Its all very bizarre and of course nuts. 

These replies have lifted me a little knowing I am not alone.

 

 

 

 

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