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Struggling


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This (long) weekend, but today especially, has been constantly choosing a) to be alive and b) not to self harm.

Two choices which are proving really hard to make and keep making. 

I just realized/remembered that the weekend is nearly over and tomorrow I have to go back to work, and now I'm panicking and having trouble breathing. Work is so hard. I can't.

Why doesn't it get better? I've been fighting depression for so long. I'm tired of fighting a losing battle.

I hate that I'm whining and can't just get through this on my own with a stiff upper lip or something. It makes me feel even more weak. 

I don't know what I want or need or what would help (aside from some kind of "permission" to stop making the hard decisions, and I know no one will give me that). I don't know why I'm posting here.

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Making these decisions on a moment to moment basis is really exhausting.

And sometimes when you're busy fighting for your life other things like work, or at least higher-order thinking kinds of work, make it feel worse.

It sucks you're having such a hard time today (and lots of days lately).

I wish I could predict accurately when you're going to feel better.

You don't have to make decisions right now. In fact, please don't make any decisions right now, when things are so hard. 

The only thing you have to do (well, what I'd wish for you) is to not do anything that gets in the way of your ability to breathe (aka don't try to be dead). Your body will keep going with a lot of things on auto-pilot provided we don't get in the way of our ability to breathe.

I know it's hard to believe. And you're not whining. You're in pain and suffering. That's not whining.

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Thank you, Woo, for your kind words and affirmations. 

The evening continued on in much the same manner. I managed to heat up a reasonable dinner of leftovers. I haven't self-harmed yet. I'm going to bed now in the hopes that sleep will improve things (though I doubt it will). 

I see my tdoc tomorrow if I can make it through most of the work day first. I expect it will be the kind of day where I'm present but not terribly productive. Oh well. 

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There is a different sort of strength to admitting and talking about when you are struggling. You may not have a stiff upper lip, but there can be issues that come with holding it in. I find it very brave to be able to at the very least voice your struggles and allow people to try to reach out and assist.

In my case, which is and will not be your case or anyone else's but my own, the hard decisions become less difficult to bear. They are still there. They still pop their heads in and take long extended stays on my mind-couch. They still eat all my food and rack up my electricity bill. (I'm taking this analogy too far.) BUT. The visits pass, and I'm left less wrecked from them as I previously would be.

 Hope the feelings pulling you down let up.

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