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Doctor's Say I'm fine. Guess We're Done Here.


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25 years of doctors tests to figure out why I'm in constant pain, and the results always say I'm totally fine. Everything's in my head. Maybe they'll have an easier time finding what's wrong if I take the contents of my head and paint the wall with them.

 

Disclaimer: I don't own a gun, nor do any of my friends. Clearly, this dream of mine cannot become a reality. 

 

I have metric tons of suffocating rage in my body and I can't even do anything with it. I've been binge eating for 3 days and deserve to die.

I don't know why I"m posting this. I'll probably delete it. I don't even know why I'm here; I'm clearly beyond help. Nothing has changed in 8 years. I'm still incapable of paying attention to anything for longer than 5 minutes, wholly incapable of focusing on anything that's not interesting to me, incapable of functioning like all the other humans I'm in competition with. I'm a fucking loser by birth. The devil lives in me and I don't even believe in Christianity. All I want to do is clone myself and make the clone take a baseball bat to my head. Everyone wins. I'm dead, and everyone who has concern for me can keep living in their tiny deluded bubble where it appears I'm still alive. 

 

I've been in therapy since 2007. Every avenue I try to explore that the therapist agrees would be a good idea is subsequently shoved under the rug. Nobody gives a fuck. Nobody follows through. Nobody gives a fuck about helping me. They just collect their checks and a headful of terrible stories relayed by their whining patients like me. Every drug I try turns me into a fucking lunatic. I have ONE antidepressant left that I can take and it doesn't work all that great, obviously. I've taken 3x the dose and been equally miserable. 

 

I'm supposed to be working right now. I'm a thief too. 

 

My greatest regret is that they resuscitated me immediately after I was born dead. I was fucking born dead. I AM SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD.

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I'm not a doctor, but if you're constantly having these thoughts about being dead, PLEASE call 911 or have someone drive you to the ER..

I'm just saying this because I'm concerned for your safety.

You are not "supposed to be dead", and you are not "beyond help"...There is always hope.

Edited by CrazyRedhead
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Thanks CrazyRedhead. I am not an impulsive person, just fed up. Talking about it is helpful. Being in a hospital is the complete opposite of helpful for me, considering 75% of the reason I'm livid is because of the medical establishment. I'd also lose my job. Which would put me in a place where I might actually need to check myself in. But now? I'm just angry and resentful at life and doctors. I'm sick of being given a side-eye. I'm sick of not being taken seriously. I've seen every single profession they've told me to be seen by. And no one knows anything. I mean, technically, I've almost died twice thanks to medical fuckups. They're not there to help me. (God bless the Nurses, who keep the doctors from killing us, seriously)

 

Kind of like when you have a mother-in-law you can't stand, and you occasionally think 'Wouldn't it be nice if she just....died. Like, now.'  But you're not going to actually kill her. It's just cathartic to imagine taking a bat to her face. I want to figuratively cave in my skull with a bat. But not literally.

 

I talked to my mom earlier today. She knows I'm not doing so great. If anything gets worse I'll have her take me to my therapist. But I'm....whatever...I'm here. I care about people in my life too much to do that to them. The last thing I want to do is introduce the agony I've felt my whole life into a heart that's never known such sorrow. It wouldn't be fair of me to take myself out. It would only create more hurt in the world. 

 

Edit: By "I guess we're done here", I meant done having any ounce of hope left that going to doctors has any point. I give up. I'm done with them. It's only fair. They gave up on me the second they saw I was fat, young, and female. Obviously I'm just a fucking junkie looking to score. Even though I refuse opiods. Because that's not what you fucking prescribe people with chronic pain. But nope. Just a junkie whore. That's me!   :D

I've already wasted decades for nothing. Why bother.

Edited by Anodyne Oblivion
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I also wanted to say that I am sorry you are going through all this pain.  I can sympathize.

I hope something happens that gives you hope. You never know, it could be right around the corner and you haven't seen it yet.  It happened to me. 

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I feel for you also. Your struggle is real. I don't have any great words of wisdom (as I haven't been cured by the system or meds either), I just hope the moments of torment pass and you get a little reprieve. When I get into these disturbing mood episodes, all I can do is sleep (or read some posts on CB to feel less alone) in order to try to shut off the morbid, looping, self-abusive thoughts in my brain. Keep holding on to a tiny sliver of hope that tomorrow will be a bit better.

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On 6/1/2017 at 4:09 PM, Anodyne Oblivion said:

 They gave up on me the second they saw I was fat, young, and female. Obviously I'm just a fucking junkie looking to score. Even though I refuse opiods. 

add queer and disabled (perhaps subtracting young...dunno...) and we are in a similar situation. support.

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