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HisHarleQuinn

Snooping Habit...

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I really, really need to stop snooping through my boyfriend's things. He's so particular about his computer privacy, and today, he left it unlocked because we'd been watching Ash v. The Evil Dead which he had saved on his documents. I snooped thru his browser history....to find out....he has NONE. I confront him about it, he says, "that's weird because I DON'T delete my history." i know when he watches porn, he private browses. And his internet settings aren't to where it doesn't save the history. They're to where it DOES. I even asked if he was telling the truth, and if he like swore on his kid. His kid means a lot to him since they don't see each other much, and he wasn't given much a chance to parent him because of past shit happening. He said he did. So, for him to say that, it really means it must be true. I just don't get it though. Unless he's hiding something, and the last thing he got on was KP Slash Haven, which is a fanfic/fandom type site for Kim Possible/Shego/etc lovers. Which, I know he frequents. So why delete that? I also know he was on there cause he got locked out, and then because he left the laptop sitting on the bed to use the restroom and I got up to make coffee and saw the webpage. 

He's not weird about his computer usage, and I'm on here more than him. I did delete some files a week or so ago, because the computer's lacking storage space. And I was saving a funny photo. He knows that, so he made the suggestion of that being why. But, does browswer history save to the hard drive? I was deleting some things I didn't know what they were, which upset him, because he didn't want me to delete something the computer needed to run. I did that on accident once with my phone and almost wasn't able to use it....oops.

I mean, does it sound suspicous? He's been pointing out lately that I need to not think he loves me/doesn't care about me. I was feeling suicidal the other day cause we had a huge argument, and he called into work to stay home and watch me, and got fired. From a good paying job, with benefits, insurance, 401k, etc. he REALLY needed that insurance. he needs to see an eye doctor and a dentist. he also agreed to seeing a PNP and getting on medication and doing therapy, because he promised he would. I know I need to stop projecting my insecurities on him, but sometimes I can't help it"?

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I have a couple of questions:

1. What are you looking for when you snoop?

2. What are you afraid of?

I think you have to stop snooping because it is disrespectful and controlling. It's a good way to push him away from you. I, for example, couldn't tolerate being in a relationship with someone so controlling that I felt like I had to hide my browsing history. I don't mean this to be harsh. I'm just warning you that this behavior is a good way to damage a relationship.

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2 minutes ago, jt07 said:

I have a couple of questions:

1. What are you looking for when you snoop?

2. What are you afraid of?

I think you have to stop snooping because it is disrespectful and controlling. It's a good way to push him away from you. I, for example, couldn't tolerate being in a relationship with someone so controlling that I felt like I had to hide my browsing history. I don't mean this to be harsh. I'm just warning you that this behavior is a good way to damage a relationship.

To see if he's been on something like a dating site, or something. I don't know. We also got new phones recently, and he's not even put a lock on his. He's even told me, I know with you, I'm not gonna get no privacy. It pisses me off, but it is what it is I guess. And if I ask to borrow his phone (I did this when my phone was totally broken a few weeks ago) he would just hand it over. Wouldn't say, "ok hold on" or anything like he was hiding something. Almost every time I'd snoop on his phone, I found NOTHING. But he's so weird about the computer, so my thing is, he must be hiding something then?

I'm afraid of him cheating/losing him to someone else/etc because I love him :/

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I think the odds of him cheating are rather low, but if he were going to cheat, I'm sure that he would find a way. I think you suspect him of cheating or going to cheat and you are looking for confirmation. But as I said that this behavior can get you the opposite of what you want.

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22 minutes ago, jt07 said:

I think the odds of him cheating are rather low, but if he were going to cheat, I'm sure that he would find a way. I think you suspect him of cheating or going to cheat and you are looking for confirmation. But as I said that this behavior can get you the opposite of what you want.

i always feel like i'm not good enough, so i kinda always think i'm being cheated.

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You need to stop checking his browser history and get some therapy. You're making your own life miserable, and I'd assume his, too. 

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ladyboss - I would echo what JT has said: This is a recipe for destroying a relationship. Relationships are built and maintained on a bedrock of trust, and you are demonstrating that you have no trust in him, and that he cannot trust you with his privacy. No trust, no bedrock.

Violating another person's privacy in the way you are doing is indefensible. The fact that you feel insecure and "can't help it" is not an acceptable excuse. It is imperative that you discuss this with a therapist.

Here's an idea - instead of spending your energy finding ways to snoop into his privacy, why not spend that energy thinking of ways to make yourself into the kindest, warmest, most generous, most selfless, most attractive girlfriend he could ever want, so that the idea of looking elsewhere will never cross his mind? If you want control, that is where you have the most control - you, and only you, can change yourself.

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8 hours ago, ladyboss said:

i always feel like i'm not good enough, so i kinda always think i'm being cheated.

So, then, this is more about your insecurities than about him. I agree that you should get therapy before you damage your relationship.

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12 hours ago, Gearhead said:

You need to stop checking his browser history and get some therapy. You're making your own life miserable, and I'd assume his, too. 

I've been getting therapy, so has he with me. My counselor said that this has been an ongoing problem with all of my relationships, and that it's me, not them

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6 hours ago, Cerberus said:

ladyboss - I would echo what JT has said: This is a recipe for destroying a relationship. Relationships are built and maintained on a bedrock of trust, and you are demonstrating that you have no trust in him, and that he cannot trust you with his privacy. No trust, no bedrock.

Violating another person's privacy in the way you are doing is indefensible. The fact that you feel insecure and "can't help it" is not an acceptable excuse. It is imperative that you discuss this with a therapist.

Here's an idea - instead of spending your energy finding ways to snoop into his privacy, why not spend that energy thinking of ways to make yourself into the kindest, warmest, most generous, most selfless, most attractive girlfriend he could ever want, so that the idea of looking elsewhere will never cross his mind? If you want control, that is where you have the most control - you, and only you, can change yourself.

I do, on that last part. He's never had a girlfriend take care of him. I cook, clean, do his laundry, etc for him since he works. He considers me keeping the house, "my job". Although right now there's not much housekeeping to do considering we're sleeping in his brother's kitchen and half of our stuff is still packed because this is only temporary since he lost his job. I took care of him when he was sick too, and he's not used to that much. He tells me that too. He was the one who cooked, no one ever cleaned apparently so his home was a wreck constantly, etc. And any time I say I'm scared he'll leave or cheat, he's like "why would I give up something so great? I LOVE YOU. You are gorgeous, sexy, you make me feel loved. You cook for me, clean for me, etc. I've never had that before." Just seems too good to be true sometimes I guess.

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1 hour ago, ladyboss said:

I've been getting therapy, so has he with me. My counselor said that this has been an ongoing problem with all of my relationships, and that it's me, not them

So your counselor recognizes that this is a problem with you, but is your counselor doing anything to help you overcome this? Do you discuss this problem in detail?

I will give you another piece of cautionary advice. I don't know how long you've been in your current relationship, but things like this are easy to overlook in the beginning, but as the years roll by they become more and more grating and will damage the relationship. So if you see this as a long-term relationship, I advise you to work on changing this behavior with your therapist.

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5 hours ago, jt07 said:

So your counselor recognizes that this is a problem with you, but is your counselor doing anything to help you overcome this? Do you discuss this problem in detail?

I will give you another piece of cautionary advice. I don't know how long you've been in your current relationship, but things like this are easy to overlook in the beginning, but as the years roll by they become more and more grating and will damage the relationship. So if you see this as a long-term relationship, I advise you to work on changing this behavior with your therapist.

I've been seeing my counselor on and off because I've gotta do the entire thing with Medicaid to get a ride, which is annoying, cause if I wanna go/need to go that night, I have to take the city bus, before it stops running. And if my boyfriend goes with me, he's gotta have the money. I ride for free cause I've got my old college ID, we'll see how much longer I can get away with it seeing as its expired this year.

More or less we talk about what I want to, yak now.

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