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How many ways to commit suicide?


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I'm not thinking about it, just to clear that up right now.  I'm not referring to the cessation of life on a existential level, I'm referring to the cessation of will to live.  Doctors and therapists inquire into their patients' frequency of suicidal thoughts, but do they ever ask about the frequency of desire to live thoughts?  Does having a heartbeat and brainwave activity, shuffling from one mundane task to another qualify as "being alive"?  Does a person have to put an end to physical existence to commit suicide? 

It just seems to me that this undeserved import is conferred to the almighty suicidal frame of mind.  Like you just aren't serious about not wanting to live unless you're holding the gun to your head or the pill bottle is sitting on your nightstand, where you can contemplate it in earnest whenever life gets a bit too heavy.  I don't mean to downplay the seriousness of suicidal ideation; what I want is equal consideration given to it's cousin, extreme apathy, or the loss of will to live. 

I have had suicidal thoughts in the past, but the depression is worse now.  And no one seems to realize that.  Except me.  I don't want the intense psychic pain that accompanies suicidal ideation, but I'd almost rather have that passion, a passionate desire to end life, than feel nothing at all.  I know I must be sad because I cry, and I know what anxiety is because I obsess, but I have nothing else.  I don't feel love or joy or have a shred of motivation or concern for anything.  I don't care about anything.  I'm an empty shell. Haven't I already committed suicide?  Is this flat, grey, indifferent existence really living? 

I know I need to talk to the doctor about adding a new med or tweaking dosages, but I can't work up the motivation to do that, either.  I just don't care enough about my mental health.  I've tried.  I just don't forsee improvement.  I'm finding it overwhelmingly difficult to conceive of a better existence.  My psyche is sprawled on a couch, remote in hand, flipping channels with a blank stare while the world whizzes by.  I'm jumping up and down trying to get its attention, but it doesn't see me.  It doesn't see anything.  Does that make any sense?

If anyone has any suggestions, I wouldn't mind hearing them.  Beside the obvious because I know what needs to be done.  What I don't know is how to overcome this severe inertia. How do I begin to care again?

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It's an interesting point. I know that at my bottom I'm usually quite 'safe' because actually trying something would take an effort -- will, coherent thought, planning, action -- that I just don't have the energy for. At that point, I'm deeply suicidal but I just don't have what it takes to do anything about it.

I hate that feeling.

Fiona

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Neurotica

Your post described deep depression, all too well. Please try to do just one small thing a day, first things first, call your doctor and see about  a med change. SSRIs can make a difference, just got to find the one that works for you. Also, about doing one small thing a day, I have been holding myself to that and am finding out that it  acts like a snowball, when I get one small thing done, I feel good about it, that sets into motion the energy which helps me with the next thing. And it can be as small as walking one small block around your house, brushing your teeth, taking a shower. I know it is hard to drag yourself off the couch, but give it a try. But, most importantly, see your doctor. There are alot of folks here that will be rooting for you. Let us know your progress.

I will be thinking of you-sending you get well thoughts.

Keep the faith,

Sylvia

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Neurotica -

I'd been wondering who it was that was lurking around down in the furnace room here in the Abyss, and now I realize it must be you.  In a way, your question isn't so much "what constitutes death" as "what constitutes life" - and you're right, the flat, grey wasteland of depression isn't living.  But - it does not logically follow that death is an equivalent or better alternative.  You seem to recognize this, expressing that feeling any emotion would be an improvement for you, even though the only ones that you can feel are negative.  I know how you're feeling, believe me.  The inertia is, to my thinking, the second most insidious aspect of this disorder, right after self-esteem attacks.

You're going to have to break the task of getting professional help down into very small bits that can be accomplished individually with the small energy reserves you have left.  Three months ago, I felt like a battery that had lost its ability to hold a charge, and doing anything was exhausting and seemed pointless.  But this is a fallacy.

You say you can't motivate to do anything because you can foresee no possible improvement.  You must look at that statement and recognize that no person can foresee all eventualities, and that you in particular in your current state are not in a sound frame of mind to make such an assessment.  Therefore, your conclusions in this regard are not to be trusted.

Next, go get the telephone number for your pdoc.  Not "go call your pdoc" but "go get the telephone number" and write it on a piece of paper, and set the paper down next to the telephone.  This is a very small task, and you can do it.  If doing it drains you, take a break afterward until you feel like you can perhaps do one other small thing.

When you feel that, return to the telephone.  Don't think ahead.  Just walk to the phone.  The number is there, where you left it.  Pick up the reciever and dial the number.  Someone will answer, or perhaps an answering machine.  Either way, say "I really need to see the doctor as soon as possible."  If you're talking to an organic being, set an appointment.  If you're talking to a machine, request a call back and leave your number.

At this point, external influences will have been inserted that will help to break your inertia.  You will either have an appointment you will be expected to attend, or you will be anticipating a telephone call.  Ignore the thoughts that tell you it's all pointless or a waste of time.  Just ignore them; they are untrue.

I don't mean any of the above to sound in any way patronizing, but rather to suggest how it's sometimes necessary to break tasks down into the tiniest bits and tackle them at that level in order to move beyond the inertia.

We're pulling for you here - fight it, and win.

Cerberus

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Great suggestions, Cerberus.

As Cerberus wrote, get pdoc help now. Breaking the task into little pieces would have really helped me. You broke your inertia somewhat by asking for help on this forum.

I've been exactly where you are now. I would venture to say that most everybody on CB has. I don't really have much to offer you as far as help.

I just wanted to end the pain. Once I got through the episode, I was thankful that I didn't kill myself.

I have to live for my husband and daughter. That is what gets me through.

I hope you feel better soon.

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Follow Cerberus's suggestion for getting an appointment, soon!

Since it is so hard to talk about, print out this post and hand it to your doctor.  You need to break the ice and start the process towards getting better.

I know how impossible it can be to take even that first step up the ladder towards the light. Don't give up, you can feel better.

A.M.

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You make alot of sense.  I've had very real suicidal thoughts and have come relatively close to killing myself, especially when I was about 12 years old.  Now though, it's like I realize how much that would hurt my mother, father, boyfriend, brother and so I just can't do it.  I do know that "lack of will to live" feeling though.  Just trudging through without any joy or comfort at all.  This might sound dumb, but in a way, thank god for the highs of bp because I probably would have done myself in about 12 years ago if it hadn't been for those highs...

but in all seriousness, if you have that lack of will, you've got to call someone right now.  We all care about you.  Let us know how it's going.  Trust us, we understand....

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I've been meaning to come back and say Thank You For Responding; many apologies for being overdue.  Thank you to everyone for responding to my post. 

I would like to respond to specific things in your responses, but it's pretty much taken all my energy just to write this.  I'm still trying to find a sliver of hope I can hold onto, I'm trying very hard, but I always come back to feeling like one of those people whose only purpose in life is to consume valuable resources while producing nothing but excrement, both literally and metaphorically.  It makes me feel guilty for not being suicidal.  If I really wanted to kill myself, maybe I could, and that would actually be a remarkable achievement. 

Still trying to work up the motivation to call the doc.  I've invested faith and much worthless optimism in drugs that have done absoutely zip for me, or have made things worse.  The same goes for therapy.  I guess I haven't committed psychic suicide so much as resigned myself to being worthless, hopeless, and undeserving of real happiness.  I've given up on myself and any semblance of a future worth fighting for.  I keep telling myself "It's the depression talking", but I don't know.  There was a time when I accepted that these thoughts were part of a distorted reality, but they seem more and more realistic with every attempt at accomplishing anything worthwhile and every subsequent failure.  Now I think that the positive thoughts, the ones that normally kept me afloat and gave me something to look forward to, were the delusional ones.  It's stupid to tell myself that with time/therapy/meds things will look up when it never happens.  I'm tired of being optimistic and tired of going through the motions just to realize how incredibly messed up and far from normalcy I am, and therefore beyond salvaging.  To my mind, at least.  This is my reality because it's the only thing I have to gauge reality with.  I fail, I fail, I fail, ergo I am a failure.

Sorry for being such a downer.  It is nice to know that others understand.  It really is.  I'll keep trying.  At least I seem pretty successful at rambling on on message boards.  If only that were a useful skill.

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Sorry for being such a downer.  It is nice to know that others understand.  It really is.  I'll keep trying.  At least I seem pretty successful at rambling on on message boards.  If only that were a useful skill.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Actually, rambling on message boards is a useful skill. It means that you're thinking about the issues in your life, and it is a step toward trying to do something about them. Expressing these things is much better than holding them in and down, where they can explode on you at any moment.

You've succeeded in one step, go back to Cerberus post and work your way through the rest. You can do it. And you will find something that helps.

Fiona

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Neurotica- So much of what you said could have been written by me!!  i have spent my entire life trying to look and live on the bright side, telling myself and my mom and everyone else "things will get better, things will get better, things will get better" but they don't, they get worse, and i have to wonder, maybe for some people things just won't and never will get better.  there are times, brief moments, when i feel i have worth and something to offer, but in the end the truth of the matter is - what i have to offer simply is not enough for me.  and i cannot change that.  i want to be capable of more than i am capable of, i want to be more than who i am.  and not being that person, is a failure to me. 

i don't suppose that helps to be a pessimistic echo but i really identify with you a lot.  now if only i can make that mean something.  not the only one who feels this way.

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