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hi

um... so... i was on my way back from psychotherapy the other day and i realized just how miserable i felt after each session. after some minutes of introspection it became obvious that it's because i have lost hope on myself, on ever feeling better.

so, the next day i thought of something, i tried to accept that i may not ever feel hopeful again, that trying to get better when i knew deep down that i wouldn't brought me nothing but pain. and i went on with my day just trying to enjoy what i was doing, the self destructive thoughts were still there, but i stopped fighting them back and just said to myself: "meh, i guess i might kill myself next time i feel bad" and just went back to breakfast.

it just felt so... peaceful and soothing to give up on everything.

is that really wrong? i felt better than... well... ever just accepting that i should just die soon, to be free of all this crap, but everyone and everything around me seems to believe that it's wrong to think like that.

i don't know if it matters, but i stopped taking pills 2 days before that, though they didn't seem to do anything for the months i took them.

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I don't like to use the terms "right" or "wrong" with regard to mental health, but I will say that it is sad to give up. Very, very sad. 

I am worried about you. It is not uncommon for people seriously contemplating suicide to experience a sense of relief when they make a decision that they will end their life. It's almost like a weight is lifted. This is not good. It is a bad sign. Please go to see your pdoc and tell him/her how you are feeling. If you can't get an appointment to see your pdoc, then go to the ER. This is serious. I, for one, don't want to see anything happen to you.

About the meds ... sometimes it is difficult to see what the meds are doing and so we go off them and then realize that they were doing more than we realized. That was the case with me and Celexa. I thought it wasn't doing anything for me anymore and I went off it. Long story short, I came back to it on my knees.

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16 hours ago, Zergbug said:

i was on my way back from psychotherapy the other day and i realized just how miserable i felt after each session. after some minutes of introspection it became obvious that it's because i have lost hope on myself, on ever feeling better.

(bold) I would tell your therapist all of this.  Being completely honest.  Your therapist can't help you when you aren't honest.

16 hours ago, Zergbug said:

i don't know if it matters, but i stopped taking pills 2 days before that, though they didn't seem to do anything for the months i took them.

IME I would go back on them ... you might regret going off them as they get out of your system. 

And IME, going off of a med, if you eventually have to go back on the med it won't work the same, and then the med-go-round continues.

Never say never to finding hope.  I can say for myself, that I didn't /haven't had hope in years ... about 7 or 8 years back that I can remember ... and about 2 weeks ago I finally found something that gave me hope, for the first time in a very long time.  I wish that for you too.

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in there with you OP, after three years of finding nothing, i'm at my whits end. gonna have my therapist, myself and my doc sit down and see what's ups, either figure this out or get a whole new team, or just say forget it, and forget it is where i'm at.

 

hang in there, throwing in the towel is not the best option, i know that, but it's where i'm at too

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I've been there before.  Month long in-patient for clinical depression.

But I found Effexor XR and that eventually lifted me up out of it, so I know that there's always a way out, and more than likely always a medication that can bring relief.

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