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I turned 30 recently. I live in a city with 5mn people. I'm reasonably attractive and have been for most of my adulthood (not to sound arrogant), but STILL FOUND IT HARD TO MAKE FRIENDS. I make people laugh, smile, people flirt with me... but a couple things have held me back.

-I lost a lot of weight when I was younger, almost 80-90lb. I have some excess skin. I am getting rid of it this month.

-I didn't realize but I was treated wrong when i was 20-21... I have ADHD and sometimes I feel definitely or maybe not Bipolar II. They've both been diagnosed.

-I had to spend a hell of a lot of time, when I was mistreated with SNRI medication, to adjust my life. I stopped smoking, eventually stopped drinking. My friends for years were other substance abusers. WHen I was younger, I had made friends easily at times - but they were popular, and I was kind of popular, to very popular, to not popular and not trying at times throughout my life. I want to leave my current city. BUT, I wanted to leave the city I grew up in. Eventually i had to, because there was an extortion period... where I was a victim and got into a lot of trouble. Financial ruin, academic ruin etc. 

Ever since... I feel better when I do better in school or in working out. But I've maybe gone out on 20 first dates, and a couple more. I feel one needs to have sex immediately, otherwise they have no chance of having a real relationship. I messed it up because I was insecure about my excess skin (not that bad) but it made me nervous. Also at times I had an impaired sex drive - and I am now using NOFAP to help that. It does really help. BUt now, I'm correcting the skin issue --, and I'm trying to do nofap (hard with ADHD and Bipolar, but I think its necessary for me  to have strong relationships with women). I think ideally I have a few best male friends, and while I won't be as outgoing as some of my social butterfly friends, I can still make people enjoy their time and I enjoy my time, and I go out with girls that interest me.

How come everyone I know is on facebook and everywhere, and loves to go out... AND I can't act normal. I wake up at crazy hours, go to bed in the day when I'm really depressed. Everything just messes me up. I went to two universities... graduated late, thought I'd save up for the abdominoplasty, and things would get better.

I started losing hair on stimulant medication but still looked nice and well. But I lost more hair on lamotrigine. Meanwhile, I am beginning to feel and its crushing... that the only way I can even have a "semi-normal" life is on medication. ANd its fucking heartbreaking, because no matter what I do I'm going to be alone. I didnt trust people for a long time, and my parents and family were narcissistic, so I self medicated and drank a lot. BUt, I corrected that. Well I quit substance abuse mostly, worked out, ate well, became attractive and fit - that didn't solve my problems.

Occasionally I succeeded in what I attempted in school and work... it didn't solve my problems. I feel eccentric and I don't want to be. It's great I can charm others but I used to not give them a chance, or maybe I wasn't giving myself a chance. Are there any Bipolar II/ADHD people that feel alone still?

As an obese smart boy I was alone, fledgling in I.B., and in universities (2) , I was alone. Girls ignoring me, to later flirting with me and actually occasionally asking me out (mostly its the guy's job), I'm still alone. I have too many black marks on me now. I can't win.... and I don't get it. I can't go on another 20 or 30 years or 1 year like this. I truly can't. It doesn't make any sense... I'm not stupid, I'm not ugly, I still can't decide a career. What I want is impractical because I can't have a normal life anyways, but I desperately want one. I'm missing milestone after milestone. I was petitioning classes, my cousin was graduating Harvard. I was wondering wtf was wrong with me, my brother was starting medical residency.  Everything I do destroys something else.

I have law school as a back up plan. But the market is bad, and my grades aren't that good either. AND I'd hate it except for litigation maybe later. I want to be a person who loves their life, not goes through the motions. Will a mood stabilizer or some combo of meds help me :

-get to work on time

-be more optimistic about career chances, and love.

-allow me to ignore the thousands of missed opportunities dating (due to sex drive, not realizing I was attractive, being SHY/awkward, being speedy, hyper, and being behind in my work and needing to catch up otherwise -- I'd be fired/ fail). 

-AND BOND with others.

I have had many best friends in life, and I move away or they move. people smile at me and come near me and when I don't look pissed off, or are not running around like I'm on a rampage (I move very fast, and walk very fast), they are inviting to me at times. 

Can someone please tell me if I can get what I want in life or if its too late? I don't want to be  a burden on my family, I don't want to be a fuckup anymore. I don't want to be alone anymore either. And I just want to be free. 

 

-I know how to make people laugh, but I can't stay friends. I can't open my heart a lot of times. And I lash out and get mad and believe they are like my old friends and misusing me. I meet the prettiest girl and she likes me, but I feel she's trying to fuck me over. I become more confident (fit) and start losing some other good quality. I succeed a bit in school (past) and somehow lose time still. Every decision is last minute - last three places I lived. I just can't take it anymore. I can't be the only person in my family to struggle so much. I really think part of it is the city. I have two artistic friends that are either moving or have moved elsewhere. I have family in New york and everything I'm interested in is closer there.... My family doesn't believe in me half the time, or doesn't know how to show love/ faith in me. I don't want my life to pass me by. Will the right bipolar meds help me be a proper functioning adult? 

Living on my own helped me and got me closer to some goals. 

Trying new work is next... BUT, what if I'm still this loner that can't solve their problems? 

I wanted perfection before relationships... but that doesn't make any sense and will never happen. You don't need to be perfect. But every single medication I take fucks me up in some way. Every career I want negates the chances of the other ones. 

I was so full of life and I loved people as a kid sometimes.... but now fuck... I try to smile. I felt happy on lamotrigine but I felt like dying with some of the side effects. I don't get it why can't I find a solution. I want to see the bipolar specialist again after my surgery at the end of the month

Even my younger cousin will be done Medical school before I can do anything with my career. WTF is wrong with me. I'm thinking of euthanasia these days, and its mostly cuz of side effects -- hair loss, and being doomed to need the hair drugs. AND even if those were not problems.... WTF how am I going to live a normal life now, if I haven't up until now? 

Edited by MNK99
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I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.

I can relate to a few things you wrote.

4 hours ago, MNK99 said:

BUT, I wanted to leave the city I grew up in. Eventually i had to, because there was an extortion period... where I was a victim and got into a lot of trouble. Financial ruin, academic ruin etc. 

I understand this, wanting a fresh start on things.  I did the same thing ... moved to a different town to try and start over again.

4 hours ago, MNK99 said:

How come everyone I know is on facebook and everywhere, and loves to go out...

I am so with you on this.  I'm not on FB either, and have a hard time relating to people on there.

4 hours ago, MNK99 said:

As an obese smart boy I was alone, fledgling in I.B., and in universities (2) , I was alone. Girls ignoring me, to later flirting with me and actually occasionally asking me out (mostly its the guy's job),

From what you write I interpreted it to mean that when you lost weight people started paying attention to you more?  If so, I can relate to that 100%.  And looking back, it sucks that at least part of my life (For me at least) is that way.  I've learned that when I am overweight, people, including DRs, don't treat me the same ... they still say 'hi' and treat me, but there is still a difference.  I hope that you didn't go through all of that, but if you did I am so sorry.  I can really empathize.

4 hours ago, MNK99 said:

I can't win.... and I don't get it.

Never give up.  There is always hope.  You might not see it now, but I think it is out there (IMO).

4 hours ago, MNK99 said:

Will the right bipolar meds help me be a proper functioning adult? 

Yes, it is possible.  You say that every med messes you up (that you've tried).  Just know that the first med/s you try, it might take a few meds before finding the right one/s for you.  Unfortunately (for most people, IMO), it doesn't work that way.

 

Do you currently see a therapist?  (aside from your pdoc)?  If not I would highly suggest finding one.

I also just want you to know that you aren't alone.

 

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5 hours ago, MNK99 said:

I turned 30 recently. I live in a city with 5mn people. I'm reasonably attractive and have been for most of my adulthood (not to sound arrogant), but STILL FOUND IT HARD TO MAKE FRIENDS. I make people laugh, smile, people flirt with me... but a couple things have held me back.

 Will the right bipolar meds help me be a proper functioning adult? 

Living on my own helped me and got me closer to some goals. 

Trying new work is next... BUT, what if I'm still this loner that can't solve their problems? 

I wanted perfection before relationships... but that doesn't make any sense and will never happen. You don't need to be perfect. But every single medication I take fucks me up in some way. Every career I want negates the chances of the other ones. 

I was so full of life and I loved people as a kid sometimes.... but now fuck... I try to smile. I felt happy on lamotrigine but I felt like dying with some of the side effects. I don't get it why can't I find a solution. I want to see the bipolar specialist again after my surgery at the end of the month

Even my younger cousin will be done Medical school before I can do anything with my career. WTF is wrong with me. I'm thinking of euthanasia these days, and its mostly cuz of side effects -- hair loss, and being doomed to need the hair drugs. AND even if those were not problems.... WTF how am I going to live a normal life now, if I haven't up until now? 

I have many of the same feelings. I haven't had the exact same experience as you (with the weight gain/loss) but I do wonder where the last 20 years have gone since i've been on meds. Making friends is super tough even if you do not have mental illness. Especially when you get older & are no longer in college. This is a huge struggle for me also. I take it personally when contacts don't reciprocate, you get tired of always having to start over & over again with relationships. Having no one to share successes & struggles, to engage with apart from a therapist. People being too busy or preoccupied with kids/family. My depression keeps me from enjoying any solo hobbies that I used to enjoy. i don't get it. I'm very much alone. My partner doesn't understand my struggles at all. It is not an emotionally deep connection.

I too used to be "full of life" as a child - happy, smart, promising, creatively talented in many ways and then in High school everything crashed. I started meds and I have still to see whether they really improve the quality of my life. I am floundering, drifting, missing milestones. I will continue to try before giving up, but damn it's tough. I get side effects from about everything too which makes me want to quit everything, although I know that's not a solution. I look around at FB friends and have this immense sense of failure - why can't i achieve even a small portion of what they have? Yes, a normal life. Is that too much to ask? A career I enjoy, supportive community of friends, family, happy intimate relationships. Looking at others lives makes me hate myself.

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I mean, Its been almost ten years since I've been "attractive" and yet I'm "forever alone"...

I mostly do ask out girls occasionally, but really, its been flings or near-flings with alcohol, etc. Girls I really really like, I kind of mess it up, or I'm not interested. 

I mean, my home city was left 8 or 9 years ago. I lived in one part of Canada, then England, then another part of Canada. AND I feel like this "clean slate" issue comes up again and again... and it doesn't exist.

_I wanted a "clean slate" at 15, ay 17, at 18, at 20-22 a few times... It doesn't happen. I get better in some ways, worse in others. And there's so much confusion. I thought my problem was I was fat and underachieving at times... THen I realized I was "good looking" but I was still kind of a loser. Then, I thought just aloof. I got the ADHD diagnosis and it helped -- I accept fine I'm different, and there's scars from the past... but who cares, I'll find my happy ending. I also thought and others told me "you're kind of crazy, but you're awesome/ cool, great personality". Now after the Bipolar II diagnosis (no offense to others), I guess yes, I am crazy... but what am I supposed to do about it?

I can't underachieve. I can get maybe 20 jobs. Ones that interest me, maybe... Zero? I'd have to create a job, or get into it somehow. Jobs I'd last without meds, except for the creative dream jobs that I can't really get in Canada...? I don't know, I've never lasted anywhere.  I feel I may be mentally challenged. I blacked out... and fell and don't remember all the details but had a very scary episode and it was my first blackout around my 21st birthday. Perhaps that, various other blackouts, and such have caused my so called ADHD/Bipolar II? Perhaps it was cocaine a few years later? Or the internet... But I was always distractible, losing things, finishing things last minute, scatterbrained, and a moody little kid too ;)

I just don't want to ruin my looks for stability. I..e. take lamotrigine and ruin my hair. I don't want to save my hair and destroy my sex drive (Finasteride). I don't want to kill myself either. My true goals... I don't know if i can do them, without some "antidepressant/ optimism boost". AS in... a mood stabilizer. BUT I think that after gaining weight on seroquel/possibly getting dumber, losing my mind on Effexor, losing a ton of hair on Adderall/Lamictal later, and the like... I'm screwed no matter what I do. The healthiest nicest thing to do, would be disavow myself from Psychiatry and Psychology. But like the various cities I left and schools I ran away from... something I can't outrun - it's me. It isn't only me. Lots of trauma was real and not imagined... and there are crappy people out there. BUT, I need total confidence to succeed... otherwise forget being a star, I'll be a nobody. And it looks like maybe I have to adjust expectations down... maybe without the knowledge of the ADHD/BPII... maybe the fact that I can't prove nor disprove these conditions and no one else really can for me, and treating them is really a nightmare.... maybe I'm screwed no matter what I do. ANd if that's the case - what am I supposed to do? 

Sorry for the curses. 

 

At least if I still look young -- my potential is there. If my mental, executive functioning ruins my potential to "succeed", I don't think it makes sense to ruin my potential to find happiness.

-Has anyone's life IMPROVED for treatment of these or similar disorders? 

EDIT: Sorry for cursing a lot. I'm super stressed right now.

 

It was FINASTERIDE TOO. Sunken eyes, hollow eyes, thinning facial skin...  I can't believe I agreed to either medication and minoxidil. Not to sound like a conspiracy theorist - but I've been thru pharma hell before. I'm trying to recover from finasteride now... It's going to be a pain in the ass and a long ordeal. But luckily I took none of these meds longer than 4 months. 

Edited by MNK99
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I agree with others who've said that you should probably try therapy.  It seems that a lot of things you've experienced are still weighing very heavily on you.  Meds can help a lot, but they can't do everything.  They can help correct the chemical balance in your brain, but they won't erase your negative thoughts.  Therapy can help you feel better about yourself so that you are able to see your assets and help you connect better to others.  

It is okay to not be "normal" without meds.  There is no shame in it.  People take medications to make themselves "normal" all the time.  Someone with diabetes needs meds to make their insulin response normal, and someone with a mental illness might need meds to make their brain chemistry normal.  Lots and lots of people are living more normal lives in many ways thanks to modern medicine.  

I can say that meds have helped me a lot.  I sleep better, take care of myself better, and can focus on the things I need to do rather than my latest mental crisis.  I think that meds (once you find some that work) and therapy can definitely help you achieve what you're hoping. I'm recently 30 too.  I have a masters degree and am working in my field, but I'm now probably going to go back for another bachelors just to make a lateral career move.  I was considered very bright and talented as a kid and some might say that I'm not living up to my potential but guess what?  I'm still figuring things out and that's okay.  Starting treatment for bipolar has helped a LOT.  Instead of making an attempt at progress in my life before giving up due to depression, I am now able to make gradual progress over time.  I wish I'd started earlier.  I might have excelled in school rather than just getting by, for example.

And, regarding hair loss, it's really not the worst thing.  I understand why you'd want to avoid it, of course, but I do know a number of good looking men who are losing their hair pretty young, and it really doesn't take away from their looks at all, in my opinion. Most just wear their hair short.  Not bald, just pretty close cropped.  If you're dating women your own age, many aren't going to be bothered by hair loss at all.  It's just a thing that happens to a lot (really, a lot) of men.

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BP2 is not a death sentence and it's not abnormal for any guy in the U.S. to have some type of crisis if they haven't made it by the age of 30. By that, I mean low six figure salary, a luxury car, trophy spouse, etc.  I've seen it a lot, and the funny thing is most guys do not fall into this group. Don't judge your achivements by those of others, and don't believe social media either.  I once saw a guy have somebody take a picture of him standing next to a random Bentley in a parking lot for Linkedin. Also, there are always going to be more successful people.

However, you can "make it" but you are going to have to grind through a lot of hardship before you get there.  Law school is a dead end if you don't combine it with a MBA.  But the amount of loans you will have to take out is horrifying for that combo.  I would recommend PA school for rapid financial success. When you have money, you can attract some "useful" friends, but they will disappear if you fall into hard times. Ymmv... Good luck with everything.  Just remember that it will get harder and harder to shift gears as time moves on.

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I agree seeing a tdoc could also be helpful. First, it's about you, not your looks, assuming you are clean and groomed. Believe me, attractive people have all kind of issues too, not to discount prejudice against wt issues, but looks aren't everything. Especially as I get older I see that it's important to focus on other aspects of myself and others. Have I had a normal life?  A lot more so since I got on proper meds, but I went through many to get there. It's hard to have relationships if you aren't comfortable with yourself and that's the hard part isn't it?  I know that from experience. For me, meds were eventually life changing but I've had to work on myself and my thinking. Not CBT formally but similar I think. Yes I have MI diagnoses but overall I've done what I could and I'm pretty happy with who I am. Keep going, get help, and keep hope for the future, based on my experience. I'm a lot older but at 30 things weren't good, either. 

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  • 1 month later...

@Jean, I know law school's a dead end... that's why I've been so against it. But the older generation of lawyers... some only 10 years older, that make 600k- millions plus, don't realize its different now. And my cousin is a dual Harvard MBA and MPA... and without Harvard/ Yale like credentials... its basically a waste of time. that's why I needed to keep my hair and my face.... so I could do something I cared more about. 

As lame and bizarre as it sounds. As screwed up, lost, confused, prone to doing well then messing up as I am... At least I could enter any room and light it up and make jokes -- when I'm confident (which for me is due to appearance, grooming, and intellect, charm). If I hate myself... that's harderI haven't felt this messed up even when I was obese. I only felt this bad when I was in danger of failing high school or university... and even then, that was about marks... and expectations, not so much something like this, internal character. I don't know why I broke my own rules.... I hate meds, no disrespect. I know they have saved many people's lives according to them and doctors. But, I'd rather die young, confident and successful and somewhat happy than live forever miserable. 

I think I screwed myself a lot with Finasteride. Probably half of the side effects I thought were Lamo were from Finasteride as well. And now I have 20+ things I'm trying to fix. It depletes neurosteroids, messes with sexual functioning, the face, and much much more. I can't believe I broke my own rules to never try meds again... and to try a med I said never too (finasteride). But I tried it bc, of the hair loss of Lamotrigine bc of my vanity. I'll figure something out I guess.........

 

thx ev1 for the replies I will read in detail. I think I needed better friends, someone to talk to... to tell me to throw the pills away before I took them I don't know. I can't believe I fucked myself over again with meds. This is horrible, but I'll TRY MY BEST TO RECOVER. There's one good source of positive information on finasteride recoveries amidst a bunch of terrifying posts on various forums, Swole Source

Edited by MNK99
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Hi :3 well first off I'm sorry your going though so much sometimes with our disorders it can make life unbarrble . And the answer to the question is yes we can live a "normal " life but what is normal to us isn't normal to everyone else the right meds will help but you will also have to put in the work. Going to therapy , not drinking in excess or doing drugs, trying to reroute your feelings into a positive light . It's hard but it's possible but the right med combo will. Help tremendously I have been though the medication merry go round as they say and it's so frustrating but you will get there if you keep at it 

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