Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

this shouldn't be happening?


Recommended Posts

should this be happening?

I'm recovering, right?

I'm just......exhausted...tired..want to sleep...want to curl up with a book...

but I'm at work. which is why this is short and quick.

I'm reading up on Shadow integration....makes total sense...but I want to withdraw...but I can't....

how does recovery really look? am I doing it right?

how do I know what is needed and what is me escaping my own recovery needs? how much comfort can I allow myself?

I have been blissfully free of all these pain-waracking questions while I have been really unwell. and now they're reappearing...that anxiety about how strict do I be with myself, and how lenient and allowing.....

"Its no fair..."

help?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think this process takes time and is not a linear step by step deal.

For me, pain comes in waves. 

But it always passes. 

You've had some amazing posts lately full of insight. 

But you can't expect to be fully integrated yet.  It's a rocky road.  But I think you are on the right track. 

Hang in there.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi, Nestling,

A couple of thoughts. First, the Effexor withdrawal. Even though you may be over the physical symptoms fairly fast (a month to six weeks typically), it takes your brain much longer to rebound and reinstate its own chemical balance.

Second, recovering from a long depressive episode is no walk in the park (at least for me). You're emerging from a very isolated and solitary period. Depression is a selfish disorder. You really can't look beyond your own misery for any length of time. So when you start coming out of it, and your perspective widens, you see the crapfest depression has made of your life (mine anyway). When I started coming out of depression, my credit was messed up because I hadn't been paying bills, my yard was a complete mess because I hadn't touched it in six months. I hadn't cooked a home meal more than about once every six weeks, I had gained about 30 pounds, and I had lost contact with friends. It was overwhelming. What worked for me was to break down all the things that had to be done into lists. Take one item and break it into its components. Work on one thing at a time. Take lots of breaks.

Finally, I realized that it took a while to sink into a depression and it was going to take a while to climb back up out of it and clean up my messes.

Go slow, give yourself a lot of credit for even being aware of things you couldn't bear to consider a couple of months ago. You can do this. But not all at once.

Greeny

Link to comment
Share on other sites

thanks themind and Greeny, ;)

I did manage to see your replies yesterday...before the thing crashed, and it helped a lot.

I had an amazing breakthrough insight later in the afternoon. I was feeling really crappy about how I am feeling well and my self perfectionism and self criticism has come back.....

Then I realised....my Depression has, as part of its function, been a defence and protection from my perfectionism and self-criticism.

While unwell I can/have been safely able to be more gentle on and allowing of myself, less hard on myself, more permissive.

No wonder in part of me I am reluctant to fully recover from Depression. Because it is a protection from a lifetime of being judged and crticised and blamed, by others as well as myself. Of never being good enough....much of my self harm was a punishment for my not being good enough, and hating myself.

No wonder I am feeling somewhat anxious and scared about this....the "I should be doing better" voice is out in force and I'm trying to soften the blows, and am not sure where the boundary line is, and I need secure and safe bounfaries (like I didn't have when a child, especially in the are of discipline and punishment. I was punished unjustly a lot of the time, and, guess what, I internalised that...).

I've had a 'cushion' in my Depression, in 'being unwell', and that's now been lifted, and its not so comfortable. Its like I've had a holiday from a strict father and now I've returned to him.

O no, its my Superego. Which has crushed my ego all my life...guess what...making me depressed....and so the spiral twists and turns and its all quite complex, but it also is astoundingly clear.

So, yes, I am moving forward.

As I said to my therapist earlier today, I don't really know what 'recovery' looks like as I have always been depressed to some degree.....so this is totally new territory.

I talked about all this a lot in therapy today, but I'm still percolating it in my psyche.....for now....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I had an amazing breakthrough insight later in the afternoon. I was feeling really crappy about how I am feeling well and my self perfectionism and self criticism has come back.....

Then I realised....my Depression has, as part of its function, been a defence and protection from my perfectionism and self-criticism.

While unwell I can/have been safely able to be more gentle on and allowing of myself, less hard on myself, more permissive.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Although I've only quoted this part, I could have written the entire post myself!

My perfectionism 'voice' didn't always disappear when I was deeply depressed, and that only made me more depressed. My therapist noted that it got very loud the moment I started being less depressed above a certain amount -- effectively tossing me back to the bottom.

The other thing I found about depression is that it allows me to ask for help. I have a very hard time asking for help and letting people take care of me. When I'm depressed, though, it's fine to ask and it's fine to accept.

It is possible to get past these things, and to learn new ways, and get relatively 'well.' I've managed it, most days, and I know you can too. It sounds like you have a good therapist, and I know that has made all the difference in my recovery -- meds alone would never have done it.

Fiona

Link to comment
Share on other sites

thanks Fiona. I appreciate your comments and support.

there's lots I have to say...somewhere in my head.....and my heart....and my body....but its hidden as yet, I'm still in percolation process, assimilation....whatever you can call it....after sleep tonight, I may feel clearer and be able to comment/respond....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...