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I thought I was feeling better.  Got through yesterday without crying once.  Felt really positive like "it", whatever "it" was, had passed.  But today I feel it coming on again.  I read too much into everything, and when one thing goes "wrong" or I take something personally or think something disappointing is about to happen or something disappointing *does* happen, it just becomes a catastrophe.  Well I guess maybe not in direct reaction, like I don't immediately melt down.  but I lose my motivation.  I feel like my natural state is on the edge and it takes just one small gust of wind and off I go.  After that, nothing helps.  Already this week I quit my job, which isn't a huge thing since I was only working minimal hours, but I have a chance to get back into one of the classes I've not gone to for three weeks, and I have to take advantage of that today.  But now all I want to do is sleep and cry.  I don't understand why I can't function anymore more than a few days at a time.  It NEVER used to be this bad, and my living situation now is so much better than in the past so I shouldn't be having these problems.  I really hate my life and myself and being this way.

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what kind of damage do you mean?

also, bear in mind that there doesn't have to be damage.

maybe try and rest and ride out the storm. its rough, I know, I've been through times when I just had to tuck up under my duvet, hold onto my pillow and hope.....but I'm not still under the duvet and I did survive.....there is hope, even when everything feels unbearable.....

hold on in there.

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For instance I quit my job. 

If I don't meet with my professor today, I will either lose financial aid eligibility or have to pay for two classes on my own between now and September (and pass them).

I don't feel like going.  I feel like lying on the couch and sleeping.  I don't know why I complained when effexor made me apathetic.  i prefer apathy in comparison.  Feeling is overrated.

I do stupid things when I get in this moods.  Lately it's been the depressed not going anywhere mood.  sometimes it's in the aggressive (not physically, but with words) mood and i say things I regret later.  can't take these things back.  Even when I'm happy, I'm annoying and act like a child which I guess is the adhd.  I can't find any sort of balance.  it's only when I settle on apathy or obsessing can I accomplish anything and not make stupid mistakes.

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Alas, neither depression nor recovery are linear processes.

Wanting to lie on the couch and do nothing is part of depression -- haven knows I've done enough of that. I do suggest contacting your professors though! When they know what the problem is, they are likely to be forgiving of lateness and perhaps even offer incompletes so you can finish the courses over the summer if you need to. I know that, as a teacher, I'm always more willing to work with students who come to me as soon as they get in trouble rather than waiting until they're hopelessly behind.

If you're in the US, you can also contact the disability services office at your school. They might be able to help you out with negotiating with your professors.

Fiona

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I guess what I am worried about is going in and talking to him and then just crying like a maniac, it is so uncontrollable and I have no idea how to stop it.  But when I start explaining the situation I just melt down.  I did that the other day with someone, and really I never, ever should have had a meeting when I was feeling like that, but I did, and I swear I cried for an hour like a baby.  I quit my job because I work with kids and I couldn't risk going in and doing that there.  I can't just put my life on pause but I also can't interact with people in a constructive and normal way when I'm like this.  Does that make sense?  I'm really not just trying to make excuses, I know what I should do and I know what the easiest thing to do is, but I also know that emotionally I'm just not going to get through a conversation and remain coherent.  I still can't get over the meeting the other day and how stupid I must have seemed-- I recall something about being told I'm immature (not in those words but that was the implication of what was being said) but I don't remember much else aside from the crying and apologizing.  I'm mortified about that. 

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I guess what I am worried about is going in and talking to him and then just crying like a maniac, it is so uncontrollable and I have no idea how to stop it.
Wouldn't that be preferable to having to PAY for classes? Just tell him you're having a rough time and you will probably cry, and let's just get this done...kind of thing. It's OK. Are you not on any meds? You sound waaaaaaay depressed. You were on

Effexor, when did you go off and why? (Just wondering, not interrogating...) Have you called your doc?

Take care of the school stuff if you can at all--if only to make phone calls as Fiona suggested that you are in no condition today to meet with this professor. Taking care of business and crying hysterically at the same time is a bitch! But it can be done, and if it will save you the cost of paying for 2 classes...if you can at all, do something today about that. We'll be here when it's over and you can tell us how it went.

You should have seen me at airport security when I was taking hubby's ashes back to California...they had to examine his remains, because through the screener it looked rather suspicious--a heavy, dense package in a backpack. I was a wreck, I lost it totally, right there--and they felt terrible, but they were very understanding and consoling.

Hang in there and get some help, if you don't have that in the works already, please?

Hugs if you want them,

S9

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I went off Effexor because it wasn't controlling my symptoms and seemed to create new ones.  But the only reason I want it now is because it made me apathetic which at the time was bothersome but right now i could use it.  I want to make the wrong decisions and just not care instead of making the wrong decisions and wanting to take it out on myself or constantly cry and think bad things about myself.  So that's why I miss Effexor.  It seems like the more I care the more damage I do, because I feel like I don't deserve to have anything or anyone and in order to properly punish myself I need to make all these bad decisions that can't get taken back.  I'm just sabotaging myself when I start to feel this way.  I just become certain that it's what I deserve and even if I change my mind later, *right now* I am "right".  I have no clue how to explain it so that it makes sense.  Just writing it, it sounds really stupid.

I just can't go in today, but I will try on Monday.  Maybe by then I can pull myself together enough to do it.  Just too weak right now. 

Another thing, and I don't know if anyone else ever feels this way, but it's something that I think is really in the way of me being able to get passed all of this stuff.  I feel like I have incredible potential to do very well and have maybe not a perfectly normal life, but be satisfied and happy and content.  But what is really confusing and troubling to me is I also think and feel things that do not "mesh" with living comfortably or contently.  I don't ever feel that I'm leaning more in one way or the other.  I'm sitting smack dab in the middle of doing great or failing miserably.  I don't see it as all or nothing type thinking because I can imagine it so clearly, myself being capable of either scenario.  And because of that I don't feel that I deserve the positive scenario, at the same time I don't know that I am truly capable of the negative, so I just feel stuck.  And by negative I don't even know what I mean by that, I think it just means being a bad person and maybe not doing harm but saying hurtful things and completely living an isolated and dreadful life, a wasted one.

I think I 'll go out and get something to eat. 

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Hi imfinethanks,

The symptoms and situations you're describing sound almost exactly like me a year ago, except I was a depressed crying confused mess of a teacher instead of a student.  You're definitely not alone here!  Keep posting, lots of folks here care about you.

I don't presume to tell you what's the right course of action for you.  All I can do is relate my experiences and hope you find people in your community to help you make the right decisions for you.

For me medication and reducing time commitments to a minimum were what helped at the time.  This only after I had crying incidents in the presence of no less than eight other faculty members at several different times.  And numerous sick leave days and dragging my unmotivated ass to class late almost every day.  I didn't know we had a school psychologist/psychiatrist until my department chair suggested I go see him.  Mortifying.

I agree with many suggestions that NullO, Fiona, and Saturnine gave because certain things have been helpful to so many others of us that they might be helpful to you too.  Look for a reason to get up at the same time every morning (even if you end up taking naps later), find advocates who can help do battle for you (disability services, a mentor, etc. to help navigate healing... and paperwork), and schedule appointments with all your docs to rule out any other medical causes that could be complicating your depression.

I totally hear you about the damage of a bad depressive episode sucking so bad.  Its a year later and I'm still not back up to 100%  Even on meds I still have lows but they're shorter and not as low and I still have uncontrollably irritable moods for several days solid at a time where I say and do regrettable things.  But I've been quite surprised by how forgiving many people around me are.  I'm not 'out' about MI at work but being teachers, I think a lot of them could see that Something Was Wrong and tried to reassure me and then now that I'm behaving much more pleasently its obvious Something Is Being Done.  The way I see it, understanding people will reward positive action and understand that it takes time. 

Another thing, and I don't know if anyone else ever feels this way, but it's something that I think is really in the way of me being able to get passed all of this stuff.  I feel like I have incredible potential to do very well and have maybe not a perfectly normal life, but be satisfied and happy and content.  But what is really confusing and troubling to me is I also think and feel things that do not "mesh" with living comfortably or contently.  I don't ever feel that I'm leaning more in one way or the other.  I'm sitting smack dab in the middle of doing great or failing miserably.  I don't see it as all or nothing type thinking because I can imagine it so clearly, myself being capable of either scenario.  And because of that I don't feel that I deserve the positive scenario, at the same time I don't know that I am truly capable of the negative, so I just feel stuck.  And by negative I don't even know what I mean by that, I think it just means being a bad person and maybe not doing harm but saying hurtful things and completely living an isolated and dreadful life, a wasted one.

Yes.  I feel that way too.  I know from experience and people telling me that I'm smart and talented at certain things (definitely not all things though!) but at the same time paradoxically feeling like I'm not worth the big $$$ to go to a really good grad school.  WTF is up with this self-sabatoging attitude of mine?  So here I am frustrated and working to live paycheck to paycheck because I don't feel I'm worth the time and $$$ to go find out what I'm really capable of.  Logically.  Does.  Not.  Make.  Sense.  But there's something safe feeling about limbo and scary about commiting to something.  Then again, once you make a choice to do something, the freedom of choice is poof gone but on the other hand, the pressure to make choices is off too.  Arrrgh, I'm not trying to give any advice here, I'm just rambling about the topic you brought up because its one that I struggle with too.

Whether any of this is helpful or not, just know that you're not alone.

Best,

circles

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