Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Recommended Posts

I didn't know where to post this, but here goes...

I have been seeing very distorted images of myself when I look in the mirror for quite a while. I will see that my face is extremely crooked, or that there are big hollow areas under my eyes, etc. My pdoc ruled out body dysmorphic  and really couldn't say why I am like this. It has gotten to the point where I won't leave the house if the mirror image gets really bad because I think that people are staring at me and laughing. I hope this does not come off as being silly/shallow; it is what it is. Some days are okay, others...forget about it.

To make a long, possible rambling story short, I ahve just recently brought up the fact that I was molested at a young age. Okay, now my pdoc thinks I feel disgusting and evil because of this. Okay, makes sense. There is more to this, unfortunatelly. The two people who molested me are my two first cousins, and we share some similar facial features. We do not look like brothers and sister, but there are similarities. What I ahve been seeing in the mirror is partly due to this. I am seeing the two bastards who did this to me everytime I look. There's no excaping this, and if I could afford surgery, I would do it. It's like a life-long prison term, and it makes me feel so sick inside, like part of me is dying.

Just how common is this for people who have been abused by family members? I don't think that I am the only one. I am working on the actual abuse in therapy right now, but this particular issue has not really been addressed. Any responses are helpful. Thanks.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i'm not really that equipped to answer except that i was molested by a family member (first cousin).

yes, it affects the way i see my family members (father, aunt, cousins) and also triggered reactions with a therapist. i literally saw this therapist's face morph into my cousin's and it took me a moment or three to recognize that it wasn't him, and yet at the same time his face lingered there. some treatment this therapist was trying to do triggered flashback reaction and i couldn't trust him after that and had to terminate the therapy.

i don't see my cousin's face when i look in the mirror, although we do look kind of similar.

i sometimes go out and feel people staring and laughing or whispering. it's most pronounced when i feel or see something that is disgusting about my appearance. or sometimes it's just a feeling. i've noted before that i feel sometimes like i 'wear' other people's faces - people i like, people i don't like, dead people, old friends, etc.

i have more or less stopped looking at myself in the mirror. it's been for probably a year, maybe more, and i've done this before for various lengths of time. i look at myself up close, without glasses, to floss, tend to my piercing, or do some compulsive type picking. i have severe myopia, and so i would say my view of myself is distorted automatically. i can't see close enough with my glasses, and with them off, i'm just a fuzzy blur.

i think not looking in the mirror for me is more to do with my own eye contact and there is possibly some dysmorphia going on, but i don't really know and haven't really explored it at all. part of what frustrates me with the dx process and therapy with my pdoc is that it feels like there's no space to discuss this stuff. maybe it's just not bad enough for me to bring up.

anyway really really i think you aren't alone.

pj

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wasn't abused, but my face does distort and morph when I stare at it in a mirror.  I'll let my eyes go out of focus and stare at myself, and my face sort of changes.  My face changes, and I look like a totally different person.  I'm schizoaffective, so I assume this is a visual hallucination for me. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

just wanted to offer my support and empathy in these words. I understand how powerful self image and memories can be, how painful...

My background is different,- being bullied by peers, and emotional abuse/neglect in my family (and my diagnosis)but I often feel people are staring at me and laughing....that I am ugly etc.....so I really understand some of what you're describing. My self image is often distorted because I see in my mind's eye what I thought other people saw.

Maybe with time and more therapy around this, your self acceptance will grow and you will start to see yourself as you without the dark and traumatising filters.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Guestxyz

I'm very sorry you're going through this.

I'm not very sure what's going on.

I can see elements of three different conditions: PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), psychotic experiences, elements of multiple personality (usually called dissociative (identity) disorder these days).

Getting a good psychiatrist is probably a good thing.

And I'm not sure what's the best thing to get rid of these symptoms on the long run, but I think there is a good chance these symptoms will (partially) disappear fairly quickly with the right dose of the right antipsychotic. But I cannot rule out that that's counterproductive to getting healthy on the long run. I'd say it's at least worth a try to get rid of the symptoms soon. You can always stop taking them later. Ask your psychiatrist (or if you have to wait for one, your GP) if he thinks it might help, and what other treatment is good.

Best wishes.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm very sorry you're going through this.

I'm not very sure what's going on.

I can see elements of three different conditions: PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), psychotic experiences, elements of multiple personality (usually called dissociative (identity) disorder these days).

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

My official dx is major depression with psychotic features, but I'm pretty sure that this is not the only thing wrong. I was tempted to put this in the Post Traumatic area, but I guess it really doesn't matter. I have also had some mild dissociative episodes when I am really stressed (I zone out and feel like I'm out of my body).

On top of all of this, some snarky girls at school said that I looked like a man after I cut my hair. Hey, I like my hair short, and my boyfriend has no complaints, but them acting like the petty bitches they are has really brought the whole looking-like-my-cousin thing to light. I dunno...maybe this is a GOOD thing, because it was buried deep down inside of me. I have ALWAYS been anxious about the way I look, but never knew why until recently. I can be detatched about it (like I do when I'm mildly depressed) and think that this is all interesting, but it just hits too close to home. Without a doubt, it sucks to be me  ;) .

Anyway, I've been on 4 mg of trilafon (antipsychotic) twice a day for months now with no changes. I've also been on zyprexa, seroquel, and I couple of others I can't remember right now. I have also started with a new therapist, who I like. Maybe the therapy will snap me out of this BS; I was in therapy for three years with the same doctor, but I ahd to quit seeing him because I think that he was laughing at me behind my back. Well, if I am willing to see a new therapist, there is still a light I see at the end of the tunnel...dim, but there.

Thanks a bunch for the responses; they've made my day. The only other person I talk about this with is my boyfriend, and he's not mentally interesting, so maybe he doesn't understand. At least he tries, though. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...