Having kids when you have MI? Have you/Would you?

[Blahblah]

1.) How many people here have decided to forgo having children because you have Mental Health issues? Are you glad that you stayed childless?

2.) If you DID have kids - do you regret your decision? Was it more (or less) challenging/upsetting/depressing than you expected?

3.) Does anyone here feel that having kids was the most fulfilling, meaningful choice in their life? Why?

[CrazyRedhead]

18 hours ago, Blahblah said:

 Does anyone here feel that having kids was the most fulfilling, meaningful choice in their life? Why?

I have 2 children, both adults now and on their own, doing very well.

Was it easy?--No.........IMO, being a parent is one of the most difficult  tasks a person can undertake.

But raising them was also the most rewarding, joyful experience of my life.......It was so worth it to me......Sometimes my house feels so  empty now that they're living their own lives, but I have a good relationship with them, and they come to see me regularly. 

Edited July 20, 2017 by CrazyRedhead

[Blahblah]

Thanks @CrazyRedhead for replying. This board is so empty these days I didn't think I'd get any answers.

Were you struggling with MDD and GAD before & after you became pregnant?  I'm assuming if you have older/grown children, you had them when you were young? (like 20's?) I'm having a hell of a time deciding if it's the right decision. Hub really wants a child. I'm at the end of my childbearing years (42), married only 3 years ago. Was told by doc that even with ivf i cannot put it off many months longer. I'm anxious, afraid and worried about being a stable mom...being totally overwhelmed with little support (I have no friends or family around me now). I am financially (and emotionally) dependent on my spouse. As someone with 20 years of MI, I worry that if i get hospitalized or get divorced, the child would be taken away from me and that would be the most devastating heartbreak.

On the other hand, I worry I will regret not trying to have a child for the rest of my life. As a lonely only child, I always wanted a family, I am a nurturing person. All woman claim that while it's the toughest job, it is also the most joyful and meaningful experience to bring a child into the world. How the hell do you decide? I have no answer in my gut and time is not on my side.....

[CrazyRedhead]

@Blahblah, I had my son when I was 25, and my daughter was a beautiful "surprise " when I was 35.

I have struggled with MDD since high school, but the GAD, insomnia and OCD didn't come along until some years later.

Of course, I can't decide what's right for you, but if  I was in your shoes, and had a really deep desire to have a child, I think you will regret it if you don't go for it now while you can.

IMO, it does no good to worry about what might or might not happen in the future.....I also worried about having MI and having a child taken away---But guess what--that never happened.

In my experience, if you have a child, you are always going to be worried about something--I still worry about them, even now that they're adults......But the joy and the love that children bring always outweighed the worry for me.

These are just my own thoughts on the subject.....But you will never forget holding a baby for the first time, watching them learn to walk, and holding that little hand........And most of all, having that little one look into your eyes and say--"Mommy, I love you"........

Edited July 23, 2017 by CrazyRedhead

[heilmania]

I'm in the same decision-making process as you right now... I'm only 27, but my husband is 40. He has always said he wanted kids. I went IP last month for a week. A couple weeks ago, we were on the couch, and he said he yells too much and I'm too crazy for us to have kids. We can barely take care of our pets. We can barely maintain a house. He's not wrong.

I've always been fine with the idea of adopting, but he "doesn't want to take care of someone else's kids," which I guess is reasonable. He spent a lot of his 20s helping his mom raise his nieces and nephew, because his brother and sister are both junkies (to this day) and didn't have the capacity to raise their own kids. I think that's where the not wanting to raise another person's kids came from.

I don't have the answer for you, Blahblah. I think it really depends on the person. My mom has panic disorder and managed to raise me, albeit not without me figuring out early on that she had problems other people didn't seem to have. I don't know how much that exposure at such a young age affected my own MH and how much of my MI comes from genes.

On one hand, I'm afraid of passing on my genes, which are FULL of a history of my family having MIs. On the other, I'd make a great mom. I enjoy spending time with kids. Every kid I've come across adores me. On the other other hand, I'm terrified of pregnancy and childbirth, so there's that.

Sorry I don't have much insight for you. Just wanted you to know you're not alone with questioning the right thing to do with this.

[Blahblah]

@heilmania I'm also terrified of pregnancy and childbirth! I am also a worrier and think about the worst case scenarios....what bad things can happen. I stupidly read those scary articles about women's needs being neglected in hospitals and they end up dying in childbirth. I cringe about the thought of being home alone all day changing diapers, cleaning, breastfeeding, having a crying baby wake me up every 2 hours, not having adult conversations for weeks at a time. Do other new moms not get upset about these things?? Or does everything change when it's YOUR baby?

I like kids but I feel very squeamish around newborns....I actually don't really think babies are cute. I do know that my husband would be a really great father. He refuses to adopt also. I don't know what to do. I think you still have some time still (especially if you do couple's fertility tests) the age of the mother is more important that the father I think. I really wish that I had another year to think about it. Then again, there is no guarantee that I will be ready or in a better headspace.

[heilmania]

45 minutes ago, Blahblah said:

Then again, there is no guarantee that I will be ready or in a better headspace.

Very true! I've heard over and over that if you wait for all your ducks to get in a row to have kids, you'll never have them. So, I guess there's that.

And I'm scared of being alone with a baby, too. I also don't think newborns are cute. I think they look scrunchy-faced and helpless, and that makes me feel uncomfortable. 

[Blahblah]

@heilmania Scrunchy faced aliens. Hahahaha.  Are you guys starting to try now or will you wait?

Can you stay on all of your medications?

[heilmania]

7 hours ago, Blahblah said:

@heilmania Scrunchy faced aliens. Hahahaha.  Are you guys starting to try now or will you wait?

Can you stay on all of your medications?

We're waiting. I'm still on the fence, husband's still on the fence...

I could, potentially, stay on some of my meds (not Adderall or Klonopin), but I'm actually in the middle of a long tapering-off process with my new psychiatrist. She wants to decrease all my medications, take me off some, and basically start from scratch, since the cocktail I'm on currently landed me IP last month. Sooooo we'll see what happens with that.

[CrazyRedhead]

10 hours ago, Blahblah said:

Can you stay on all of your medications?

Personally, when I found out I was pregnant, both times, I tapered off all my meds pretty rapidly, per the advice of my OB doctor,  because there were no significant studies out at the time about the safety of psych meds during pregnancy.......I was not on any benzos yet at those times, which I am thankful for.....

After I delivered, both times, I went right back on my meds and bottle fed both of mine....I know breastfeeding is better for the baby, but I wanted to be back my on my meds ASAP, trying to avoid post-partum depression on top of the depression I already had.

I did find this very informative pdf published in 2014, which lists a lot of psych meds on page 2 and the safety data for their use during pregnancy.......

Basically, the ones highlighted with pink are the most dangerous to use while pregnant, and the ones highlighted in green are the safest.....The ones not highlighted at all fall somewhere in the middle.

I was surprised to see that Wellbutrin is one of the the safest antidepressants to use during pregnancy:

https://www.jpshealthnet.org/sites/default/files/psych_meds_and_pregnancy_e-resource_-_may_2014.pdf

Edited July 21, 2017 by CrazyRedhead

[heilmania]

3 hours ago, CrazyRedhead said:

I was surprised to see that Wellbutrin is one of the the safest antidepressants to use during pregnancy

Damnit. When I was a teenager, that stuff made me have full-on hallucinations so bad my mom tried to check me into the psych ward. (Since I wasn't a threat to myself or others, they wouldn't take me, obvi.) I took myself off Wellbutrin as soon as that happened.

[Blahblah]

@CrazyRedhead The chart you provided is somewhat helpful to weed out the toxic ones like Benzos, Paxil, Lithium...but it seems the majority are "C" class or with possible risk... So I'm not sure what this means..plus what if you are on a newish med (like trintillex, rexulti, etc) where there is really no data about birth defects, what do you do?

I guess all we can do is check with our pdoc, but even then I wonder if pdocs are all experts on the med studies in pregnancy or the indications of psych medications in pregnancy??

[heilmania]

10 minutes ago, Blahblah said:

@CrazyRedhead The chart you provided is somewhat helpful to weed out the toxic ones like Benzos, Paxil, Lithium...but it seems the majority are "C" class or with possible risk... So I'm not sure what this means..plus what if you are on a newish med (like trintillex, rexulti, etc) where there is really no data about birth defects, what do you do?

I guess all we can do is check with our pdoc, but even then I wonder if pdocs are all experts on the med studies in pregnancy or the indications of psych medications in pregnancy??

There are pdocs who specialize in dealing with pregnancy! Someone told me about that on here recently. 

[malachite]

This is exactly the thread I need right now! I am 38 and time is running out. In addition to my mental cooties, I have some physical problems including diabetes triggered by prior use of aaps. I am on 9 drugs right now (slowly weaning off one.) My pdoc is very supportive if I do want to get pregnant. I have always, always, always wanted a child. Kids love me; I spent a lot of time working with kids before going on ssdi. I agree with the above posters that infants are weird and it's kind of scary caring for them. But once a kid reaches the age of 1, I adore every age from then on. My partner and I don't have a support system for a kid if I go off the rails, nor enough money to hire help. I worry about my health going through pregnancy and childbirth and getting off meds that are dangerous before conceiving. And lack of sleep during infancy and worry about my child and, well...everything. I  vacillate about whether to have a child all the time. Can't really afford to not make up my mind much longer and doubt with my MI history we could adopt. 

[Blahblah]

@malachite Have you ever done a fertility workup? That would at least give you info as to your chances. You ask to get your thyroid/TSH, AMH, and FSH as well as estrogen etc. This can at least predict physically your fertility & ability to get pregnant...

I'm curious to hear from more people here that have had kids or are considering having kids with MI as an added challenge. It is a very tough decision to make, even without mental health issues/concerns. and yes, pregnancy for some can pose no problems, but for me - lack of sleep & hormone fluctuations really trigger huge issues.

Edited July 22, 2017 by Blahblah

[CrazyRedhead]

8 hours ago, Blahblah said:

@CrazyRedhead The chart you provided is somewhat helpful to weed out the toxic ones like Benzos, Paxil, Lithium...but it seems the majority are "C" class or with possible risk... So I'm not sure what this means..plus what if you are on a newish med (like trintillex, rexulti, etc) where there is really no data about birth defects, what do you do?

C class drugs mean that "risk cannot be ruled out" during pregnancy.......

What do you do if you're on a newer med that doesn't have any pregnancy risk data yet?.......That's a tough one....Back in the day when I got pregnant, there was no real data on ANY psych med use during pregnancy, so I opted to rapidly taper off my meds when I found out I was pregnant.

Was it tough going through pregnancy without any meds?.....Yes it was.....Not gonna lie about that.....Luckily at those times I had a great therapist to go to ...........I think I went once a week while I was pregnant...

Edited July 22, 2017 by CrazyRedhead

[CrazyRedhead]

8 hours ago, heilmania said:

There are pdocs who specialize in dealing with pregnancy! Someone told me about that on here recently. 

That's wonderful......I wasn't aware of that...........I would guess that these "pregnancy pdocs" would have much more info about possible risks of particular meds.

Edited July 22, 2017 by CrazyRedhead

[confused]

I have 2 children 16 and 19 yo. I was not dx when I had them, so I did not have to deal with medication issues during pregnancy. 

It has been hard for me. I get tired a lot and have anxiety. When I was very symptomatic, I was absorbed with my delusions. 

I worried what effect it had on them, but they turned out to be really great. My husband and mother in law helped out quite a bit. I do not know what I would do without my husband. 

My daughter is distant from me. I think some of that is because of my illness. Partly because I wasn't always there and partly just because of how I act (not because of my illness,). I sometimes say and do stupid things. I love her and am very proud of her, she has done really well in school. Sometimes, it makes me sad that we don't have more of a relationship.

my son likes everyone, is really sweet, likes to hug. He brings me joy.

my daughter is moody and my son gets anxious sometimes, I think, but they don't have any mi.

 

i am not sure what choice I would have made, knowing what I know now, but I can't imagine them not being here.

 

You mentioned being nervous around newborns.

i am still nervous around other people's newborns, but when I had my own, .i got used to taking care of them. 

Edited July 23, 2017 by confused

[Blahblah]

@confused How old were you when you had your first? We're you 100% sure that you wanted kids or did you feel somewhat unsure at that time?

Do you ever feel regrets or sadness, like you had to give up your freedom, possible career or exciting life paths in order to stay put & take care of them? Also: Would you have kids if you had absolutely no family or friends around you- only your husband?

Sorry for all of the questions! I am really struggling with this massive decision.

[heilmania]

Oof. I'm struggling as well. I almost hope he doesn't ever bring up having kids again...

[Blahblah]

49 minutes ago, heilmania said:

Oof. I'm struggling as well. I almost hope he doesn't ever bring up having kids again...

If you are only 27 and already married & thinking about this, I think you are in a good position to take more time out for this decision. No rush for you, so much can change within a year (or 3). The biggest factor is the woman's age. You're in good shape until 35-37 when your fertility starts to drop significantly. The husbands age is somewhat of a factor, but not nearly as much as the womans. If he pressures you, might be a good thing to get a fertility test in the next couple years, which will be a good indication of whether you can wait another 10 years - though I don't know how your husband feels about fathering a newborn at age 50!

[heilmania]

8 minutes ago, Blahblah said:

If you are only 27 and already married & thinking about this, I think you are in a good position to take more time out for this decision. No rush for you, so much can change within a year (or 3). The biggest factor is the woman's age. You're in good shape until 35-37 when your fertility starts to drop significantly. The husbands age is somewhat of a factor, but not nearly as much as the womans. If he pressures you, might be a good thing to get a fertility test in the next couple years, which will be a good indication of whether you can wait another 10 years - though I don't know how your husband feels about fathering a newborn at age 50!

Hah! That's the thing, I don't think he'd do well with that, lol. 

[confused]

3 hours ago, Blahblah said:

@confused How old were you when you had your first? We're you 100% sure that you wanted kids or did you feel somewhat unsure at that time?

Do you ever feel regrets or sadness, like you had to give up your freedom, possible career or exciting life paths in order to stay put & take care of them? Also: Would you have kids if you had absolutely no family or friends around you- only your husband?

Sorry for all of the questions! I am really struggling with this massive decision.

I am an older mom. I had them at 34 and 37.  It took me a long time to find my husband.

I was sure I wanted them.

I really didn't have anything to give up.  I would have more money now, though.

I don't know how to answer that last question. I probably would have, but it does make it that much harder.

 

 

 

[confused]

On 7/20/2017 at 9:37 AM, Blahblah said:

@heilmania I'm also terrified of pregnancy and childbirth! I am also a worrier and think about the worst case scenarios....what bad things can happen. I stupidly read those scary articles about women's needs being neglected in hospitals and they end up dying in childbirth. I cringe about the thought of being home alone all day changing diapers, cleaning, breastfeeding, having a crying baby wake me up every 2 hours, not having adult conversations for weeks at a time. Do other new moms not get upset about these things?? Or does everything change when it's YOUR baby?

I like kids but I feel very squeamish around newborns....I actually don't really think babies are cute. I do know that my husband would be a really great father. He refuses to adopt also. I don't know what to do. I think you still have some time still (especially if you do couple's fertility tests) the age of the mother is more important that the father I think. I really wish that I had another year to think about it. Then again, there is no guarantee that I will be ready or in a better headspace.

Yes, moms get upset. They have groups for moms to get together. People suggested them to me, but I didn't look into it. Some of those things change, babies sleep longer when they get older. breastfeeding doesn't have to be a chore, (pumping can be a pain if you are going to be away, a lot).

[Chantho]

My children bring me joy. When I'm not in the depths of self-loathing, they make me feel like there's meaning to my life. However, had I known at the time that I was bipolar, I probably would have refrained from having children. They both show signs of mental illness. My symptoms have a profound impact on their life, no matter how hard I try to shelter them. I'm not saying that I think those with MI shouldn't be parents, far from it. I'm just saying that my personal flavor of MI (beyond just bipolar disorder or even its symptoms, but my reaction to and ability to cope with all my specific symptoms) is not conducive to effective parenting.

[TakeAChillPill]

Especially right now my answer is a strong no.  

My flavor of mental illness is not even touched by psychiatric medication.  I've accepted that my personality is warped.  I am not a giver even though I possess elements of an empath/ highly sensitive person.  I know what a person is feeling and why but I don't care or feel obligated to do something about it.  If I could change this about myself I would because it's admittedly creepy. 

Having no nurturing bones within me would make me a mess of a mother.  On one hand it might produce some resilient adults but that most likely would not be the outcome.

Another thing is I don't seek out relationships and don't desire them.  Parenting is easier as a team so having kids by myself is foolish!

[Blahblah]

20 hours ago, TakeAChillPill said:

Especially right now my answer is a strong no.  

My flavor of mental illness is not even touched by psychiatric medication.  I've accepted that my personality is warped.  I am not a giver even though I possess elements of an empath/ highly sensitive person.  I know what a person is feeling and why but I don't care or feel obligated to do something about it.  If I could change this about myself I would because it's admittedly creepy. 

Having no nurturing bones within me would make me a mess of a mother.  On one hand it might produce some resilient adults but that most likely would not be the outcome.

Another thing is I don't seek out relationships and don't desire them.  Parenting is easier as a team so having kids by myself is foolish!

@TakeAChillPill - it seems you are actually doing really well these days!! (Well, just by reading your blog & with school, getting straight A's etc) That's interesting that you don't desire relationships? Do you mean just romantic or any kind of relationship/friendship? Do you ever think you won't cope or you'll become lonely/isolated after your parents/older relatives die? What do you hope for in your future? I always consider these things...

In related news....my pdoc said that i can only stay on Lamictal during pregnancy & must go off my other meds :-( I'm not really sure the Trintillex is helping much, but for sure the ritalin is with some things. I know Wellbutrin can be taken (but it did absolutely zilch for me) SSRI's don't do much to brighten my mood. I'm still not sure what is best to do. Still feeling pretty confused and hopeless that this depression will never end. I wish I could find some joy in something!

[confused]

1 hour ago, Blahblah said:

.

In related news....my pdoc said that i can only stay on Lamictal during pregnancy & must go off my other meds :-( I'm not really sure the Trintillex is helping much, but for sure the ritalin is with some things. I know Wellbutrin can be taken (but it did absolutely zilch for me) SSRI's don't do much to brighten my mood. I'm still not sure what is best to do. Still feeling pretty confused and hopeless that this depression will never end. I wish I could find some joy in something!

nm, I was not up on the latest news. 

Edited July 24, 2017 by confused

[Blahblah]

1 hour ago, confused said:

nm, I was not up on the latest news. 

Hi @confused I was just told this by my pdoc today, that of my meds I am currently taking, I can only stay on Lamictal. Apparently, to her knowledge, Lamictal is safe I guess...

[confused]

5 minutes ago, Blahblah said:

Hi @confused I was just told this by my pdoc today, that of my meds I am currently taking, I can only stay on Lamictal. Apparently, to her knowledge, Lamictal is safe I guess...

I am sorry. I misspoke. 

I

[Blahblah]

@CrazyRedhead @heilmania @Chantho @confused So I made the mistake of posting out my "list" of pros & cons to try to work through this having a baby thing on one of those mommy-pregnancy-type websites. Bad move.

Guess what the ladies on the site said... "mental illness is a HUGE red flag, your anxiety/worry about being trapped is terrifying to me. Just don't do it!!! Get yourself some help.  Do yourself a favor and just get a puppy" Well now I feel like sh**t.

[heilmania]

Just now, Blahblah said:

@CrazyRedhead @heilmania @Chantho @confused So I made the mistake of posting out my "list" of pros & cons to try to work through this having a baby thing on one of those mommy-pregnancy-type websites. Bad move.

Guess what the ladies on the site said... "mental illness is a HUGE red flag, your anxiety/worry about being trapped is terrifying to me. Just don't do it!!! Get yourself some help.  Do yourself a favor and just get a puppy" Well now I feel like sh**t.

God damnit. "Get yourself some help," and, "Do yourself a favor and just get a puppy," are so dismissive. People are afraid of what they don't understand, and many, many people do NOT understand MI.

TBH, my mom and dad raised me just fine. I love them both dearly. My dad has depression, and my mom has depression and panic attacks. I grew up watching my mom have panic attacks and spiral down to nothing. I honestly don't think that they CAUSED any of the MIs I deal with. Both sides of my family have MI ingrained. My dad's dad had to take Lithium for SOMETHING. My dad's mom chased my dad around with knives and shit all the time. My mom's side? All of them have anxiety in one form or another (agoraphobia, OCD, etc.). My mom's uncle also has schizophrenia. (hello, psychosis!)

I think my MIs are caused by genetics. I realllllllyyyyy don't think they're caused by my upbringing.

If you want kids, do it. Fuck those mommies. Now I'm mad.

[Blahblah]

@heilmania Thank you for your support....I wish i could just brush their opinions off, but I'm in a very vulnerable, impressionable place right now. I know I probably shouldn't go to those other forum places, but if you've never been pregnant or had a baby, you need to do research online and talk to others about it, right?? Now I feel like such complete sh**t, like how could someone like ME, even consider having a child? what if I have a major breakdown, ruin the poor kid and regret it for the rest of my life. I know this isn't a completely true outcome, but now my brain is swarming with these horrible thoughts.

[theredthread]

It's definitely not something I can picture right now, as I can't take care of myself.

I think what I've dealt with has made me a kind, very open-minded, and empathic person, and so in those ways I could make a good parent. 

Admittedly I'm only 27, but I've never really had that yearning for motherhood. Maybe I would have in different circumstances.  I'd have to feel sure that it would be worthwhile for them, being brought into this world.  I think having always been an insanely sensitive person, the idea of puttting children through the school system terrifies me, especially since I'll be giving them my genes. A whole new experience such as parenting seems like it could potentially be amazing, though, if everything was as right as it could be.

I know someone with severe mental health issues, a developental disorder, plus a horrible upbringing, who got a vasectomy at 23.  I know there are also lots of people with MH issues who have wanted to have children and are fantastic parents. But it must be really really tough.

Edited July 25, 2017 by theredthread

[heilmania]

1 hour ago, Blahblah said:

@heilmania Thank you for your support....I wish i could just brush their opinions off, but I'm in a very vulnerable, impressionable place right now. I know I probably shouldn't go to those other forum places, but if you've never been pregnant or had a baby, you need to do research online and talk to others about it, right?? Now I feel like such complete sh**t, like how could someone like ME, even consider having a child? what if I have a major breakdown, ruin the poor kid and regret it for the rest of my life. I know this isn't a completely true outcome, but now my brain is swarming with these horrible thoughts.

I know, it's hard not to take those things to heart. I honestly think kids are probably more resilient than we give them credit for. I definitely feel you, though. I really do.

I think the advice that's best, and probably what you'll continue to receive, is that everyone is different, and just because you have MI doesn't mean you're incapable of life things. For instance, I hold down a job, and a good one- with Depression, Anxiety, Psychosis and ADD, on the surface, it sounds to those WITHOUT MI like I wouldn't be able to do a damn thing but hide in my house. But, I'm here. At my desk. In my own office with a door that closes. I'm responsible for raising over a half-million dollars a year PLUS marketing for my organization.

Then again, my house is a mess.

BUT I could always get a raise in the future and get a maid.  

This is optimistic, normal, almost perky heilmania talking, though. Sad heilmania does not have these thoughts. Sad heilmania thinks she's too crazy to do anything and should give up, go on disability, and let her husband and parents take care of her.

Like you everyone, I go back and forth on what I'm capable of doing. Child-rearing doesn't seem too hard right now. But on my sad days, I can't even imagine having any extra responsibilities.

Sorry this comment got so long!

[CrazyRedhead]

1 hour ago, Blahblah said:

Guess what the ladies on the site said... "mental illness is a HUGE red flag, your anxiety/worry about being trapped is terrifying to me. Just don't do it!!! Get yourself some help.  Do yourself a favor and just get a puppy" Well now I feel like sh**t.

Sounds like some very ignorant, judgmental people on that site.....I'm so sorry that happened to you....How inconsiderate and rude of them to say that...! 

Please don't let those morons make you feel like sh*t.....You are a good person and don't deserve to be treated like that.

1 hour ago, Blahblah said:

 I know I probably shouldn't go to those other forum places, but if you've never been pregnant or had a baby, you need to do research online and talk to others about it, right?? 

Just a thought, but you could check out or buy some books on the subject, and not have to deal with rude people like the ones on that forum.........There's plenty of good reading material out there on pregnancy, babies, and motherhood.

Edited July 25, 2017 by CrazyRedhead

[Blahblah]

I think we women grow up in this world that says still says having children is the most important thing we can do, that being a mother is going to be our primary and most important identity when we are old, most important job in the world. It's really a dangerous message because it makes having children the default expectation rather than a proactive choice you are making...it's like you get older, go to college, get a job, get married then have kids....How do you separate what you really want in this modern world, ignoring centuries of evolution, cultural conditioning & societal expectations?

[heilmania]

Just now, Blahblah said:

I think we women grow up in this world that says still says having children is the most important thing we can do, that being a mother is going to be our primary and most important identity when we are old, most important job in the world. It's really a dangerous message because it makes having children the default expectation rather than a proactive choice you are making...it's like you get older, go to college, get a job, get married then have kids....How do you separate what you really want in this modern world, ignoring centuries of evolution, cultural conditioning & societal expectations?

Now THAT is another post altogether, lol. I agree completely. It's a societal expectation (and, in my case at least, a parental expectation), 100%. It actually makes more SENSE to not have kids- we're already overpopulated. I've also never been that person who felt I needed to have a kid to complete my life. It wasn't even in the picture for me until I got together with my husband.

[paintedsky]

 

I worry about the growing population and availability of resources.

Anyway, I wouldn't let mental illness stop you from having kids. I think it's okay to go after your dreams even if you have an illness.

 

Edited July 26, 2017 by paintedsky

[Lifesfcknpeachy]

I'm glad to have found this thread because someone might get me! 

First off, I have two boys ages 9 and ten. They are incredible little boys and have a heart of gold.

I would never say I regret becoming a mother. In a way, I think it saved me. When I met my husband at 20 years old I was a wild child. Heavily drinking and taking any pills that would get me feeling good or you could say to numb my emotional pain. I was literally on the road to sheer destruction. I had a 120 day hospital stay for addiction/mental health, 2 dui's, and many alcohol related offenses under my belt.

Then came my guy. He was so special I knew he was the one. He was a heavy drinker as well. We both made a pact to put that behind us and start a family. We didn't take long lol. Within a year we were married. But, also pregnant. 2 weeks after we said I do I wasn't feeling right so I got a second opinion from a prominent obgyn. The day we went in for my appointment I was told I was in labor and my bag of waters was about to come out. Omg. So in the ambulance I go. All alone because my husband wanted to take our car and call all family he followed behind not an inch behind that is. What followed set the course of a very tough road ahead. 

My son Landen came into the world on October 17th 2006. Our wedding was September 30th 2006. No time to be newlyweds or honeymoon. Landen was 1 pound 9 ounces. Skin was gelatinous eyes still fused shut. He had less than a 10% chance of survival. All I could do was cry and wonder what I did wrong. I sat with him night and day month after month in the nicu. Surgery after surgery. But, he was a fighter like mom and dad. With all the love and people by his side he pulled through. He came home March 1st 2007. He had a apnea monitor a feeding tube with pole attached that followed us everywhere nurses in and out of our home for the first year. It was HELL. But it made me tough and the mom I am today.

He made it out unscathed physically they call him the miracle baby still. The million dollar baby too, no joke. However, he suffers from ADHD and autistic features as well as bipolar. That's the tough part. Myself being bipolar 1 and ADD we're always clashing and fighting. He is very defiant, disrespectful, violent at times. But mostly to me. That's what I don't get. He is on an IEP in school and spends most of his time in special ed. He has no friends and zero social skills. It breaks my heart to pieces.

We've been to many doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, tried many medications, etc. It had made me have to check myself in mentally and emotionally. There is no such thing as being weak when you are your child's only advocate and they depend on you for everything and anything. It literally takes every fiber of my being to even get out of bed some days but I don't have a choice. The alternative is to fail my child like my mother failed me and that's not an option.

So, yeah. Some days are torture because he talks a million miles a minute and changes the subject many times through and I can't follow because I can't focus myself lol. Then I get angry and he says stuff like mom why are you mean again, or what is your problem. Check myself in again, sorry bud you know mom has some issues as well. We're both very short tempered as well. Boy that's fun. Oh, and did I mention that 17 months after he was born I had another boy while switching birth control!? And he's the polar opposite of me and Landen. Cool as a cucumber. 

To close, I would say choosing to be a parent was very hard. At times I feel beyond guilty about bringing him into such a scary shitty world. Then for him to have such a hard time from the jump and to have to deal with an emotionally unstable at times mom. But honestly I wouldn't change it. We balance each other out and when you throw my other son into the mix it's the perfect recipe for working through life's hard challenges and they teach me how to keep myself in control. Not to say there aren't days I'm in bed all day and crying my eyes out throwing shit at the walls lol but they love and accept me no matter what and that's what's special.???

*Sorry if I got off topic or was confusing when I get to writing it's off to the races for me lol. Love to all have a beautiful day!???

[amskray]

Stay off the mommy boards!!!  I am sure that many of those women have bigger problems than many of us do and they don't even know it.  

I have two kids. One biological and one adopted.  I had my biological child  when I was 40. We started trying at 35 and it took 5 years.  The first 3 months of pregnancy were hard. I was depressed.  Then hormones kicked in and I felt good which lasted until my child was 3 y. o.  I was completely stable!  Then I got depressed again.  Pregnancy affects everyone differently but for me it was great. 

I do not at all regret having kids!  It is the hardest thing I can imagine doing!  I have no family support but I  am fortunate enough to live in a country that supports families and I am using that support.  I also have some amazing friends that help me.  (As I write this, I am realizing how lucky I am. It isn't always possible for me to feel that.) 

I feel lots of guilt for being depressed and putting that burden on my kids. I feel guilty for bringing kids into this shitty world. I sometimes feel guilty for everything. I sometimes don't feel like I deserve to have kids.  I worry about screwing them up. On and on.... 

BUT,  it is an incredible experience and sometimes it is so overwhelmingly good that I can't even put it into words. 

 

[Lifesfcknpeachy]

27 minutes ago, amskray said:

Stay off the mommy boards!!!  I am sure that many of those women have bigger problems than many of us do and they don't even know it.  

I have two kids. One biological and one adopted.  I had my biological child  when I was 40. We started trying at 35 and it took 5 years.  The first 3 months of pregnancy were hard. I was depressed.  Then hormones kicked in and I felt good which lasted until my child was 3 y. o.  I was completely stable!  Then I got depressed again.  Pregnancy affects everyone differently but for me it was great. 

I do not at all regret having kids!  It is the hardest thing I can imagine doing!  I have no family support but I  am fortunate enough to live in a country that supports families and I am using that support.  I also have some amazing friends that help me.  (As I write this, I am realizing how lucky I am. It isn't always possible for me to feel that.) 

I feel lots of guilt for being depressed and putting that burden on my kids. I feel guilty for bringing kids into this shitty world. I sometimes feel guilty for everything. I sometimes don't feel like I deserve to have kids.  I worry about screwing them up. On and on.... 

BUT,  it is an incredible experience and sometimes it is so overwhelmingly good that I can't even put it into words. 

 

Are you saying that to me?! If so, I'm confused I don't understand! And what mommy boards? 

Btw, I second everything you said we think a lot alike!:)

[amskray]

That was meant for, Blahblah.  Sorry. 

[mellifluous]

On July 19, 2017 at 11:55 AM, Blahblah said:

1.) How many people here have decided to forgo having children because you have Mental Health issues? Are you glad that you stayed childless?

2.) If you DID have kids - do you regret your decision? Was it more (or less) challenging/upsetting/depressing than you expected?

3.) Does anyone here feel that having kids was the most fulfilling, meaningful choice in their life? Why?

1. i was on the fence right up until i learned i was sixteen weeks and a few days pregnant.

2. no. my daughter is the most important thing in the world to me. i never knew i could love a little curious, confident, loving, beautiful thing so much as she develops into a little person with her own ideas and, one day, dreams. i expected it to be challenging. it's only depressing because my ailment is chronic and never in full control.

3. yes and no. i don't want to discount the people and things in my life before her, but she's fucking incredible. i would do anything for her. i am terrified that i am unfit to be her mum. i'm going to try something, probably, and if it doesn't work, i simply won't be able to ethically justify subjecting her to my potential anymore. she gives me boundless joy daily, though. now that i have her, i would be beyond consolation if i lost her. 

[Blahblah]

@mellifluous thanks for your reply. It is really touching to hear so many people (that struggle with MI) are still able to feel so much joy, commitment and love for a child.

What have been the most difficult aspects of being a mom with MI? Were there certain times during the journey (I don't know how old your daughter is?) that were more challenging than others? Did you struggle with post-partum depression?

[mellifluous]

3 hours ago, Blahblah said:

@mellifluous thanks for your reply. It is really touching to hear so many people (that struggle with MI) are still able to feel so much joy, commitment and love for a child.

What have been the most difficult aspects of being a mom with MI? Were there certain times during the journey (I don't know how old your daughter is?) that were more challenging than others? Did you struggle with post-partum depression?

you're most welcome

so, easiest questions first: daughter is 2.5 years old (amazing!)

no postpartum depression, but i also don't have a mood disturbance diagnosis (SZ and OCD), so what i DID have was postpartum OCD that related to her. my intrusive thoughts turned to images of her broken and damaged in various ways. it was AWFUL. i ended up adding to my medications. i had it before her and i had a lot, i mean a LOT of prenatal anxiety. i would do the "kick counts" several times a day and panic when i couldn't do enough kicks that "counted" in my mind within the given timeframe. it was rough

the good news is that i was still able to fully bond with her quite strongly because my psychiatrist was on top of it. the bad news is that those images increase my suicidality. i have been hospitalized twice since she's been born, but that's due to the SZ and not the OCD.

the most difficult aspect of being a mum for me is that i live in terror that i'm a detriment to my daughter. i worry that my mental illness will affect her life even if she grows to have zero diagnoses of her own. it deeply disturbs me that the voices might turn against her. they're exactly "on my side" so ...i don't know. i have a history of self surgeries and other things and it worries me that she might find me one day.

more practical consideration of your question: i was fortunate to have a child born to sleep, but i was still sleep deprived at times. sleep deprivation and i aren't a good mix. that said, i have a wonderfully loving partner and having and caring for her was and is a joint effort. i don't know that i could do it singly. she also wasn't much of a wailer and she no colic...all of which worked in my favor. changing diapers sucks, but she's starting to toilet train and i think the standard things that parents go through....like, you think you have figured out a routine or even a food she likes and then two days later, bam! she won't adhere to routine and hates that favored food. you know, there are just the general considerations of having a child that are challenging.

you know what though? she says "i love you". she gives "smooches" and hugs...she loves to play outdoors and she loves to climb. she bonded with me very strongly and with my partner as well. she's confident and independent while still being really loving and affectionate. she's a great little girl and sometimes i think the fact that she's in a house without yelling and general tension, we don't employ physical or retributive punishment (i loved the book "unconditional parenting"), and she's not deprived of anything she *needs* and is deprived of having a million things she doesn't even need to know exist...i think maybe she ...as long as we can offer guidance and support, she's wired to be the person she's becoming. we just have to not fuck it up by imposing ourselves onto her so strongly that her own little self doesn't develop.

i hope that helps and i'm happy to answer any further questions you have. motherhood has been surprisingly where i found a sense of peace in this world i never thought i would.

xx melli

[sugarsugar]

In my 20s I was so messed up, no way did I want kids. In my 30s I did, and my husband said he did too, but wanted to wait. Believe me, I was messed up badly in my 30s too with no diagnosis or meds yet, and drinking. Finally I was somewhat better and ready, but my husband had changed his mind, and eventually left. That left me at age 40 making a decision. I decided I could barely cope alone, so opted to forgo kids. Do I regret it?  What I regret is not having kids in my early 30s when we both wanted them and I had support. I regret not having been stable and partnered in my 20s. But that wasn't my life and I didn't know I'd have regrets. I do think I wouldn't have been the best parent but I would have tried my best. I believe I made the wrong decision. But then, my brother is still supporting 2 very troubled kids near 30 and raising a grandchild, so it's not a sure thing it will work out. It's a tough decision but I know I regret mine most days. Remember most parents aren't perfect even without MI. 

[sStrangelove]

I have two children, ages 13 and 11. They are remarkable -- I cannot imagine my life without them. 

I was undiagnosed when I had them, and regret that terribly. Until two years ago I was highly symptomatic, and had no idea what was going on. I just thought I was a horrible mom. How I held it together until they were older, I have no idea. However, after two stints IP, being diagnosed and starting meds, I finally became the mom I had hoped I could be. 

That doesn't mean there aren't still episodes of instability. There are, and with them come feelings of guilt and ineptitude. 

Even if I had known I had an MI, I would still have had my children. I wanted them, and they have been my life's most precious blessing. 

One thing I would say: make sure your relationship with your partner is stable and healthy before having kids. My relationship with my husband was fine until I was pregnant and my symptoms became exacerbated. He became angry, and I became scared and resentful. The pressure of trying to maintain a struggling relationship on top of the inevitable stresses of parenting and struggling with Bipolar Disorder and GAD was almost unbearable at times. By knowing your diagnosis beforehand, and having a frank discussion of the realities of parenting, hopefully you can avoid that pitfall. 

I admire your ability to think ahead and address these difficult issues, Blahblah. 

[Odetta]

I had my kids at 31 and 34.  This was pre-diagnosis.  After the first, I was dx'd with PPD.  I was on celexa during my pregnancy with my second and was told he'd be fine.  When the kids were in preschool/K, I was diagnosed bipolar and started the meds I'm on now.  

My oldest is 16, with ASD and ADHD.  My youngest is 12, with ADHD, depression and anxiety.  Both have pdocs and are on meds, and currently doing well.  I wonder sometimes if they inherited these genes, or in the case of my youngest if the celexa has something to do with his struggles.  I try not to dwell, though, because it's not like I can go back and change things.

My kids bring me great joy, but also worry for their futures given their neurology and MI's.  Helping my youngest through suicidal ideation was one of the hardest things I've ever done - probably harder than when I went through it myself.  

[heilmania]

17 hours ago, Odetta said:

Helping my youngest through suicidal ideation was one of the hardest things I've ever done - probably harder than when I went through it myself.  

Wow, you are one tough mama! I bet it was majorly helpful for your child to talk to someone who actually knew what he or she was going through.

[MarmeeNoir]

I don't regret my daughter, but I feel bad for her having me as a mother 

[Ion]

I'm working on this same decision currently. I know that in my current state I wouldn't be able to do the work of parenting. My partner also has mental health issues, so if we're going to have kids we first both need to get an effective treatment plan worked out. I don't worry much about children being predisposed to mental health problems. There are plenty of good things in the gene pool, too, and I think our understanding of mental illness will be a good thing for any possible future children.

[Rabbit37]

In the interest of keeping this thread alive, saying I'll respond very soon. Life's just shit right now, can't think straight, nope, not kiddo related, but I'd like to share my experiences. I'll try to write something coherent. 

[Blahblah]

@Rabbit37 I'd love to hear your experiences/opinion. Of course all you hear are the stories of "neuro normal" folks tickled pink about having kids like it's the most meaningful event in their life, feeling so much love, no regrets...

I know it is "taboo" to talk about any regrets about having kids or even disclosing that you have a MI diagnosis and still went on to have kids. Many people blame all of the problems, homicides and violence on mental illness (or parents with mental illness) Everytime you hear about a school shooting, it's the "parent's fault" or the kids because he was taking psych meds, etc. There is no blame put on society's ills, social media bullying, easy access to guns...anyway, that is a whole other topic/discussion!

***One key question/worry I have (just devils advocate side): I'm afraid pregnancy, birth and raising a child trigger a really bad episode that will land me in the hospital. Will it be too much pressure and lack of sleep?? I have been stable/functioning for the last 5 years and I never want to slip down again if I can avoid it! I'm also a very independent person, loves to travel, I want a career and have hobbies...Will having a child make me LOSE MYSELF? Will i be stuck and have no time or energy for myself or my relationship? I worry about the life-long burdens of child dependency + chance of the child having health/mental issues.

Edited January 24, 2018 by Blahblah

[CrazyRedhead]

1 hour ago, Blahblah said:

***One key question/worry I have (just devils advocate side): I'm afraid pregnancy, birth and raising a child trigger a really bad episode that will land me in the hospital. Will it be too much pressure and lack of sleep?? I have been stable/functioning for the last 5 years and I never want to slip down again if I can avoid it! I'm also a very independent person, loves to travel, I want a career and have hobbies...Will having a child make me LOSE MYSELF? Will i be stuck and have no time or energy for myself or my relationship? I worry about the life-long burdens of child dependency + chance of the child having health/mental issues.

I will just put in my 2 cents for what it's worth........This is just my experience.....

I won't sugar coat it.........IMO, pregnancy is not easy to go through, by any means--it puts a strain on your body and your emotions due to the hormonal changes.....Some people are lucky and don't get bad morning sickness, but I did both times, and it lasted about 4 months.

Then there's the **fun** last trimester, when I personally felt like a beached whale both times, and had to pee every 2 hours...LOL.

There's really no way to predict if being pregnant will cause you to have a bad episode, but for me it didn't.....Being pregnant is rolling the dice, even for neuro-normal people.......You will have to really search your heart and see if you're willing to take that chance.......Perhaps your therapist might be able to help you with that aspect.

Good parenting definitely takes up a lot of time.....Having a child means it takes more planning and effort to make time for yourself and your hubby, but it can be done.....

Yes, you will be responsible for taking care of your child for at least 18 years, or maybe even a bit longer......I always still worry sometimes about my adult children.....

I read this quote one time and I think it describes parenthood perfectly:   "Having a child means that a piece of your heart will always be walking around outside of your body"........Too bad I can't remember the author of the quote.

I worried about my kids developing some form of MI, but guess what, both my son and daughter are "neuro-normal".

There are no guarantees in life, for any of us.....IMO, having a child is taking a chance,  even for typical folks....All I can tell you is, that I have no regrets at all about having my kids, and it took a lot of work....But for me, it was all worth it.

Edited January 24, 2018 by CrazyRedhead

[Rabbity9]

On 12/2/2017 at 6:07 PM, MarmeeNoir said:

I don't regret my daughter, but I feel bad for her having me as a mother 

I'm gonna say honestly that, in my experience, people that KNOW that they have mental health issues and address them are better parents than the many people I know with kids who have obvious mental health issues but don't realize it and say "I'm a great parent!" while projecting all their issues onto their kids.  The fact that you know you're "crazy" (enough to be on a forum called Crazyboards) and want to give your kid a better life makes you a better parent than many.  You're self-aware and you're trying, and that matters.

Edited January 25, 2018 by Rabbity9

[Ion]

On 1/24/2018 at 7:47 AM, Blahblah said:

I'm afraid pregnancy, birth and raising a child trigger a really bad episode that will land me in the hospital. Will it be too much pressure and lack of sleep?? I have been stable/functioning for the last 5 years and I never want to slip down again if I can avoid it!

This is one of my huge fears

On 1/25/2018 at 3:24 AM, Rabbity9 said:

I'm gonna say honestly that, in my experience, people that KNOW that they have mental health issues and address them are better parents than the many people I know with kids who have obvious mental health issues but don't realize it and say "I'm a great parent!" while projecting all their issues onto their kids.

I have friends who have mental health problems and are great parents. My parents also have health issues. With my mom it's chronic physical health issues that affect her in some of the same ways that my mental health affects me. My dad is of a generation that will never get diagnosed, but he definitely has alexithymia and may have ADHD as well. They are both amazing people and amazing parents.