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Suicidal thoughts getting worse TW


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I feel like the worst person alive. I yell at my kids. I can't stand to hear them play with their babies because their babies make really loud whiny noises, and then when they make their babies cry or protest it's 1000 times worse. The state of our home is declining more and more. I can't handle even being touched by my own bangs, so obviously cuddling and hugs stress me out. I let my kid go to bed with his glasses on last night, and he could have rolled on them and broken them. I got mad at my husband this morning for daring to suggest that I take a moment to calm down before continuing to look for T's glasses. I've done truly horrible things in my life. Things that a *lot* of people say should send a person to a special corner of hell. And they're right. My kid had an allergic reaction to something last night, and I couldn't give him Benadryl because all I had was pills, and he can't take pills. 

My family hates me (for good reason). I'm actively harming my husband and kids. I don't deserve to be alive, and I *do* deserve the hell that awaits me. 

I can't take steps to be safe. The local clinic's take is basically "just don't take the pills". Apparently, they won't admit you unless you actually attempt suicide. So, I just have to find internal strength (ha!). I'm weak. Can't afford it anyway. No insurance, and we make too much for the sliding fee. Hoo-fucking-ray. I just fucking love the health care industry in the US. Apparently being alive is not a right but a privilege. 

I'm rambling. If I shouldn't have posted this, I'm sorry. I don't even know what I'm doing. I can't get anything done. I've been working on my to-do list for about 2 hours.

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If you go to any ER, by law they must treat you in an emergency, even if you have no insurance..............A large, public hospital would be your best bet to get at least a 72 hour psychiatric stay.

 

Edited by CrazyRedhead
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6 minutes ago, Chantho said:

Last time I went to the ER in town, they called the clinic (they don't have a psych unit at the hospitals in town). The clinic had them send me home.

Go to the nearest large public hospital, then.....A large teaching hospital or state/federally-funded hospital MUST treat you....

The hospital you went to before in your town probably didn't admit you because they're a private hospital, and the clinic told them it wasn't an emergency.

Edited by CrazyRedhead
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The hospital could admit me, sure, but they don't have a psych department. At all. The nearest hospital with a psych department is an hour away. It's not a private hospital, either. They can treat me as much as they're able, but as they don't have the people on staff who can *truly* treat me, they can only call the clinic and let the clinic decide. If it's necessary, I'll go to that hospital (heaven help me, because it's *horrible*), but I'd rather avoid that since I've got two littles and would rather stay in town.

Also, I'm a patient at that clinic. I'm not in a big city. We have one hospital in town and one ER. Next town one way has a hospital... which is the same health system, and they don't have behavioral health services either. Then there's another clinic in another close town. No hospital in the other two directions. Going to the next town over is not going to work. I'm not trying to be difficult. It's just the way it is in this general area. 

Edited by Chantho
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**I'm sorry. There was no point in me posting. There aren't many options available to me, so there's not much anyone can do, so I'm just complaining, and no one needs to deal with my problems but me and my family. I apologize.

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Chantho, you're here so you can get peer support, which is a different kind of support you'll get from your family. It's not better or worse, but it's different, and you're always welcome to post here, and there are people here who care and understand what you're going through. Keep posting. Plus, people can choose to read or not. 

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I just don't know what to do. There's one hospital an hour east of here and one an hour west of here (in a pretty dangerous town, unfortunately). Then there's the clinic in town. I'm already a patient, so can I even go to a hospital in another town? I'm not sure if either of those hospitals is even state-funded. Having trouble finding out. I feel like maybe I should see someone at the clinic in crisis intervention this week. I'm not actively suicidal right at this moment, but in recent days, I've been having semi-active moments: writing a note, outlining plans for what to do in the case of my death, trying to decide the best time/method/etc. I don't want to tell my husband, but I think I'm not safe in a general over-arching kind of way. In the here and now, I am, but I'm also in a mixed episode, so I'm impulsive. If it happens, it's not going to be a days-long planning session probably. I just really don't want them to turn me away and just tell me to not do it. And I don't want my husband to be upset with/disappointed in me, and I don't want his parents to hate me because (once again) P's in the hospital. They've never expressed these feelings, but I wouldn't be surprised by them in the least. I think I'm going to keep trying to just get over it. That's pretty much all I can reasonably do.

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1 hour ago, Chantho said:

I just don't know what to do. There's one hospital an hour east of here and one an hour west of here (in a pretty dangerous town, unfortunately). Then there's the clinic in town. I'm already a patient, so can I even go to a hospital in another town? I'm not sure if either of those hospitals is even state-funded. Having trouble finding out. I feel like maybe I should see someone at the clinic in crisis intervention this week. I'm not actively suicidal right at this moment, but in recent days, I've been having semi-active moments: writing a note, outlining plans for what to do in the case of my death, trying to decide the best time/method/etc. I don't want to tell my husband, but I think I'm not safe in a general over-arching kind of way. In the here and now, I am, but I'm also in a mixed episode, so I'm impulsive. If it happens, it's not going to be a days-long planning session probably. I just really don't want them to turn me away and just tell me to not do it. And I don't want my husband to be upset with/disappointed in me, and I don't want his parents to hate me because (once again) P's in the hospital. They've never expressed these feelings, but I wouldn't be surprised by them in the least. I think I'm going to keep trying to just get over it. That's pretty much all I can reasonably do.

You're very  courageous for sharing with us. Keep sharing. Do whatever it is that you need to do to help yourself. If you need to go somewhere tonight, then do it. If you need to call 911 tonight, then do it. Call the clinic tomorrow morning if you can wait that long and find out about the crisis intervention you were talking about. Thank you for posting. Keep posting. We're here for you.

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I'm going to let my in-laws know what's going on (minus maybe the paranoid feelings that they'll have my kids taken from me). This may ruin our relationship. But, it's better than the alternative. Or, at least, that's what I'm telling myself. I know my kids won't want me dead (even if I feel like they should and would be better of if I were). Same with my husband. Where I stand, though, is that I don't see the point. I'm going to end up in this same situation over and over for the rest of my life. I'm going to suffer forever. I don't want that. I don't know if I can keep living like that. Even when I'm stable (for a week or two at a time), I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. And then there's what I'm putting my kids through: the instability, the isolation, the irritability, the home that's sometime perfectly clean and sometimes horribly squalorous. They deserve so much better. Anyway, I'm going to try anyway, because I guess what they suffer through is better than suffering through having a mother who committed suicide. Right? 

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Please know we're here to listen. And in an emergency you can go to another hospital whether state-owned or not. As said earlier by another poster, they can't turn you away - whether private or public. Think of if you were visiting another area or state and had an emergency  - of course you'd be helped at that area's ER.

I know it's beyond hard right now but it doesn't have to always be that way. Things can change for the positive. You need to feel better. Your kids need their mom and your husband his wife. 

If you keep feeling suicidal, having your husband drive you an hour is worth it. If you feel OK to wait until the clinic's open, their crisis intervention sounds like a good idea. And as another poster previously wrote, call 911 if you need to. You're worth it.

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Thanks. 

I've got care lined up for my boys starting tomorrow and, if need be, going through Saturday. I don't know if I'm going to the ER tonight or the clinic in the morning. Probably the former. As unimaginable as it feels, I'm actually worse now. I don't deserve all these loving people in my life. I wish I could make it all up to them, but I'll never be able to.

Is it stupid that part of me feels that the fact I want to be safe means I am safe, and I'm being stupid for seeking treatment? 

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I'm not so sure it's good. I'll be abandoning my kids. The more I end up in the hospital when I don't even appear sick, the more unsettled they will feel. The less loved and important. They aren't concerned with my health or anything. They just want me to always be there. They can't even cope with staying home with my husband long enough for me to get a haircut. T hates school because it means being away from me all day. A good mother would probably pull him out of school and either homeschool him of set him up with the online school. 

My mom hates me for this. All she cares about right now is the boys. No mention of how I was feeling. Just making sure I wasn't completely abandoning them. 

I need to just get through it on my own. I don't have the luxury of this. Some moms may be able to it, but my kids need me way more than most. 

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@Chantho, I understand about your feelings regarding your kids....Been there.

Your children might not totally understand right now if you have to go IP, but you being safe  is the most important thing, no matter how your mother feels about it.

How are you feeling today?

Have you decided on going to the hospital or the clinic?

Edited by CrazyRedhead
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I'm not positive I'll be able to let you all know. This clinic tends to be pretty restrictive. I'm not even certain they'll let me go out to the car to get my bag if they decide to admit me. And the last time I brought a bag with me into the hospital, the nurses laughed at me. True, these weren't psych nurses, but it is still a pretty valid concern considering the people at the front desk (with one exception) don't give two shits about the patients and have no problem being outright rude to/about them in front of everyone. I wish I could go to a better pdoc, but that would be more than twice as expensive. Also, since it's the only facility in town with inpatient, I'd be stuck going there anyway.

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Got home just a bit ago. It was about 95% therapeutic. There was this just... horrible woman. Made up stories that could potentially harm another patient's treatment. She dropped hints that she was abusive to her child while denying that she was abusive. She was *extremely* combative, down to going up to the obviously anxious and potentially paranoid patient and telling her that she was going to attack a staff member if said member "looked at her like that again". By the way, that patient was me. So, I spent the first day and a half, y'know, terrified of her. However, I learned quickly that she was mostly talk. A *lot* of talk. I did get a lot of reassurances and whatnot, though. It helped a lot. I'm probably going to go a little downhill by the end of the day, but as of now, I'm doing quite well. Thanks everyone for your concern and compassion.

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