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Insecurities from my past . Can't move on .

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Hi everyone , I've recently encountered crazyforums as a chance to get this weight off my chest and hopefully receive some advice . I'm a 16 year old male going through a phase of low self esteem and a negative mindset . In my life I've selected poor and stupid  choices that have come back to me at this age , since this year I've started to become aware of my past and who I used to be .  We all have regrets in life , but it seems I can't move on from mine .. I apologize if this is long . 

1st regret . Behavior in childhood - When I was 7 I was involved in sexual experimentation /exploration but this behavior seemed exotic for a child based on how I see it as a teenager . I met this girl in 1st grade that had a crush on me but we were only friends . We would chase each other around the playground , sit at the same group of desks together , and her mom would babysit me . This happened in school .. I viewed porn at 7 since I had this curiosity of the female body . But in school I had this impulse of viewing the female body beneath the clothing , I told her to lower her pants which led to me touching her privates . There was no force nor penetration involved and she didn't seem uncomfortable , this only lasted for a minute . But went on for some of the school year and sometimes I would sneak my hand in her pants and get touchy but I remember saying she would tell her mom sometimes . She would want me in front of her line where I got touchy as well , she would pat me on the head before getting off the bus , and she seemed happy when her mom would babysit me . This went on for some of the school year but stopped , I saw her again  3rd grade and she remembered me but we were in different classes and seats on the bus . Our friendship still seemed intact since she and her friend would joke around me but I wish I apologized to her for my behavior .

This occured again when I was 7 . I was babysat by moms friend where I became friends with her son but I never interacted with the little sister . She was 2 . One day I was looking at the brothers toys and then she  came in .. I had this impulse to scoot towards her and lowered the diaper and touched her privates . I stopped after a few seconds and placed her diaper back on , there was no penetration or force involved in this either . I did this again the same day but mother saw me and told me not to touch her like that . She didn't seem mad at my behavior but  I snapped back into my senses and told myself .. What did I just do . After that I never did something like this .  My porn addiction. At first I thought this was uncommon but I started to search into this topic more . I also searched up about this topic on YouTube and it made me feel relief that I wasn't alone .. But I still struggle with this , only that I didn't watch it much as I used to . I first viewed porn when I was 7 . Since I was a kid continued watching it but it stopped after some time . However when I was 13 I began playing porn games , I know its bizzare but I played it because I had that urge of visiting a porn site but a porn game satisfied it however I didn't get pleasure out of this . This went on for some time as well but eventually stopped but the addiction begins at 14 where I started watching porn again during the summer . I did have friends and before this age I was very active in playing outside , my friends still lived in my apartments so it gave me a reason to go outside but most of them moved and it was rather empty in my apartments , so I stopped going and became a indoor person . At 14 I also began masturbating but after that experience , my addiction to masturbating and porn began . This went on for the summer but I still went outside and hanged out with my parents . But this addiction started to take a toll on me , my laptop stopped working but I got my phone in 9th grade and once again my porn habits returned . It took a toll on me , it changed me .. It made me negative , irritable , intolerable , and short tempered . I regret this addiction because it made me complain and be lazy about going to the gym with my mom and become insecure about myself around my friends . I used to watch it 2 , 3 , or 4 times a day and masturbate about 3 times . This occured everyday too but now that I've realized this .. I'm trying my best to control this and quit . . 

I know all of this could make me look like  scumbag or a sex addict . It makes me feel ashamed and give a negative mindset about myself .. I despise and dislike myself for all of this . I was never athletic and I don't think I've ever done anything productive in my life... I just want to start my life over , not a new beginning . I can't seem to move on from  past with thèse regrets preventing me from improving myself.

Edited by WeightOnMyShoulders
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Wow ...seems like you needed to get that out. Good for you for being brave. It sounds like u WANT to get better even if you can't right now. That's step one, your acknowledging the issue. The next step is getting some really good help to open up in person. Your not necessarily a sex addict because of your behavior. I can't diagnose of course, but some of that seems natural. As per my sexuality education for a psych major, experimentation at young ages is really not unheard of. Kids that age can actually have orgasm, and kids have been known to touch themselves inappropriately, so maybe that extends to others. As for masturbating 3 times a day, that could just be a case of raging hormones and horny-ness. I kno kids who bragged about masturbation at the age of 11, and have heard from parents about finding "messes" that are not inconsistent with a three a day habit. It sounds like you need help, but also some reassurance. A therapist that you can trust is soooo important to me, so I can share sexual stuff. When I was your age I did some sketchy stuff while I was manic and I finally found someone to talk to about it. I hope sharing that helped u a little and I hope u continue to seek help

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  • 1 month later...

Please don't keep beating yourself up about this, WeightOnMyShoulders (great name btw...says so much).  You could not ever have been expected to be in control of such strong, overpowering urges like these.  You were most likely exposed to sex at a very early age in some fashion, whether you remember it or not.  This probably happened to me and many, many others as well.  I have flashes of memories of odd sexual situations from a very early age that I cannot explain but I know are real.  I can't be responsible for those memories as I had no control over those situations.

You also got some positive feedback from the first girl and possibly others which only encouraged your behavior.  It's only natural for kids to play games and without being taught correct sexual boundaries, things are bound to happen. 

What happened happened.  It's time to let go and let yourself be human.  There are literally hundreds of things we all would like to take back, sexual or not, from our childhoods but we simply cannot.  Please allow yourself to be just like every other human and forgive yourself for these things which you had no control whatsoever over.

I think you should take great solace in the fact that you are regretful now of those actions.  It means you have great morals and know what it right and what is wrong.  That is something to take great pride in.  Not everyone is like that, trust me.  You sound like a good, kind person and you are not alone in feeling like you do. 

Please find it in your heart to forgive yourself.  You deserve it.


Edited by Distorted Me
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