Because of my depression, I like many people, have pitifully low self esteem.
Ever since Iast year I been having a tendency to daydream of having a better life and various other powerfantasies I make up. When daydreaming my self esteem skyrockets and I feel good. But I kinda resent it because I hate vanity and I'm worried that having super high self esteem will make me arrogant and vain and grandiose. I also begin to kinda lose touch with reality and think that I'm above the rules and stuff like that. I'm worried about becoming egotistic.
I had a debate about this 2 days ago with my therapist and she said that the daydreams aren't bad because it's better than having extremely low self esteem(paraphrased). I disagreed.
So with all this in mind, is it an adaptive or maladaptive coping mechanism?
My mood has been absolutely deplorable for the past month or so. I honestly don't know how to begin to describe how bad it is. I have a lot of the "negative" symptoms, a profound deficit of positive affect. Nothing in life gives me pleasure, suicidal thoughts begin to surface, and I sometimes descend further into psychotic depression. These are my depressive episodes. I don't know how else to paint the picture more thoroughly because I never know what to say, and it really bothers me when I'm like that when I'm around my boyfriend. I want to talk, but I can never think of anything to say, so I rely on him to start conversations.
I don't get it... Dopamine has been posited to be a central neurotransmitter in the pathenogenesis of anhedonia, and I'm on multiple meds that supposedly on their own and in combinations with other meds I'm taking can treat anhedonia. What am I missing??
I'm on Dexedrine up to 60 mg as needed, Vyvanse 50 mg, Wellbutrin 200 mg, Viibryd 40 mg (increases dopamine via postsynaptic 5-HT1A receptor stimulation), Vraylar 3 mg... What else could possibly help?
There's no relief in sight when I'm like this.
So I joined this forum to talk about my various mental health issues and try to find a solution or two with people who can relate. I been diagnosed with autism, clinical depression, and oppositional defiant disorder at various points in my life and I'm currently 16 years old at the time of this writing. I hope to have a great time with you guys.
How do you distinguish between the Obsessive thoughts/ruminations that are due to depression and the "pure obsessive" type thoughts that are considered OCD?
I know that you don't have to be compulsive to have an OCD diagnosis (I think) but more & more I see my obsessive, negative ruminations taking over and I wonder if this means I have both OCD and Depression? My brain just gets stuck on a track loop....any sad trigger and I start having related obsessive thought patterns and I cannot escape the resulting mood/emotion that comes with it.
I was on Olanzapine for about one year and during that time I did excessive spending which may have caused lowering impulse control and consequently am now in bankruptcy.
Have been off Olanzapine since December, 2018.
In March went on Seroquel and experienced manic situations, where I was out of control (never had this happen to me before). I became excessively hostile towards a clerk in Walgreens, reduced my veterinarian to tears and alienated alot of my neighbors by my raging. We upped the Seroquel thinking I was having my first manic episode, it only made everything worse. Since coming off of Seroquel in last two weeks, I am now calm and the urge to act out aggressively is gone and I am mortally embarrassed about my behaviors.
New psych doc now, former one retired. Started Reluxti two days ago at .5 mg. First day experienced some brain zaps and thinking it might have been due to the mixing of recently going off of Seroquel and introducing Reluxti. Today, no brain zaps. Taking Benadryl to help with insomnia as Rexulti may become stimulating.
I know this is a very expensive drug and being on Medicare I do not qualify for any of the manufacturer's savings plans. My new psych doc believes he can keep me on his extra supplies forever or until they go generic. I am worried about being on this drug and loosing him as a psychiatrist and ending up with a co-pay of $400.00 a month and ending up in the Medicare Donut-hole very quickly. The trial pack he gave me has a 14 day supply.
I recently did a gene study thru GenOMind. I am an ultra-rapid metabolizer and subject to many skin issues. When I first saw him, he became very frustrated with me and didn't believe me that I can't tolerate most of the behavioral meds out there but once he got the gene study, he then understood. The only drug he would suggest is Rexulti.
I am in a quandary as to what to do about going on this very expensive medication with no way of paying for this and getting stuck on this drug should I loose my new psych doc and his many samples.