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it has been almost a week since i mad an utter fool of myself during a meeting.  i have been feeling somewhat aimless and depressed, and last week was particularly difficult because of a couple of stressors -- and i knew i was feeling emotional so i took some 'preventative' klonopin far enough in advance to help me relax.  i forgot, though, that klonopin is helpful for my anxiety.  for out of control weeping and all-around babyish behavior?  unhelpful.  in fact possibly a contributor.  because for about an hour i was reduced to a bawling mess.  i hardly remember it.  every now and then i remember something i said and i'm just thinking, omg, this is awful, and how embarrassed i am.  for instance i have no clue what was being said but basically in regards to my anxiety i tried to explain to her why i think of it as a 'good thing'.  wtf?  yeah i remember saying it's a good thing because it helps me to be prepared and i can be ready for whatever happens.  and she just looked at me like i was stupid.  because i'm sure i sounded stupid.

now i am kind of ruminating about the whole thing.  not just that i was acting that way, but because i really don't remember everything i said.  it's like being drunk then only remembering bits and pieces later.  i don't know if it was because i was so emotional or because i was on klonopin or a mix of both.  i am not sure if i should call and apologize or what i should do.  i already have a bit of a reputation with this person so it's nothing new.  but i can't stop worrying about it.  and it's not something where i can call up and say well i was feeling really depressed.  so i want to think of some really good excuse which i know is wrong but it'd be much better than the lame truth.

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hm.  PMS may be a good excuse. 

as for the klonopin... it sounds like you may be on too high a dose?

and weepies... yeah, it made me super weepy.  maybe you should switch benzos?  i switched to xanax xr, but others like ativan, etc.  i know that i sobbed on klonopin about 1/2 the time for no reason, but on xanax xr i don't.  ( i was too scared of reg xanax to ever try it, but somehow my doc thinks the xr formula of xanax has less addicition potential than the regular xanax?  i dunno, but i haven't ramped up usage so perhaps he's right?)  regardless of that babble, you may want to switch benzos?

but yeah, something "normal" like PMS is always a good fall back.  or "low blood sugar" something.  and don't kill yourself about it.  NO ONE is "normal"  she may think how you acted was odd... but i' sure she's done something emotional in her life too, even if she's "normal" you know?

take care. 

penny

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I think he's a man????...therefore PMT wouldn't do it....

being over stressed and having too much on your mind could be a possibility? its true, without having to give the whole picture, and you can say you are working on dealing with it, which is true.

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Klonopin makes me weepy, too.

Sometimes the best way to recover from an incident like your meeting is to consign the embarassment to the past and from this point forward actively demonstrate your ability to be in control of your emotions. 

Apologizing and/or explaining your behavior may make things worse, or make the incident more memorable to others.

Everyone on the planet has a flip-out day now and then, male or female, pms or no pms.  It happens to all of us from time to time.  If you don't make a big deal out of it after the event, the other folks will just assign it to the "wow he was really having a bad day" status in their mind.

The most important thing, though, is not to cause yourself additional stress by re-living (or trying to remember).

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i am not sure if i should call and apologize or what i should do.  i already have a bit of a reputation with this person so it's nothing new.  but i can't stop worrying about it.  and it's not something where i can call up and say well i was feeling really depressed.  so i want to think of some really good excuse which i know is wrong but it'd be much better than the lame truth.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I don't think it's ever necessary to apologize for tears, etc. If you feel a need to save face, "I've been going through a rough time," seems sufficient. And if you've said this to this person before, "I'm still going through a rough time," is enough.

If it's someone you trust, you don't have to say anything or much, and if you don't trust them, then perhaps you shouldn't be talking to them. Just throwing thoughts out there.

Making excuses denies self. IMO, further exacerbating the underlying notion that you're NOT OK.

It's okay to be not okay. You're dealing with it. It's people who don't deal that can get on one's nerves after awhile. Most people--by no means all--have more compassion than we give them credit for, but I only find this out for sure when I'm honest about where I'm at. And if they don't get "it"? They don't get ME. So maybe they aren't good for me?

FWIW. S9

I think regular meltdowns are more normal than stuffing feelings and pretending stoicism that doesn't exist internally.

"To know self, is to love self." -- Meshelle N'degeochello

S9

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i'm not a man lol.  i'll comment more later but that couldn't wait ;)

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Sometimes it is hard to tell, but I thought too you were of the XX group. At least you got a chuckle, maybe that was Nestling's plot all along...she is a sharp little cookie!

Hugs,

S9

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When I was DXed but before I had meds, I used to flip out in school (grade-high school) all the time. With the slightest provocation I was in tears or screaming, depending on my cycle. They knew I was crazy just not what flavor of crazy.

I think that if you have to explain it to anyone, you could say that you were emotional because you had a lot going on in your life and THEN (if you're talking to another lady and you're cozy with her) hint about hormones. But don't go into the room and announce "I have HORMONE issues!!!"

We all have meltdowns. When I had meltdowns at school I just did it with no fear, because kids picked on me and teachers were afraid of me anyway.

No need to be afraid, everyone feels strongly at some time. Just try to not do it again. If your boss asks, say you're fine, just having a rough week and hormone issues to boot. I liked to claim yeast infections that hurt very badly when I was in college, but I would N OT recommend it to anyone else. lol  ;)

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i am having another rotten day so i don't think addressing it would be a possibility even if i went that route.  i have a problem with letting things go and feeling misunderstood -- but i think maybe i don't understand myself and i want people to have the same 'idea' i have whether or not it's reality. 

aside from all this i just feel like i am really being punished and i know it's just random and coincidental, rather than some big plan or conspiracy, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.  things are to a point where i feel i'm about to ruin everything and i don't feel like i'm very in control. 

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*comes back*

sounds to me like you really need validation and allowing to be yourself...

not feeling in control is a difficult place to be, especially when control is learnt as a protective mechanism..not sure if that's how it is for you?

what do you feel you are being punished for? what is the punishment, as you see it?

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i don't know exactly what i'm being punished for- maybe for being ungrateful.  sometimes i feel pretty worthless and unhappy, but then something happens to make me realize i was taking things for granted - and that NOW i'm worthless and unhappy  (ha-ha-ha).

things matter too much to me.  consistency matters too much.  reasoning matters too much.  i need to know WHY, and if it doesn't make sense, i can't deal with it.  and i don't know why things can't work out, every now and then.  and why, when things are so bad, do they have to get worse.

i feel like everything that matters to me is slowly slipping away and that if i scramble too much to try and hold on then i'm just going to lose more.  and that is a lack of control, i can hardly stand!  and i really do want to hurt myself, because it seems like the only way to control something and would be in place of trying to control the situation with all this desperate energy.  the more i think about it the dumber it sounds. 

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ungrateful for what, exactly?

were you ever told as a child, "Have that and be thankful"? and would accept it even though it wasn't half of what you wanted or needed....and the sense of loss festered in your spirit? I may be totally on the wrong track here.....

I also need consistency and need to know why, what the root of things is....that can be a powerful tool in healing, used carefully.

I sense you have a big struggle with control.....and fear loss of it.....me too....sometimes though it can be therapeutic to allow it to safely relax....

Do you have any idea of where this need to be in control began for you?

and, you're not dumb, rather, trying to survive the best you can with the ways you've learnt so far.

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need to control-- probably began in childhood.  i was like, my mom's best friend.  i was her advisor.  so i had control, or at least a SENSE of control, at a pretty young age.  my mom is a mess and has been all my life, and as emotional as i've been all my life, i can deal with almost anything given that i'm prepared.  and i learned how to get some of what i wanted/needed from her, sometimes i used it to my advantage, sometimes she made me think i had and i paid for it by being forever required to be her dear, loyal friend.  (the good ol mom issues).

i know there is something wrong with me, because rather than be satisfied with the people i have in my life, i want something different.  maybe it's because a lot of them do have serious problems that i'm not equipped to handle, but maybe it's just because i can't see the good more than the bad, maybe i've just turned into a judgmental hypocrite.  i can't figure it out, which it is.  i would like to be around 'healthy' people, or at least 'healthier', but instead i just shut everyone out of my life and then, i'm alone.  there are few people i want to know, and when those people are in my life it becomes like an obsession to me.  i never have a real relationship with them because they are "above" me as i see it and it's mostly just about exposure-  exposing myself to them as much as i can.  it helps to feel not so alone, i guess.  but it's wrong and stupid, and it's not enough.

so.  i am crazy i guess.

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I also forgot to mention that one reason i want to talk to the person i had a meltdown with is that i really do not remember all that i said to her and i am worried what if i said something that will come back and haunt me?  like, i just want to be ready.  but i can't think of a way to ask, um, did i say anythign disturbing?  lol.  i remember at one point she talked about how she isn't my therapist.  yikes.  but i can't for the life of me think of what we were talking about at that time.  sigh.  anyway, not sure how to deal with it.  i hate that i don't remember.  ;)

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I've looked under

the bed,

yep,

found a

conspiracy

under there.

Left it to

get bigger.

When I take too much

Klonopin

I get weepy,

sobbed all the way

through

Full Metal Jacket once.

Still,when

I need to bomb

panic

or big anxieties

lots of Special K

so what,

if I freak the normies out.

Stasis

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