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No, .id, you're not alone. I know how it feels. 

Sometimes for me suicidal thoughts are like the refrigerator droning in the background: always there, just more noticeable at some moments than at others. It's a hard way to live. It hurts. It's exhausting. If you try to tell people about it, they freak out. Doctors try to help by throwing meds at you, but it can take ages for that to work, and then there's side effects. 

I always remind myself that I've been better before and I'll be better again.

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Medication CAN genuinely help, though. My suicidal thoughts have gotten much better while on medication, in the sense that they're more of just a thought that pops into my head than something I really want to act on. And they pop up a lot less often. For me, they're often a reaction to feeling overwhelmed. 

If you keep having these thoughts, you need to address it, though. Discuss it with your therapist or psychiatrist, see if a medication adjustment helps. 

 

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When I first had suicidal thoughts it freaked me out and I would ruminate on those thoughts asking how I could get rid of the thoughts or act on them. I now consider myself no longer depressed, but I still get suicidal thoughts and sometimes self harm thoughts, and like Bubble, often in reaction to feeling overwhelmed, usually a few times a day. They no longer upset me or seem significant. I just have the thought and then carry on. It is kind of like noticing the sound of cars going by, not hard to ignore unless I stop everything and concentrate on it. And I don't. I just keep on doing what I am doing.

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