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For some reason, despite having been depressed for a week, I'm feeling elevated, and it may be just a blip, but it's bothering me.

Anyway, I was just "standing" there, and I got a bizarre urge to jump out our second story window. Then I thought that wouldn't be enough and wanted to jump off the roof. I wasn't wanting to die. It was like I believed I'd not hurt myself at all. The thought half-passed and became just a slight background noise thing. Then I suddenly realized what I had been thinking. I know that's a thing with bipolar disorder, but I've never experienced it. I've had bipolar symptoms for at least 10 years and depression/anxiety for ~18 years until my first hypo signs. Am I getting worse? I thought it only got worse if you were unmedicated. 

*sigh* I'm worried. Like, seriously.

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I have experienced something somewhat similar once or twice with blades.

One time I was going to make a sandwich and opened the drawer to get a butter knife and saw a giant butcher knife there and my mind just kind of hinted that I should attempt to disembowel myself. Just, you know, like WTF? I wasn't depressed though, that I can remember. At least not majorly depressed if I was depressed at all. I threw the knife back in the drawer and ran to my bedroom to distance myself from the it.

Another time it was with another sharp, bladed object (a knife or sharp scissors or something) when I got the thought that I should just jam it in me. This second one I may have been beginning to go a little up because as the thought crossed my mind I started laughing hysterically. As soon as I realized what was happening I threw the object across the room.

Luckily both times I came to my senses before I did anything. I didn't believe I would not be able to hurt myself though; they were random "suicidal thoughts" that popped into my head one moment and were gone the next it seemed. For me it came from a generic apathy or something, if I remember correctly. It was a long time ago. It was basically, "there's nothing stopping me, so why not?" I cannot answer your question as to whether or not you are getting worse, all I can say is weird, scary shit like that happens sometimes and, as you know, it's no fun. I hope you feel better and these intrusive thoughts leave you alone.

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I know I should heilmania, but I'm a little afraid I'll end up back in IP. That would be horrible. I doubt I'm unsafe. But I know it sounds like I am, and I'm not sure how they would take it. I do see a pdoc on Wednesday. Not mine, but one they set me up with for my follow-up post-IP. Yippy. I mean, I've had these random urges before, but I've been scared of them. This one I wasn't scared of until I really became aware where my thoughts were. I mean, there was a low-level awareness, since I remember them, but it was decreased I guess. Would that really be considered dissociative? I honestly don't know. I always thought of dissociation as either losing awareness or out of body experiences and feeling the world was suddenly somehow alien (I experience the latter two regularly).

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5 hours ago, Chantho said:

I know I should heilmania, but I'm a little afraid I'll end up back in IP. That would be horrible. I doubt I'm unsafe. But I know it sounds like I am, and I'm not sure how they would take it. I do see a pdoc on Wednesday. Not mine, but one they set me up with for my follow-up post-IP. Yippy. I mean, I've had these random urges before, but I've been scared of them. This one I wasn't scared of until I really became aware where my thoughts were. I mean, there was a low-level awareness, since I remember them, but it was decreased I guess. Would that really be considered dissociative? I honestly don't know. I always thought of dissociation as either losing awareness or out of body experiences and feeling the world was suddenly somehow alien (I experience the latter two regularly).

I've had some weird dissociative experiences, and I continue to. I depersonalized once, thinking for over an hour that I was stuck in something strange (my body), couldn't understand what I was, but somehow managed to catch my bus and make it home. I didn't feel the single-digit weather at all. I couldn't say a word to my husband for a good half hour after getting home. 

I also regularly experience my hands looking far away/not like mine, people's faces shrinking and growing and contorting when I talk with them or look at them for too long, and some other things I'm not thinking of. 

My point is, my docs have told me for years that anxiety/stress can cause dissociative symptoms, and everything I've listed falls into that category of depersonalization/derealization/dissociation. The fact that you were thinking these things without realizing it for a while is a bit scary, as it feels like derealization to me, and if you're unaware of your subconscious, couldn't you end up hurting yourself when it becomes stronger than your consciousness?

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Admittedly, that is my worry. If something like that happens again today or tomorrow, I'll tell the pdoc when I see him/her Wednesday. It may have been a one-off thing. Man, I hope so. I don't even know how they'd handle that. I'm on BuSpar, which helps with the anxiety that usually causes derealization/depersonalization for me, but I wasn't feeling remotely anxious. I was feeling up, though. I started my PRN last night. That usually keeps it from getting worse. If that's even where I'm going. It could've been a blip. I'm not feeling out of control right now. Sometimes I just have random up days.  

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13 minutes ago, Chantho said:

Admittedly, that is my worry. If something like that happens again today or tomorrow, I'll tell the pdoc when I see him/her Wednesday. It may have been a one-off thing. Man, I hope so. I don't even know how they'd handle that. I'm on BuSpar, which helps with the anxiety that usually causes derealization/depersonalization for me, but I wasn't feeling remotely anxious. I was feeling up, though. I started my PRN last night. That usually keeps it from getting worse. If that's even where I'm going. It could've been a blip. I'm not feeling out of control right now. Sometimes I just have random up days.  

I think it's something to bring up whether it happens again before seeing the doc or not. If it does keep happening, they'll have a solid history of when it started/what was going on when it started.

I don't feel anxious when I derealize/depersonalize, either. It just happens. l don't really get how it's tied to anxiety for me, but that's what they tell me.

And yeah, "random up days" sounds pretty spot-on for Bipolar. ;) Reminds me of my good friend with Bipolar- "heilmania, I'm having the MOST PRODUCTIVE DAY. I feel like I'm so much more creative than I was yesterday, and I don't know whyyyyy..." "Buddy, sounds like your Bipolar talking to me." "Oh. Yeah. You're right." LOL

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So, today is my pdoc appointment. I'm incredibly nervous. I know I should mention this, but I'm afraid they'll decide I'm a danger to myself/others. I'm not sure I'm not. I don't think I'll act on these urges, but if I'm only half-aware when they happen, what if I become completely aware? There are so many reasons I can't go IP. My son's birthday is coming up. I was just in the hospital, and we're self-pay with no discounts on the sliding fee scale. Hubs would have to miss work, because his parents are out of town, and they're the only one who can take the boys. My husband thinks I'm putting the cart before the horse worrying about this, but I'm honestly not sure. Any thoughts?

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I have had bizarre thoughts that I shared with my dr.  For example - thinking about sticking my arm in the washing machine while it's going or sticking my dog's paw down the garbage disposal while it is turned on.  I didn't have the urge to do it, just the thought.  I know it isn't a rational thought and I'm fully aware of the consequences if I did those things and that makes me not do them.  These thoughts are just part of my bipolar and after allowing the doctor to evaluate me, they concluded that I wasn't a threat to myself or others.  If your doctor isn't aware of what is going on, they can't treat you properly or help you put safeguards in place to prevent thoughts turning into actions.  I would be honest with them and tell them you had the urge, but not the intention (according to your post). 

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I disclosed. I had a really hard time explaining what happened. For some reason I couldn't organize my thoughts. I'd start, and then I'd get derailed. I think she actually just got pissed and gave up.

On another unrelated note, I saw my roommate from the hospital and another woman who was there at the same time as me. I pretended not to notice my roommate because I didn't like her one bit. The other woman just didn't look good. She actually looked completely miserable. I hope she's okay.

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