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I've only been on CrazyBoards for a few days, so I'm sorry if I'm making any serious faux pas here but I kind of just want to rant to some hopefully sympathetic ears.

I wasn't entirely sure which forum to post this in because I could reasonably post in about half of the available options. I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, yes, but I've also got a chronic illness with a side of chronic pain, a dash of substance abuse, a handful of child abuse, and some dabbling in both self-injury and theft for good measure.

I'm a miserable human being. My life is fucked up, and I do fucked up things, and I'm not entirely convinced the two are related, but for my own sanity, I'm going to pretend they are. I can't bring myself to do anything anymore. I spend entirely too much time in my bed, knowing that there are things that I need to do but unable to bring myself to actually do any of them. I'm two and a half weeks behind in school (and I'm only taking one, super easy, online class) and that's actually pretty good for me seeing how I've failed the last six classes I've taken because I never fucking do anything. Little things like school aside, my room's a mess and I only have approximately two frozen dinners and a value pack of ramen in my kitchen because I struggle to feed myself. I never have an appetite but when I do eat, I binge because I can't be normal. I also don't have any money because I am awful at managing the little income I have because I can't hold a steady job in the state I'm in. Oh, I also only shower every few days because why the hell would it matter?

In addition to my incompetence at normal life, I'm dealing with chronic pain. I don't know what it is about me that encourages pain to seek me out but it does. I have Crohn's disease, which is a chronic illness that fucks up my intestines and is to blame for the two ugly scars on my stomach and the pain that shows up on nearly a daily basis. I take biweekly (as in, every two weeks) painful injections to prevent major flare ups but pain and nausea are still constant companions. My doctor gave me some anti-nausea meds but he seems largely unimpressed with my complaints of pain. I guess I have narcotic-abusers to thank for that. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand the appeal. I've taken some recreationally before, and they're great (saved what I got after my wisdom-tooth extraction). But I'm not fool enough to abuse meds I need for real pain. I don't need full-blown narcotics. Just something stronger than OTC tylenol (and I actually can't have aspirin or ibuprofen because it aggravates my condition). Not being able to take anti-inflammatories also adds to the fun because I get hurt more than the average person. Right now, I'm in pain because I've minorly sprained my hand but I can't take anything for it without taking something that'll fuck up my stomach. My PCP won't prescribe anything for it. I'm assuming because "I literally cannot take ibuprofen if I don't want to end up in the ER this weekend" sounds like a flimsy excuse to get my hands on pain meds. And people wonder why I'm pro-decriminalization. Of course, this all makes me torn between wallowing in self-pity and feeling guilty, because I know that there's plenty of people who have it worse and I really am privileged in a whole lot of ways. But life just sucks too much sometimes for me to remember to be grateful.

To handle all this, I've used narcotics (as mentioned) but I really just used but a supply I got for my wisdom teeth extraction and my sister's supply because neither of us really needed them at the time so I saved both. I've been prescribed others after ER visits but I only use those for actual pain because I don't want to waste my supply for fun when I know I'll need it for real later. I've avoided self-medicating with alcohol because I've no intention of becoming an alcoholic on top of everything else. I also cut when I was in high school but I haven't, beyond a few occasions, much in the past few years because there's more people in my life that would notice now (namely my boyfriend and my roommate). Also because my mom could kind of be a bitch and now that I don't live with her, I have less instances of being overwhelmed with emotion that I need a fast reprieve from. Now I'm mostly just numbly struggling through basic life. Fun stuff, I know.

I try to keep up appearances because I don't want people to worry, and I'm just so ashamed at how pathetically I'm handling life. My parents think I have a job and I'm doing well in classes (they think I'm actually attending classes instead of just taking an online class). My boyfriend knows a little more, but I lie to him about how I spend my days because he just got a job, a real career job, and I don't want him worried about me. And I don't want to scare him off. He asked me this weekend if I wanted to start looking at rings and I was so excited but then I came back and looked at my mess of an apartment and realized how terrible I'd be as a wife. And to top it all off, I did something absolutely awful. Completely terrible. I stole from him. I hate myself. I had no money in the bank. None. And I won't be getting any until next week. I needed to buy medication, and I can't call my dad for help because he's offline for the next week (he works for the DoD and occasionally has to do that for reasons). Because I was too ashamed to straight up ask for a loan (I have a hard enough time asking Dad for help when I'm desperate), I took a twenty from him wallet. I hate myself and I can't even slip it back in because I used it to buy the prescriptions. I need to tell him but I'm a coward.

For anyone who stuck around to read my rant, thanks. I know it's a mess and I won't blame you if you think I'm an awful person. Don't worry, I know I am. Still, I appreciate a sympathetic ear. Feel free to share about your own shitty life and maybe help me and others feel like we're not alone. I hope this post did that for at least someone. I'm also open to advice, if any veterans of these kinds of things have any to offer.

Again, thanks for reading. At the very least, it helps to have this off my chest. 

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Well laying in bed feels good at times, but it will also make you feel worse in the long run.

I've gone through a little bit of that lately.  I've had some depression back, when I haven't had for years.

It'd be a good idea to go see a doctor though if you're in this much trouble.

I wouldnt have believed it, but there are medications that will help you keep the wheels turning in life and let you coast along.

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