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What was your onset of negative symptoms like? 

For me it started with being unable to read and concentrate. I also started to isolate more and speak less. Then I had an awful episode with suicidal thoughts. 

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On 8/2/2017 at 3:03 PM, aura said:

What was your onset of negative symptoms like? 

For me it started with being unable to read and concentrate. I also started to isolate more and speak less. Then I had an awful episode with suicidal thoughts. 

Do negative symptoms include suicidal thoughts? I can't find any info about this anywhere. I'd like to read more about this. I always attributed suicidal thoughts to mood symptoms. 

To answer your question though, I stopped showering and brushing my teeth regularly. I don't talk much to anyone at all about anything anymore. I don't have many thoughts. My mind is blank. I have no friends and I isolate. I can't even watch a half hour TV show; my concentration stinks. I don't care about much. I just have no motivation to do much of anything. 

I think those are the bulk of the negative symptoms I experience. It's hard. Especially the motivation piece. I waste my life. I wish I were motivated to try work or finish school if I were well enough.

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I honestly have hygiene issues, too. I figure my lack of concentration is just my ADD, which I've had since childhood. I first started hearing voices at age 25, three months before my wedding. The hygiene issues started before that, though, just from depression.

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Personally, my onset was layers of positive symptoms that introduced themselves as individual stressors conspired to send me reeling. 

I reached the age where my genetic predisposition blossomed into thoughts, feelings, and impulses that I could no longer distract myself from.

Oddly enough, it started when my dog died. At the age of 24, after making a series of very poor decisions, (failed marriage, daughter removed from my life) he was all I had left and meant everything to me. That was the snowflake that started the avalanche. 

Shortly after, I was notified that my workplace was bought out and shutting down. My job duties meant I had to visit the basement alone and attend to things. The shadows became silhouettes, and the silhouettes were a talkative bunch. After a week of that, I quit the job.

They knew I was acting odd and generously gave me a severance package. May have felt responsible or guilty? 

I withdrew from life. Isolated myself completely. Locked myself in a room with a toaster, a microwave, and a mini freezer stocked with nothing but eggo's and chicken nuggets. I just completely stopped caring about everything and infused myself into the virtual reality of a computer game instead. Sleep? Shave? Shower? Brush my teeth? Walk 10 steps to the bathroom? Why? 

Family would try and check in on me. I didn't answer. They would peek in the window, see I was alive and disappear. Their idea of support was to give me space. 

After several weeks of tormenting myself over my inexcusable failures, my brain melted.

I was pulled off the roof of an 8 story building in town by a security guard after he noticed me walking the edge like a balance beam. 

I had no idea I was even there and woke up in the hospital. 10 days later, I got home and the room looked like somebody crammed a landfill in through the window. It was pretty disgusting to see the way I was 'living'. Maybe I thought the silhouettes were cleaning for me? Who knows.. 

And then the medication nightmare began..

That was 15 years ago. Was hospitalized 2 more times. Been fighting the fight ever since.

Thankfully, although I have my hiccups, I have never been close to a repeat performance of that first rude awakening.

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