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Bipolar and violent/aggressive impulses


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Anyone else just get pissy as fuck and beyond irritated/angry at the tiniest slights whether real or imagined?  I hate feeling this way.  I fantasize about punching people who have wronged me and getting away with it scot free.  Thank god there are laws against that shit--sometimes I feel like that's the only thing that keeps me in check.  That and I've discovered that mindfulness meditation works wonders as long as I consistently practice it (I recommend the app Headspace for guided meditation).  But I didn't do it yesterday and guess what?--I'm back to feeling like a wreck again.  I really wish bipolar support groups existed IRL--I feel so alone in this illness.

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I feel alone too @nottelling. Where I am, there is a support group through the hospital but I have never wanted to go - I am not ready to talk to live in person  people about my MI.

I can't rally speak to violent urges except directed inward at myself. I get furious at small or imagined slights but my instinct is always to hurt myself. Neither response seems really helpful. Sorry you are in this same leaky effed up boat too.

Edited by theforest
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On 8/3/2017 at 5:32 PM, nottelling said:

Anyone else just get pissy as fuck and beyond irritated/angry at the tiniest slights whether real or imagined? 

Yup. All the time. 

I go so far out of my way to find inconsistencies in people (what they say, what they do, how they act, how they feel).. I try to catch them in lies, I find all the little meaningless things that contradict all the little meaningless things.. and then I use that as the basis to label them untrustworthy and a direct liability to my grasp on sanity.

I call them out on what they did that made no sense to me.. then, rather than allowing anything to escalate, I just walk away.. let them seethe in the moment. Avoid them. Avoid everyone. Trust no one. Isolate myself from their provoking influence. Cut the cord. It has happened with everybody in my life since the manifestation of the illness. I leave no other option.

That is my dysfunctional life preserver. My defense mechanism. My shield that protects me from the inevitable of everybody not understanding my unique perspective on anything.

I am so well practiced at it now, so convincing, so passionate.. nobody even challenges my delusions. At the point of confrontation, they determine I am not even worth them making any effort to try and convince me how far from reality my jaded perspective is. There would be no point. In my mind, I already have a running list of reasons not to trust them. 

Support groups? 

Isn't it peculiar how much easier it is to be open and honest while hiding in this anonymous pixelated world online? There are so many aspects of my life that I have no problem sharing online, but would never trust anybody with if I was sitting in the same room as them.

I have no faith in people who call themselves experts because they once read about some related topic. It's all a charade. I got my best words of wisdom from a therapist who lifted her skirt and rolled her sleeves up just enough to show me their scars. 

I could so easily connect to that level of dysfunction. Now? If there is no connection to be found, all that remains is liability.

I have no room for that senseless drama in my life. (Reguardless of all the ridiculous ways that I seem to cause it)

So, yeah.. connecting to people in environments similar to this forum is quite effortless (crazy people are my natural peers) and has become one of the most beneficial ways in which I cope with my delusions.

Aside from 3 distinct instances of dangerous manic episodes, I am all bark. But, my bark is very effective. I would be a handful if I was ever cornered and walking away was not an option. Luckily, it has never come to that. 

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