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I think i killed one of the organizations bug agents...


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Tell me if this is crazy or not but I was in the shower today, and I saw a weird bug that I had never seen before. it was a little black dot flying around, and I don't like bugs, so I killed it. I soon realized (now this might be the crazy part) that it was one of the organizations agents. Now a little back story, I think there's this massive organization tracking me and recording me through cameras. And this delusion went away for a few weeks, but I think it has come back and I think I killed one of their agents. I'm pretty happy about it actually :). Unfortunately, now I think every bug is an agent that is recording me, but if I can kill one I can kill em all, am I right? Anyways just wanted to share with you guys and ask for any input if I'm getting worse or not.

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That was always a confusing layer of the delusional thinking process for me. So much of the foundation for the delusion is often based on a firm platform of what we know to be real and logical. 

Ants are technically insects. They have their colony. Every ant has a job function within the colony. Queen sits on her throne. Workers build her palace. Selected mates expand the population. Explorers do the hunting and gathering.. and return back to the colony with whatever they find.

From there, for those of us with our bevy of afflictions, the delusion branches out from what is real to become an elaborate fantasy that the psychosis tricks us into believing to be a legitimate concern or threat. 

I say kill all those pesky insects. To satisfy the delusion, it's one less spy. To satisfy reality, the available water source of your bathroom is nurturing the critter (or colony) and should be taken away from them. 

If I was in the same situation, I would capture the critter and try to identify what kind of insect it is. I would research his intentions. I would see if he is a lone wolf or if he has friends nearby. I would educate myself of how to ensure more of his type don't come claiming my turf. Yes, that is all real, not delusional. 

However, if I was out of my mind, I would probably capture and interrogate the little beast, demand to see his entire family, and then hold a mock trial on the bathroom vanity officially charging them with tresspassing or disturbing the peace or.. sure, espionage?! Doesn't matter. The sentence wouldn't change. Execution by flying swatter! I would even arm myself with a broomsword and do hourly security sweeps checking the perimeter of the battleground.

Everybody stereotypes the whole tinfoil thing. Man.. that stuff works wonders! It's like duct tape, superglue, Velcro, and Kevlar all in one economical, readily available, and easy to use form. Really though, what is offered me was peace of mind. It is a big, fuzzy impenetrable security blanket.

If these intruders were really messing with my head, I would put tinfoil in the gap between the bathroom door and floor. Then I would forget all about them and find a new enemy in my mind to contend with. Psychosis sucks. But, it's crazy how that stereotype was planted into my subconscious as being a real protector?! I was fortunate that my symptoms mellowed when the stressors were identified and removed. I don't want to ever deal with that again.

As much as I try to make it entertaining, it is never meant to glorify anything. That is my quirky way of coping. Unpleasant, disruptive delusions require professional help.

As to my opinion on if you are better or worse? That is for a physician to decipher. I would definitely let them know of the status of your symptoms as they change. Start a detailed journal (if you havent already). That will help you figure out the patterns and give your treatment staff more information to work with. And, research each potential diagnosis like your life itself depends on the knowledge gained. 

Sorry. This reply ended up being a novel!

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 8/6/2017 at 6:54 PM, unknown diagnosis said:

Tell me if this is crazy or not but I was in the shower today, and I saw a weird bug that I had never seen before. it was a little black dot flying around, and I don't like bugs, so I killed it. I soon realized (now this might be the crazy part) that it was one of the organizations agents. Now a little back story, I think there's this massive organization tracking me and recording me through cameras. And this delusion went away for a few weeks, but I think it has come back and I think I killed one of their agents. I'm pretty happy about it actually :). Unfortunately, now I think every bug is an agent that is recording me, but if I can kill one I can kill em all, am I right? Anyways just wanted to share with you guys and ask for any input if I'm getting worse or not.

i can't speak to worse or better, but have you talked to your psychiatrist about this?

i have had trouble with being gangstalked and so forth. it's a really unpleasant thing to have consume you. if you're feeling tracked and recorded by agents, bug or otherwise, when i felt that way it consumed a LOT of my time and life. so, maybe in considering whether you're doing better/worse, consider how time consuming and life consuming these thoughts and the actions you're taking as a result of them...how time and life consuming is it? if it's taking up hours per day...it doesn't have to be that way.

i see this was posted at the beginning of the month and i hope you're feeling better now. x

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