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Am I the asshole or is my friend?


madmax15
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Me and my friends were going on a camp. Anyhow a day or two before I SMS messaged the friend who I was going with and he never answered. I specifically said it was important i knew how we were going to get there (public transport or in his car ect.) 

Time was running out and he didnt answer so I sent a final message saying "Forget about it. You can go there by yourself."

He angryly confronted me about this message saying how rude it was. Well I kept saying "You never replied. I needed to know what was going on for transport."

Then he said "That's right you didn't know I could of been in hospital or in an accident and you were going to see me later in the day anyway."

In the end both of us didn't go to the camp and the friendship is in turmoil

Edited by madmax15
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10 minutes ago, looking for answers said:

so how long was there b/w when u texted him and when he finally replied

He never actually replied to my text messages-he confronted me the same day at the support group we both go to

Edited by madmax15
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Sorry, I don't subscribe to today's societal attitude of "I texted you three minutes ago, why haven't you replied?". If I'm busy, I'm busy. Unless it's life or death, I don't feel obligated to drop what I'm doing, which might be important, to answer a question. If your friend was in an accident, I think you owe him an apology. 

If you were getting that anxious, I think you should've worked out public transport on your own, as a fallback. 

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1 hour ago, Rabbit37 said:

Sorry, I don't subscribe to today's societal attitude of "I texted you three minutes ago, why haven't you replied?". If I'm busy, I'm busy. Unless it's life or death, I don't feel obligated to drop what I'm doing, which might be important, to answer a question. If your friend was in an accident, I think you owe him an apology. 

If you were getting that anxious, I think you should've worked out public transport on your own, as a fallback. 

I understand what you just said and I CAN understand not replying straight away to text messages but in this case it was nearly ONE DAY without a reply

Edited by madmax15
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3 hours ago, madmax15 said:

He never actually replied to my text messages-he confronted me the same day at the support group we both go to

If you were going to see him at the support group the same day, why did you even text him in the first place?

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7 hours ago, jt07 said:

If you were going to see him at the support group the same day, why did you even text him in the first place?

The support group was in the afternoon. I needed to know sooner.

I actually think it was abit rude he never replied to my messages or even bothered calling me to let me know what was happening. It would take him no more than 30 seconds of his time to send me a message...

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Sorry, but yeah, I agree with others that you jumped to conclusions. Why not send a follow up text later, asking if he saw your first text (next time around)? 

In the meantime, how are you going to apologize?

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Honestly.. I agree , I hate texting for that reason.. it doesn't show emotions and you can get mixed messages. And you never know his phone could have been out of service or his battery was dead etc. 

Heil is right, Just apologize for over reacting. 

I liked the old days where we had the old school phones when we could slam them shut; it felt soo much better and satisfying when you were angry with someone. Like Yeah Bitch! FUCK YOU! SLAM! 

Edited by KnickNak
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Just now, madmax15 said:

I sent him a text the next day apologizing and he didn't answer it?!?!

When's the next time you have the support group with him? Maybe let him cool off and approach him then?

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2 minutes ago, madmax15 said:

I sent him a text the next day apologizing and he didn't answer it?!?!

Hey... remember, don't jump the gun . He will get back to you. If he does not, he is an asshole.

Edited by KnickNak
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2 minutes ago, KnickNak said:

Hey... remember, don't jump the gun . He will get back to you. If he does not, he is an asshole.

It's been a week since the incident and since my last text with the apology. It's safe to say he WON'T get back to me :-/

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Just now, madmax15 said:

It's been a week since the incident and since my last text with the apology. It's safe to say he WON'T get back to me :-/

Oh, I'm sorry I misread my bad. 

What a dick. I hate people.

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26 minutes ago, KnickNak said:

Honestly.. I agree , I hate texting for that reason.. it doesn't show emotions and you can get mixed messages. And you never know his phone could have been out of service or his battery was dead etc. 

Yeah that's true when someone doesn't get back to me or doesn't answer straight away I think 2 things either they're either upset with me and I did something wrong or they are just rude assholes.

Edited by madmax15
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17 minutes ago, madmax15 said:

Yeah that's true when someone doesn't get back to me or doesn't answer straight away I think 2 things either they're either upset with me and I did something wrong or they are just rude assholes.

Yeah, easier just to call. Then they text and say whats up? It's faster that way. 

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You can actually see how my text saying "Forget about it. You can go there by yourself." can be seen by someone as aggressive and rude or even as a polite and friendly statement?!

Edited by madmax15
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I often forget to take my phone off vibrate when I get home from work, and will not always have it in the same room as me. So if you text, there are no guarantees that I'll see it until I'm getting ready to sleep, since I use my phone as an alarm. Even knowing this, I do get anxious when someone doesn't return my texts, and I'll wonder if I've done something wrong - but it's important to recognize that's just anxiety not reality. But not responding to your apology text does sound like it's either him being a jerk or like texting really isn't the way to get in touch with him. Maybe if you speak to him in person at the support group, ask what the best way to get in touch with him is? 

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4 hours ago, madmax15 said:

You can actually see how my text saying "Forget about it. You can go there by yourself." can be seen by someone as aggressive and rude or even as a polite and friendly statement?!

Nothing about your text sounds polite or friendly to me. At best, it's passive-aggressive. At worst it's impatient, dismissive, and definitely rude. But hey, this is a moment to learn from- Think about how you would react if someone texted you that, and you simply had missed their text coming in.

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16 minutes ago, heilmania said:

Think about how you would react if someone texted you that, and you simply had missed their text coming in.

I'd be like  "Good dumbass I didn't want to go anyway with you THAT'S WHY I don't answer your text messages coz I couldn't say it to your face!"

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13 minutes ago, madmax15 said:

I'd be like  "Good dumbass I didn't want to go anyway with you THAT'S WHY I don't answer your text messages coz I couldn't say it to your face!"

Okay, you're jumping to conclusions again. Did you not understand what I was saying? Try to put yourself in his shoes with none of your preconceptions.

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17 minutes ago, heilmania said:

Okay, you're jumping to conclusions again. Did you not understand what I was saying? Try to put yourself in his shoes with none of your preconceptions.

"Screw you I'm going to the camp by myself!"

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56 minutes ago, madmax15 said:

You asked me how I would react if someone sent me that message "Forget about it. You can go by yourself."

THAT'S my answer!

Right. I'd be pissed off if I got that text, too. 

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29 minutes ago, heilmania said:

Right. I'd be pissed off if I got that text, too. 

What am I meant to think? My last message was rude but i was saying I REALLY need to know something and if you're not going to answer my messages forget about it!

But him not answering is rude too!

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2 hours ago, madmax15 said:

What am I meant to think? My last message was rude but i was saying I REALLY need to know something and if you're not going to answer my messages forget about it!

But him not answering is rude too!

Okay, so if you were REALLY trying to say that you needed him to respond, you needed to say THAT, not what you said. See what I'm saying? You need to tell people what you're really thinking- they can't guess.

His not answering could have been rude, but it also could have been any number of things (lots of other people have hashed out what those things could be, above)- you didn't give him a chance to tell you, though. If you'd given him a gentle nudge of a text, then seen him later and reminded him to check his texts, you would likely not be in this predicament.

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  • 2 months later...
3 hours ago, heilmania said:

Given the context? Yup. 

*You* ignore my messages with me needing to know something really important. Then *you* confront me about it then I send *you* an *apology text* about the text you got upset about and you ignore that too!

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4 minutes ago, madmax15 said:

*You* ignore my messages with me needing to know something really important. Then *you* confront me about it then I send *you* an *apology text* about the text you got upset about and you ignore that too!

Max, people get to choose whether or not to forgive you. 

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I rarely notice right away when someone texts me, even the little sound I have to go off won't get my attention if I'm busy. Sometimes my sisters will have had a long conversation by the time I notice. Not everyone is attached to their phone. My best friend always said about phone calls she didn't feel like picking up, "It's a call, not a command." Really, texts work the same way. If I'm not busy, I'll get to them. But they're not a priority.

You were nasty and passive aggressive. You need to stop automatically escalating every social interaction into a so-called threat to yourself. Most people are not out to get you. And you sometimes provoke people into not wanting to spend time with you. I know you are lonely, but that means you *have* to get a grip on this tendency. It is not a good way to make friends, nor is it supportive to the people you *do* want as friends. Have you talked to a therapist about this? Or were you going to group when this all happened? I'm not quite clear on that. If that was group, maybe you should also go to an outside therapist, which I realize might be too costly. 

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On 22/10/2017 at 1:51 AM, crtclms said:

Have you talked to a therapist about this? Or were you going to group when this all happened? I'm not quite clear on that. If that was group, maybe you should also go to an outside therapist, which I realize might be too costly. 

I DID talk to my therapist about this and showed him the messages and explained the situation. He was actually on MY side because he said unless he had a "very good reason" he couldn't answer my messages HE'S in the wrong!

Edited by madmax15
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I disagree with your therapist about this. You do not have the right to force me to respond to you by sending me a text message. I don't have to give you any reason at all. But maybe that's me because I grew up without texting and cell phones.

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The idea that because we both have cell phones, it gives you permission to reach into my life and disrupt it, is ridiculous. Your therapist must be young, or something? Because no one should be able to order people around just because they have a phone. Do you like being ordered around?

And etiquette guides disagree with your therapist as well.

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I'm a young adult that relies on my phone. Yet I also think that is ridiculous, and if anyone I text did it to me, I would tell them they are being rude and pretentious. Personally, the only reasonable time I can think of where there should be a prompt text, is if you're a teenager and the text is from a parent about your whereabouts and safety. 

Whilst I usually do text back promptly, it isn't because I am expected to. It is just because I have a lot more time on my hands than most adults do. There are certainly times where I don't, and I don't have to justify why. If I did have to, I have learnt that the friendship is probably in perish or has issues, because a friend isn't supposed to be glued to you like a leech, nor is anyone, really. 

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