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Losing hope


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I've been struggling with the depression and anxiety for the past few months. We're working on making some medication changes, but I also have a lot of personal stress. Right now my job is on a yearly contract, and I am trying to move to the city a few hours away from where I live now. I'm really trying to get something lined up in my desired location before my contract ends. I have some savings, but not enough to cover moving without a solid job lined up. I've applied to dozens of jobs and had a few interviews, but nothing beyond that. 

One persistent thought I have when things get bad is that death would be so much easier than going through all the pain and effort to try to change the things I want to change in my life. My therapist always reminds me that it's worth trying everything you can first before you go down that road, even if it's hard. I feel like I'm getting close to having tried everything that I can. I mean, there are other meds to try, but they won't fix the fact that I live somewhere where there really aren't a lot of social opportunities for single adults - and I'm not even talking about dating, just activity and athletic groups and things to find friends. Meds won't change the fact that I can't find a job that pays enough to afford an apartment where I want to live despite having good references and experience. Meds won't change the fact that my parents were very emotionally distant and so I have only a superficial relationship with them, and that I moved for work several times so don't have other strong social/community ties. 

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Meds will not fix any of those things but they can put someone in a different frame of mind so that solutions can be found for the problems. That is so clear to me when I am not depressed and almost impossible for me to see when I am depressed. 

I try to remember when I am going through a depressive episode to focus on the tasks that have to be done right now- just one thing at a time. It's really hard to do but it helps. 

Hang in there! 

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im experiencing some issues similar. Life circumstances have been brutal(in my mind) and meds arent working, neither is therapy. But im working on getting a new pdoc(11 more days) and got a new tdoc. Its been a horrible 6 weeks of waiting. and its been trending downhill for a while. All i can say is hang in there, its bad, and it feels awful. Find a support system and use it. and continue to bring concerns to pdoc and tdoc, PRESS the issue do not let them brush you off

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I am praying that your meds wll put you in a frame of mind so you can handle all the stresses of your life.  I know when all my neurotransmitters are lined up because things don't upset me like they do when everything is out of whack.  The strange thing is my nights are always good, and my mornings are always bad.  I think they call that diurnal depression.  Anyways,  everything is blown out of porportion a million times over during the day, and then at night, I think that everything is fine.  It is all your frame of mind, and I think getting the meds correct is going to make alot of difference, but you still need to go to therapy to help you stay healthy.

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Thanks everyone. It is useful to remember that our moods can control how we see the options available to us. Pdoc increased my lamotrigine, which the last time we bumped it up really helped with the anxious-depression stuff, so hopeful another nudge will help. I also missed therapy last week because I had a job interview, and stupidly told my therapist that I would be fine just waiting until this week rather than trying to find a different time. Didn't get that job though. :( So I think that has just let the stress build up. Anyway, I see him tomorrow, so that usually helps me find a different perspective that at least partially alleviated the stress and hopelessness feelings. 

 

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19 hours ago, GreenTea said:

everything is blown out of porportion a million times over

That is the case for me, too, when I am depressed. And time moves so slowly so one day feels like eternity. And the anxiety that it will always feel that way!  When I am feeling good all the problems seem so solvable. Even huge  problems like poverty and hunger.  I can put them into perspective and see that I can't solve them but I can do my small part. 

It just perplexes me that things can look SO different due to my brain functioning at any given time.  And I think it should be possible to just change my thinking. Of course, it's not... 

 

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I really feel you. This disorder messes with our coping reserves and how much we feel like we can handle. I try to remind myself of that saying that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I've seen it play out like that many times in my own life. Sounds like you have a good therapist. Keep reaching out.

Edited by Renarde
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I completely understand this, all of what everyone has posted. I go through periods where I ask myself why I'm here (I don't have kids, I don't have a significant other [because bipolar takes care of that every time!], I don't have parents anymore, I don't have siblings, blah blah) and I sometimes think it would be such a relief to not have to worry about so many circumstantial things that seem to consistently bring me down.

Since I've been dealing with depression and bipolar for more than 20 years, 18 of those diagnosed one and then the other, I know each time I spend entire weekends in bed that eventually I will not feel that way anymore. But that's only a kernel of hope. Bipolar can be such an isolating disorder. A lot of people just don't get it, so it's sometimes easier to deal with it alone.

I hope you can find a job that will allow you the lifestyle you want and are used to. It's frustrating looking for work these days, especially contract work. I'm glad you have a therapist to talk to. Maybe that person has suggestions about things you can try socially?

Knowing this board is here is very comforting to me, even though I have only posted a handful of times. It's a reminder that I'm not alone in dealing with this crap. None of us is here!

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Hello thunder 

Good advice here, I feel so much what you are all saying. At the very least you are looking for a job, being that motivated means something and not only that air means you want a future.

Having just crashed 2 months ago from a 5 month manic episode I am in a nightmare scenario, socially isolated in a country thats not my own, failing business as I cannot see a future and have lost my boyfriend that is to this final episode. Think about suicide 20 times a day. Crippling isn't it.

Meds or not sometimes we are just in desperate situations because of our behaviour and depression is due to the fact we should not be living this life as it is or we expected more, had plans, see ourselves differently to the reality.

All this to say, I feel your pain, your not alone.

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