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Please help me I need to know what's going on in my head


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Hi, I just made this account because I can't do this anymore. My entire 18 years on this planet has been me just enduring life. I don't even know where to start with this. First off I don't even feel I deserve to feel this depressed and crazy considering there are people doing much worse, I have a feeling I am amplifying my problems and being irrational but that's a later point. Let me start off with my childhood. apparently I cried all the damn time and was scared of everything. Everything intimidated me because everything was unknown and new to me. That's how my mother puts it and honestly looking back makes sense to me but maybe there's more to it. then through pre k an elementary I had few friends then no friends and almost everyone alienated me. I had three friends that's it. Going into middle school I guess I was sort of socially anxious and depressed. All that did for me was make me more socially anxious and depressed because this made it hard for me open up. But boy is there a whole lot more, this is where things get complicated. So I was bullied throughout middle school. I was shy, unathletic, nerdy, small, skinny, ugly, and I had a bad hygiene problem that I'll get into later on. I made some friends but for the most part people didn't want to associate with me and boy did that fuck me up even more than before. Along with that I swear for awhile EVERY SINGLE DAY at least one embarrassing thing would happen to me. Every day I had something to go home and be embarrassed about. It got to the point that I didn't believe that I actually belong. I don't have anxiety around anyone but certain people at my school(graduate though) because of this. I just have this idea that all of them think I'm lesser than human. That proved to be wrong of course when going to parties recently they'd ask why I was so quiet all middle and high school and some thinking I'm cool now that I'm not the same kid from middle school. And that's another topic for later, my perception on things. But basically I spent the majority of my school years socially anxious but kept battling the anxiety until last summer when I really started to see results. For the last two years I've been more confident and people love me and I feel like a real person. Good with girls, making friends is easy and more. But there's more than just the slight social anxiety. I may be depressed or crazy I don't know which. I don't know why but I don't have control of my thoughts(you'll see how this connects with my past). I ruminate about EVERYTHING. I can't stop negative thoughts about me and my life out of my head, I can't stop thinking about why I even think like this, I think about whether or not I'm crazy and if this is normal, and etc. It's so hard to explain it but I analyze everything, like who I am as a human being and do I really belong here. I look at characteristics in myself and all I see is a loser and it bothers me. I have always had slight hygiene problems and that lowers my self esteem, it's getting better now but I don't even know why It has been a problem all my life. I want to be clean and have the house clean so bad but I have no motivation. Whenever I am faced with the idea that I'm lesser in anyway it hurts. Yesterday I smoked and hadn't smoked in awhile. I said bye to my friend who smoked me up and ended up sitting in my car for 4 hours just tearing myself apart. I don't know why weed does this to me but there's a 50 50 chance that I just flip shit when I smoke. You know how I mentioned my racing ruminating thoughts that are in my head 247, when I'm high all I need is one bad thought and then the chain starts. I start thinking about how I'm weak and unlikable and alllll my negative thoughts from when I was younger come back and even worse. And I can't just change what I'm thinking about. I can't even explain how painful this experience was. This isn't even the first time this has happened but my dumb ass smoked again. I sat in my car for 3 hours(last hour I stopped ruminating and was actually fun) just barraged with negative thoughts. I felt like I was going to die. What ended up happening was me questioning whether the new confident relaxed me is real or just a fad to try and be happy. I know if I were to be the 100% authentic me in front of people I would be denied like back in middle school. At this point I don't even know. I feel like I'm going crazy. Is everything I'm saying and feeling stupid? Are all of these thoughts just irrational and me being crazy? I kid you not I'm in the midst of like this crazy breakdown state where everything just feels bad. I've had these some times before and this is me at my complete low. Then I wake up the next day perfectly fine and back to confident relaxed me who still somewhat has the ruminating thoughts in the background. What the fuck man. I wouldn't be at this low if I didn't smoke yesterday. All it did was make me have that breakdown then think over my life all today until I got to a low, here tonight typing this shit. I feel like shit I have no motivation for anything that's not fucking a girl or hanging out with people. My room and the bathroom aren't disastrous but I have to wait till then to finally clean them. I don't know I'm just a mess. One of the scariest things is going to a therapist or even anyone, just any person and letting them know I have a slight hygiene problem and think so badly of myself. The first is just disgusting and the second well I just think it's too scary to let someone know how weak you are. I feel like I would be thought less of or denied if done so. I just want to be normal. That's it. Then I watch all these youtube vids with everyday people who are going through the exact same thing I'm going through and I'm surprised that I'm not the only one who goes through that, but I still feel like I'm alone. This is just my everyday thought process. No enjoying the now and things going on in the real world. Just me in my head contemplating life and reality and myself. I do a damn good job at hiding it though. Just wish I didn't have to hide anything and worry about these thoughts and just LIVE. I'm sorry if you read all of this and it made absolutely no sense. I'm not in a head straight mindset right now I feel like I'm just breaking. I just want to know what's wrong with me so I can get some help. I know a therapist is what I need but for now please any help will be greatly appreciated. 

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Do you think you could back off the drugs? Are u hooked? Smoking can be notoriously bad for mood issues. Therapy is the best thing for anxiety hands down. It sounds like you need to sit down with someone and let them help you figure out what's what. Once you get to the bottom of it, life might get a little clearer, just from the added perspective. If you can get in front of a doc with the essence of that post it might do miles of good. Personally, I look for psychiatrists who also do therapy, but probably whatever you can get right now is good in order for you to stay safe. The mind can be a confusing, fucked up place, and it's hard not to give in,but take it day by day, step by step and remember that self worth  shouldn't be determined just by rumination. Best of luck, and from someone whose been on a gazilion meds and therapies, patience is a must. Hang in there 

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I agree that starting therapy could really help you get a clearer mind.  It sounds like you need someone to listen to you and help you make sense of what's going on in your mind.  Things can turn around and start to make sense! 

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