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So angry today


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Heya,

Just really, really need to vent.

I've been working so hard to not be angry.

So far it was working, a bit, with DH at least, and at work.

But.

OK, as I said on the emergency board, my dad is waiting for some sort of test he's not really clear on.  Either colon or prostate.

My baby brother (ok, kid's 27) is getting married.

Fiancee is obsessing over her wedding book, very formal.

Fiancee's parents are loaded.

Mine are most decidedly not.

They have always, always babied him.

He hasn't ever been told like it is.  Real world.  Respect your parents.  Know the limits.

ANd, just because it says so in a stupid wedding book, does ***not*** make it the groom's parents' obligation to pay for some stupid formal rehearsal dinner.

Brat calls them up and just tells them they need to pay for it.  In TO.  They are already paying to travel there, hosting a shower, and buying gifts.

I flamed him a bit, frankly.

I pulled out the big sister card and told him he flat-out made a mistake.

That he should pay attention to the real world of money, and how little ordinary people have.

And, duh, it's not like the parents are trading receipts to show who paid for what.

So, he should have just eaten the cost or asked someone with money, like me.

Or at ***least*** just ***asked*** my parents, who probably would have said yes anyway, but he needs to ***respect*** them and he SCREWED UP.

Of course, my parents think I'm a bitch.  They wouldn't say it.  But:

1.  Nobody, but nobody, ever tells anyone off in my family.  EVER.

2.  Boys will be boys, aww cuties, love boys, blah blah blah.

3.  Girls are evil.  Except that my dad loves me and my sister, and is proud of us, but he's bucking a trend.

4.  He's at least giving mom a wedding, whereas I only gave her a reception (huge banquet, paid for with student loans, which she DID NOT ATTEND and which she told me NOONE WOULD ATTEND.) and my sister is still single.

5.  They used up all their savings to put him through school, and are *still* paying off his student loans, and haven't told him any of that.

6.  They've never told him their income, either, esp since Dad was laid off 12 years ago.

7.  And, boys are cute, and girls are evil.

So, I'm on everyone's blacklist (again) except my sister, thank goodness for her, she's grown up so much and is very hopeful about things, but also gets it and is practical.

I just HATE that I got mad.  I know (or can look up in my book) other ways now to handle things like this, and now I've debased myself by sending a sucky "I'm sorry" email.

B/c now that I yelled and got angry, instead of him learning anything from this, he's just going to feel sad and hurt.

Fuck.  I just thought he needed to be told.  And I knew noone else would tell him.  But I did it altogether ***wrong*** and may have wrecked things.

I have no questions here, none I can think of, for you guys.

I just needed to talk to someone.

Thanks.

;) :embarassed:

--ncc--   

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Heya,

So, I'm on everyone's blacklist (again) except my sister, thank goodness for her, she's grown up so much and is very hopeful about things, but also gets it and is practical.

Welcome to the blacklisted "mean bitch" daughter list. I'm on it too.

It's the whole elephant in the living room, emperor's not wearing any clothes syndrome. And when you have the guts to point it out, with or without tact, you are villified.

Your brother needed to be brought up short like that. You are absolutely correct his behavior is abhorant. To quote you, "even asking Mom and Dad," exactly.

I have one brother of 3, I'm the only girl, who sees the elephant like I see it. Kinda like your sister.

I've divorced my family for the time being so now they're ALL pissed at me, but ask me if I care...NOT. I'm 45, and it's taken me years of money, therapy and angst to get to this place. So I do speak my mind, and my Mom cries and says, "you're mean, you're always mean and 'I'm sorry you perceive *it* that way'". Well, after years of buying that "sorry you perceive us that way," I've finally grown some balls and have said to them, "IT IS THAT WAY!!"

So, yeah, I'm a bitch. Works for me, they leave me alone.

Hugs,

S9

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Heya S9,

Thanks!  I needed to hear that.

Hard to feel okay about it, with that elephant syndrome going on.

I think with the whole MI thing I'm starting to stand up for myself and what I think is right.

People like you are making that okay for me.  And eventually I'll be able to do it without shaking and turning red.  I hope.

Thinking the w/e of the "formal shower" might be a good time to accidentally schedule a locum in the Yukon.

And, neither my sister nor I is invited to the rehearsal anyway, not being in whatever a "wedding party" is, so we're leaving town and wearing our pajamas all night.

;)   :)

--ncc--

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A locum in the Yukon!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

They need you up in the Nunavuit Territories, ncc??

My husband's sister decided she didn't like me when he and I married 27 years ago.  So when her daughter got married, I made sure we had scheduled our vacation in Northern Maine, 12 hours away, for the week before and the week after the wedding.  heh

Family crap is the same the world over.  Nuture your relationship with your husband and your sister and write the rest of 'em off until they come to their senses.

Or, I heard a really cool crowd of people just met in Toronto this past weekend....kind of an adopted family, eh?

olga

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Heya Olga,

Nicely handled.

Thanks hon.

And I *am* looking forward to the next Crazy TO meeting.

Nunavut sounds good.  I can bring my snowshoes.

I also have a cousin in Finland.

;)

Feel better already.

--ncc--

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there's nothing wrong with being angry.

weddings = family stress hell imho

and, well... you also have issues about your mother not really respecting your wedding, so i think your response was natural.  and yes, the groom's family "traditionally" pays for the rehersal dinner... but that doesn't mean it has to be a laying out of the bucks.  lots of people have bbq's for the rehersal... fuck for the wedding.

anger is ok.

anger is natural.

anger is not about mental illness.

you did ok here.

penny

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2.  Boys will be boys, aww cuties, love boys, blah blah blah.

--ncc--

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[/quote

NCC

I am glad you expressed yourself. It feels good to do that. And CB is a good place to do it.

All I could read here was your above quote.  When I was little, my mother had all these pictures of my brother, entered him in a baby beautiful contest, and of course, none of me...sob...sob.

Anyway, I would take his pictures and put my name on the back of them, how crazy is that. I  knew he was the "precious" one...and remained so.

I feel badly writing this cause he died back in 1997, and I did love him, although we never became close. He was the achiever, and I was the uh...under achiever, in my mother's eyes. Now mom is stuck with me to take care of her. So I was a bit shocked to see that I still responded to your post in that manner. Oh well...more work to do.

Sorry to mess up your thread, but I do understand your feelings about that issue.  I just wanted to add that I admire you a great deal, you're the best doc I ever met.

Sylvia

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I think with the whole MI thing I'm starting to stand up for myself and what I think is right.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

OK, now I don't want to start anything....but......this isn't your wedding. This isn't your relationship with your parents. It's your brother's. And if they want to pay for the rehearsal dinner? Then it is their choice and option to do so. If not, then they are big people and can either be martyrs and do it anyway, or say something.

Maybe this gets back to your wedding. Maybe this is hurt feelings because that person posing as your mother didn't attend your reception but now is seemingly fully able to pay for a rehearsal dinner. Maybe?

Weddings suck. My husband proposed at his birthday party and within two hours I was so overwhelmed with well meaning family and ideas I flipped out. I called my wedding planner. My uncle. He has NO problem in telling it like it is.

I called him first thing the next morning and he said to me "You and Albert do exactly what you want and fuck everybody else!" And we did. And I hurt people's feelings.

The point is this. It was our day. We did things a bit differently, but we did them our way. And yes my family duked it out. And no we didn't attend several parties planned in our honor. We just didn't want to.

We had a rehearsal dinner with close family only. We did what we wanted. And sticking to our guns made it a great day. But I digress.

This is not about you. This is about your brother and his relationship with his parents who also happen to be yours. Yeah, it's probably good you "enlightened him", but for now? Stand down and just watch. I bet it gets better.

And let your parents decide what they want to do.

BTW? My father worshiped me too. And I miss him every day he has left this plane.

And I'm Finnish too. ;)

Breeze

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When my wife and I got married, my folks got angry because we didn't want a reception. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law are unable to travel, so my wife decided that if her family couldn't be there, neither could mine.  So we had a nice lunch with the best man (my brother) and the matron of honor (her best friend) -- that was the entire wedding party -- they also served as the witnesses.

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"I just HATE that I got mad"

Sometimes it is justifiable. Don't beat yourself up over it.

And while Breeze does have a good point about it being your brother's relationship with your parents, if it comes back on you in ANY WAY, you have the right to bitch. By any way I mean...

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Hi, ncc,

I completely understand and know what you're talking about from the inside. There generally seems to be a "golden child" in every disfunctional family. Mine was like that. My youngest brother was so damned cute. And he was by far the most social of the children. He had this bulls eye instinct of just how to behave and talk around the grown-ups to get anything he wanted. I, on the other hand, was constantly in trouble for pointing out the deceptions involved.

This continued to be the family dynamic into adulthood.

But then I went into therapy and learned about BOUNDARIES! Who knew?!  I am now allowed, by myself if by no one else, to set limits. It is ever so wonderful to have pretty much extricated myself from the family vortex of enmeshed disfunction.

It's your brother's fault for giving in to fiancee's fancy wedding plans and making demands on your parents. But, they've bought into it and let him expect to get his way whenever he wants something. They're as wrong as he is.

At some point your parents will let you know (and probably ask you not to tell your brother) how much this set them back financially and now things are really tough, blah blah blah. But here's the thing. YOU don't have to fix it. All you need to say is, Gee, that must be rough on both of you. PERIOD. YOU don't have to support or fix their bad decisions.

It was incredibly hard the first few times I didn't let myself get sucked into family issues, or just acknowledged what they were saying without trying to fix anything or mediate the situation. Not My Issue, Baby.

Anyway, I hope you're feeling better about things. Besides, as the big sister, you have eternal rights to come down on the sibs when the need arises.

Greeny

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Anyway, I hope you're feeling better about things. Besides, as the big sister, you have eternal rights to come down on the sibs when the need arises.

Greeny

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I agree, I think the *manner* in which babycakes DEMANDED parents pay, was reprehensible, and worthy of big sister laying some smack down. I would have done the same thing. But that's my perspective from the oldest and only female child. 3 younger brothers, whom I essentially raised while my parents were off in their crazy alcoholic worlds.

S9

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Heya,

Thanks everyone.

I just really needed to vent, I wasn't really expecting so much response ...

I feel listened to.  And I appreciate it.

Of course, there are other issues in my family (as you might have noticed).

It bothers me and my sister to watch our brother go down the same oblivious pathway as so many of our male cousins.

We always tried to fill in the blanks for him, if theat makes sense.  When he was in high school, he nearly got an incomplete and our parents still let him run around and party til the wee hours.  Then we told him how his life would suck if he blew it at that stage, and he listened.

Bla bla, not the point.  This is a  case of "I was only ..." that backfired.  Whatever.

BTW, I found out later that my mother volunteered a few months ago to pay "whatever we're supposed to pay for."

So, screw'em.

--ncc--

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To paraphrase someone I know here at CB, I'm gone for a day and all hell breaks loose!

Glad you worked out this shit re: family in your mind. You know I know where you're coming from on this. I say screw'em is a good mental stance on the subject.

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ncc,

families can be a massive drag.

vent, scream, wail, break out assault weapons and lets all go down to the rifle range!

oh, um...sorry, i let out my inner-red neck.

hee hee.

(btw, i WAS joking about the last one.  my ears cant handle it.  so no worries!)

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NCC, i sooo get what you're saying....my sister was the ne'erdowell in my family for years, and it just annoyed me and my brother no end, watching my parents get used.  it wasn't about jealousy, or that she got something we didn't, it was about someone using our parents.

thank god she finally grew up.  took a while, but she grew her little ass up & started taking responsibility for her own life.

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Guest ~Aurelie~

hi ncc!

i personally LOVE what you did. i think WAY TO GO YOU! especially in a family in which nobody speaks up. it takes guts to speak up.

YAY YOU!

i like you even more now.

aurelie

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