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Steve223

Mother Continues To Go After Me For Not Being Straight

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Over the past couple of years, this issue has come up multiple times..... over and over with the same crap every time.  Her judgment of me has resulted in me going back into the closet several times.  Then back out again, like cycles.  This time, she first had a judgmental outburst over the phone that ultimately included her saying she was unsure if she wanted to remain in contact with me if I were ever in a relationship with a guy because she was seeming judgmental towards me and I just said, "look you don't have to be part of my life, you don't even have to talk to me. that's fine.".  After that, she backtracks.  Starts saying that she always wants to be in my life, but that she's "not sure how she feels about it" and doesn't wish to discuss it.  I don't discuss it.  Some weeks pass, it comes up again.  Her reasoning for her behavior doesn't make much sense to me.  She has had multiple gay friends.  Hasn't had many friends in general but several of them have been gay, and she's been very close with them.  Also was basically best friends for years with a woman who is a lesbian.  She even says that she "believes in equality" and has always been of this mindset.  However, she admits to me that she has no problem with gay people, but that because its her kid she won't really be able to accept me but has had numerous gay best friends over the years..... and that we're incompatible with one another because of this but she wants to stay part of my life and claims to not be rejecting me.... but that she's "entitled to her reaction" to this.  She also says that she will never not be uncomfortable with this and will never be okay with it or fully accept it.  Her position on it is 100% set in stone, according to her.  How on Earth is this behavior not her rejecting me?  Or at least thinking about it?  She's not embarrassed of me I don't think, because currently she has zero friends.  No one, so I don't know who she'd be embarrassed to?  However, she is also saying that she isn't convinced of me not being straight..... despite the fact that she drove me up the wall recently to the point where I said something that I did in the past.

This time it started because she's saying stuff to me about the way that I dress.  I wear what's basically a women's hairstyle and paint my nails, and you don't really see other guys that dress in a similar way to myself, at least other than on rare occasion.  But I like the way I look and have always felt kind of feminine, never anything serious in terms of issues with my body or anything like that....... but still I see no reason at all why I should go back to dressing like a "normal" guy like I did when I was younger.  Why should I have to?  In fact, she even started to say something relating me being gay to the way I dress, indicating things along the lines of gender differences.  She also started acting very concerned for me and my future, saying that I'm going to be treated differently because of the way I am.  Which definitely is true, but she just seemed extremely concerned about the whole thing to the point that it was difficult for me to get through to say anything to her.  Essentially, she just seems kind of confused about this.

Edited by Steve223

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I'm sorry, long block of text, had trouble reading. Just wanted to say tho, my sympathies for the difficulty with your mom. Do you have a tdoc that you can talk to? 

If you feel more comfortable dressing femininely, then go for it. I hope you can find support. 

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@Steve223, So sorry your mother is reacting like this.......

As a mom myself, I can't imagine treating one my children that way.....It would not matter to me if one of my kids told me they were gay---I would still love them and accept them for who they are.

Maybe, given time, she will come to accept this, no matter what she is saying now.

I agree with Rabbit above---having a good therapist to talk to will help.....And don't change the way you dress if it makes you feel comfortable about yourself.......

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Steve223 - You say your mother says her position is 100% set in stone. I doubt that very much. If she tells you she's "not sure how she feels about it", says one thing and then backtracks, seems confused, tells you she wants you in her life, says she isn't convinced you're gay yet pushes you to basically convince her - her position is changeable.

First of all, she's your mom. That isn't going to change. She may have raised you with certain hopes and expectations (daughter-in-law, grandchildren) and may be having a problem with the idea that those dreams may not be in the cards. But if it comes to a choice between having you in her life or not having you in her life, I suspect she'll find she's more flexible than she thinks. The key is keeping communication open.

My nephew came out to my sister and her husband, and although it took some adjusting, they are all fine with him and his partner now. We can't imagine his partner not being a part of the family. Give your mom some time, and keep reassuring her that no matter how confused she may feel about you that you love her just the same. She's not rejecting you - she's coming to grips with changes in her own expectations, and - and pay special attention to this - you are not responsible for those expectations. It is not your responsibility to live up to those expectations. You were born to live your own life, not to live the life someone else thinks you should live. Dress as you wish, live as you wish, love as your heart dictates, be the person that reflects your soul. Your mother will come around in time. I know it's hard, but try to have patience with her.

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On 8/21/2017 at 7:12 AM, Cerberus said:

you are not responsible for those expectations. It is not your responsibility to live up to those expectations. You were born to live your own life, not to live the life someone else thinks you should live. Dress as you wish, live as you wish, love as your heart dictates, be the person that reflects your soul. Your mother will come around in time. I know it's hard, but try to have patience with her.

Exactly. Parents have a lot of expectations of their children and don't realize how much being under that much pressure affects them. They suddenly realize they are not running your game, you are as an adult.  I told mom and she pulled out her most common weapon, using guilt. "You are doing this to hurt me" she said. She is an only child and very smart so she is used to getting her way.  What she said to me angered me and I yelled "This is not about you, it is about me, damnit."  This surprised her. She came around, five years later she was taking my boyfriend and me to the movies.

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Sorry, had to weigh in again. Don't give up, as notloki said. I'm a mother of three, two of whom are straight, youngest (15) is maybe bi? Don't exactly know, don't care. She's free to live her life. It's hard for parents of my generation to accept this, just want to say, keep trying. 

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I'd say there's a greater than 50% chance that she won't come around or change her views at all, ever...... and I think there's at least a 50/50 chance that she'd ultimately just cut off contact with me completely if I ever found myself in a gay relationship, even if she says otherwise, she's been known to lie.  However, there is something that I thought could possibly be affecting her views, assuming it isn't just lies.  This may be off base as it all may have been made up stories to to try to scare me and manipulate me.  She said that the close friend she had that who was gay died of aids, and she claims that she had been extremely close with him.  Assuming this is a true story and not just all made up (she lies without much thought about it if manipulation is the goal, so there's no way to know what's fact vs fiction).  If it were true though, I can imagine that must have been a very sad and traumatic experience for her that would have likely shaped her views considerably and possibly caused her to react out of fear when I'm telling her this.  Not sure though and I'm sure if she brought it up, she possibly and maybe even likely would just say that has nothing to do with her views and that I'm just "trying to force her to accept it" and say nothing more about it..... but maybe I'm not 100% off base on this.

Edited by Steve223

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It kind of sounds like she's not confused, she's messing with your head. To be honest, your sexuality and gender presentation seem to be an excuse to act like an arsehole. You say she's manipulative, and it seems like this is an extension of that. Sorry, I don't want to be mean but she should not be treating you this way. You can't make her accept anything, since she is sort of holding the cards in this situation. 

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If you look at the numbers the real concentrated opposition to things like gay marriage or gender fluidness is from the old folk. They were taught gay is bad, we are peopiphiles ( I can count the time I was told "I don't have problems with gay people except the fooling around with the kids, ect.) Even Dr. Spock who wrote several book of child rearing in the 1950 saying to not worry about homosexules.  It is clear these are set in stone, in that all the education in the world will not change their mind. Hope is on the horizon, they will be dead soon.

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