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Hi,

So a few months ago I went through psychosis where I had delusions and hallucinations about the FBI spying and getting killed by my work and the devil/angels and thinking I was venus etc. After going on meds the really weird ideas stopped but I still have an internalised thought-'voice' that provides running commentary on my life. He's an angel reminding me of things about heaven and hell. He also talks about life lessons learned and this very elaborate plan he made for me where I was going to save the world being the Messiah.

Throughout my illness I kept the 'mission' secret. When talking to people I wasn't always sure if it was me or if I was following an order to just say this or that.

Now that I've stabilised I'm worried about 2 things

1) How do you cope with the constant doubt that maybe your actions are still the illness deciding for you. Like the 'plan' told me to switch careers. I get excited sometimes thinking my subconscious is making me follow a nice idea of helping the world. Other times I think it's the grandeur talking, and I start getting massive anxiety and beat myself up over maybe the angel taking over, the work is too stressful etc

My emotions/decisions are confusing as while being delusional I so strongly believed in certain things and then I didn't and then I did in others etc efc.. just wish I could distinguish fake emotions/memories from real.

2) I feel sad about reality hitting. It was a complete shock finding out the angel is not real and all the 100 delusions are not true. I have that voice but it's not the same as having a real friend I hallucinated and I consider him my ultimate friend. Does the pain go away?

Tried talking to people but it's always the same stuff, half the time I feel like I'm just following orders be it from the angel or doc or other people. I've been on lots of different meds so convinced the voice is not going anywhere. I think I just find reality confusing.

 

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hi and welcome  : )

i go to groups and try to maintain a level of reality testing, but coping is really hard. i don't have grandeur but i do....like, i've received and followed orders for years and kept it a secret until a very public thing that got me diagnosed many years ago. i miss having a plan that made sense, even though it involved cutting things out of my body and so forth. i miss having a purpose. 

i mostly want to respond to your second point to say that i completely relate to that. i feel like insight is brutal and i often get post-psychosis depression as a result of it.

for me, no, the pain doesn't go away, but it gets easier to manage. 

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