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PPD- It doesnt always stop after 6 months!


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Just got out of the psych ward after threatening to kill myself a week ago. I was dx'ed with PPD a few months after my son was born, and put on Cymbalta. I thought my constant crying and low mood despite the anti-depressant were "just part of being a mum now" and thought nothing of them. It was only when i started to resent my son for even being born, started thinking about taking him to a fire station and leaving him there (which made me cry even more at the thought of him crying for his parents and us not being there), that i began to realize there was something more going on. Last thursday it came to a head when i told my husband i planned to kill myself because i could no longer cope with life as it currently stood. He took me to the ER, where i was held for about 4 hours before i was transferred by ambulance to a local psychiatric hospital. 

I was a wreck. I couldnt stop crying, couldnt eat, would scream at the nurses to just let me die and when i wasnt crying i was lying in bed either sleeping or just staring at the wall. They put me on Doxepine and Effexor and my god. I went from a 10 on the depression scale to a 2 in a week. Suddenly the proverbial bell jar had been lifted and i could breathe. I couldnt stop laughing because suddenly life actually meant something. I've been in this psych unit before for a psychotic break, and the staff there were terrified apparently when they saw me because they had never seen me so depressed before. But im here. Im breathing. Im hearing music that tells me im going to be ok.

Thing is, so many people i've spoken to in the last week refused to believe my depression was post-partum because my son is 15 months old. They say i would have "gotten over" that by now, there has to be another reason. The fact that my depression centered around my son, and never went away after the original PPD dx went unnoticed by the staff who all kept asking me what triggered this depression. Nobody except the wonderful staff psychiatrist would acknowledge that PPD can last for years if not properly treated, and recognized that my hormones were completely taking over my head and making me so suicidal.

I just wanted to give a heads-up that PPD is not just for just after the baby is born, it can last a lot longer than that.

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I'm glad you told your husband and that he took you to get help right away. PPD didn't start right away for me, or maybe I was in denial during the "honeymoon phase" of being home with my first (and only, as it turned out) baby. It was winter and snowing/freezing so I rarely left the house with the baby. Then I had trouble breastfeeding so I would just hold the baby and we would both cry nonstop. Then my entire body broke out in hives...

Anyway, enough about me. Every mother's experience is different, and it's so great you had a psychiatrist who listened and understood. Take care!

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I went undiagnosed with PPD with my first. The nurse told me because I wasn't suicidal at the time that it couldn't be PPD. It wasn't until a couple of years later when I had finally started to work my way out of it that someone said everything I had been going through was undoubtedly down to having it. Not having a diagnosis left me absolutely lost. I didn't connect with my child properly and it caused so many issues. I didn't know what was wrong with me, I didn't know why I hadn't felt these immediate feelings of love and protection for my child. I was like a robot, doing the things I knew I had to do but there was no joy or emotion behind any of it. It took many years for me to finally work through those feelings and find a connection with her and I think, even now, many many years later there is still some kind of effect there that isn't with my others due to how it went at the time.

I'm glad you had someone who listened to you finally and has helped you to feel the joy and happiness that parenting should bring.

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