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Body Integrity Identity Disorder


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I think I might have body integrity identity disorder, although I have a long history of general self harm. I've discovered I can make myself legally blind by staring at the sun, harming the macula of the eye which is responsible for central vision -- after my first attempt, I've been unable to see whatever I directly focus on. I've had to adjust the accessibility options on the computer to make the font HUGE just so I can type and read. My partner knows I did it once and I've been to the optometrist. When I realized it might heal after some months, I decided to continue to harm myself by staring at the sun every morning when I'm alone and no one knows I'm doing it. I'm hoping to make the damage permanent.

I feel so crazy even saying all this. I know how ridiculous and stupid it is. But it's my new favourite way of self harming....leaving no marks externally and causing very little discomfort... It seems my self harm tendancies are destined to consume me. I have a history of abuse of all sorts in my childhood so I guess I'm just punishing myself...

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Hi @Kaiora

The bummer about vision loss is that it's permanent. It's not the same as other kinds of self harm because permanent vision loss means blindness which means more dependency on other people for your safety and well-being. This increases your vulnerability in the world in some really significant ways.

You deserve to have proper care and support. You deserve kindness and not punishment. You've endured enough abuse.

What would you say to someone in your situation about whether they deserve to be punished?

 

PS-Also please note that in the self harm boards we discourage people from talking about specific methods of self harm. Would you please edit your post to state that you have found ways to impair your vision instead of exactly how you're doing it?

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