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Struggling with wanting to restrict


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I am getting home from vacation tomorrow and am anxious to weigh myself on Wednesday morning to see where I landed if I gained or lost I want to lose but I am not supposed to lose as it is but I want to I see pictures from this vacation and feel I look fat in them I am still the same size but look bloated and gross. I want to starve again but it I know will make my depression worse and it's bad enough and it makes my PTSD worse too my therapist tells me but I want so bad to restrict and lose. But if I lose the next step is higher level of care but also PTSD and depression play a role I am often suicidal and I just hope my crash from vacation doesn't go how I think it will ...

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I realize this post is roughly a week old, but I wanted to comment anyhow.  I just wanted to write some words of support to let you know that someone else is reading, fighting the battle alongside you, and rooting for you.  You deserve to feel both physically and mentally well; that's a fact.  Feeling intermittently suicidal is serious business, and it's no way to live. 

What would be different in your life if you could funnel all of the ED thoughts and energy into other things, like self-care and human connection?  That's a question I've been asking myself lately...

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Thanks for the support I wish it was easier some days. It's such a struggle to just get through a day. I no longer want to do much but I am still going to work and doing what I have to so my therapist thinks it is sadness not depression fully but I can't say I don't understand my own feelings never have. I see my psychiatrist today so see what she says about things...I am just eating mechanically because I have to do it. I don't want to and I self harmed last night and know I have to tell my treatment team but want to not...

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  • 3 months later...

It sounds like you are struggling more with body dysmorphia. Let me tell you something which I hope will help you. 

I have a diagnosis of binge eating disorder, and I can spend months binge eating, and therefore I gain A LOT of weight. It slows down, and then I can gain control again. I look slim before I start binge eating, but when I see myself in the mirror, I think my face looks fat, my neck looks fat, my thighs are big, my calves are big, my arms look wide. I take a lot of selfies; now, months later when I've gained a lot of weight, and I look back, I see myself and think wow, I look good and slim. But here I am overweight, bewildered by why I relapsed and started binge eating again, then after months of dieting and exercise, I get back to that weight and then I have those same thoughts still, and I know they're false, yet I believe them. 

Try to look at pictures less, and look in the mirror less often. Try to spend less time altogether observing your appearance. If you have spent a long time restricting and you have a proper meal, of course, you're going to feel bloated, and you'll think "I've gained weight, I'm fat, I need to starve myself, I need to exercise". You've got to break it down in your mind and realise that it's that voice again that you can't trust. How can you differentiate between what is real and what isn't real when your mind is distorting the image of your body? 

Weight fluctuates for everyone. I realise being in control of something makes you feel better. I genuinely believe this is the case amongst everyone who restricts. Can you and your therapist try to figure out why you're fighting over control, what is it that you are compensating? I noticed when I dropped out, and I didn't have a job or any friends (I still don't) I needed that control more than ever; it gave me purpose, and I still need it. We have to break these barriers. A lot of the time we also say "no, but I'm different to that person, I know that I'm this", but it's not true. We've both experienced restriction, we both know guilt and shame because of our weight and body.

On 04/09/2017 at 5:58 PM, lifequake said:

I realize this post is roughly a week old, but I wanted to comment anyhow.  I just wanted to write some words of support to let you know that someone else is reading, fighting the battle alongside you, and rooting for you.  You deserve to feel both physically and mentally well; that's a fact.  Feeling intermittently suicidal is serious business, and it's no way to live. 

What would be different in your life if you could funnel all of the ED thoughts and energy into other things, like self-care and human connection?  That's a question I've been asking myself lately...

This last question is what you need to discuss with yourself, your therapist and anyone else around you. When you're in this hole, it's like someone has pressed the pause button on your life. The more we go back and forth with restricting, dieting, eating, gaining weight, restricting, dieting, eating and gaining weight the more power we give to the eating disorder. Restricting becomes second nature in our behaviour, and it gets difficult to break the cycle. 

1. Don't blame yourself

2. What do you want to do? 

3. Weigh yourself less often and then stop altogether 

4. Try to understand why you're restricting and why you're so focused on your weight. Look past all the simple answers. 

5. Try to remember how this started, what you were feeling at the time before you began to engage in these behaviours and what it was you were hoping to achieve that made you start and why you wanted to accomplish this. 

If you break down your behaviour and find causations, sometimes you get another question, but sometimes answering the question or just being aware can help you.

For example, I want to be skinny because I think people will admire me more. I want people to like me more because it makes me feel more confident in myself and makes me feel like I'm more a successful person in general.

So apparently I have self-confidence issues, and I'm relying too much on the validation of people to make me feel like I have self-worth.

I can also see in my thinking that I am trying to connect success and my weight, body and appearance. Therefore, I can provide myself with an explanation as to why I've been finding it so difficult to engage in activities such as socialising and making friends, studying or working.

My thinking has made me believe that I cannot be successful or even work on anything else in my life if I'm overweight. Through this, I can also see that I've made my body, weight and appearance a top priority in my life and I'm giving it more energy, if not all my energy. So, I'm breaking my thoughts down and the reasoning behind them and hopefully I can go back and make progress by undoing these ideas. Something you can discuss with your therapist because it's tough to unwind these ideas on your own. And to be honest, I haven't been able to make much progress because I keep saying "I can't", but the reality is I don't want to. Because it pushes me out of my comfort zone and I'm already vulnerable. It's all about challenging your thinking, behaviours, and emotions. But, this isn't about me, this is about you. I'll get there someday. 

I'm blathering on and probably not helping... But if I said anything that was helpful then great. 

 

 

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