Getting brushed off. What am I doing wrong?

[Wonderful.Cheese]

I want to OD or at least practice OD but husband is home in the living room. I'm beyond anxious. I just want to end it all.

The messages say I am going to end soon anyway in worse ways.

I tried telling tdoc or pdoc about the messages but I get brushed off. So I hide it now mostly. Maybe I'm not being forceful or direct enough? I need to know what to say to pdoc tomorrow. 

I don't know if they don't believe it's happening to me or what. But I swear to you all it is happening to me. I get messages from the radio or signs from TV if husband has it on. All saying to me (and me only) that death is coming for myself and my husband. It's awful. 

[heilmania]

Aw, cheese, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Please don't practice OD or OD. I think you should tell your husband you're thinking about the pills or whatever you're thinking of. Having them available sounds like it may be tempting. Having the means taken away may help you stay safe. 

I think telling your pdoc you don't feel the messages are being taken seriously enough is a good idea. They ought to be able to help. 

Stay safe, buddy. I'm with you. 

[Lms-Kaz]

As somebody who believes you and knows how confusing, scary, and convincing psychosis can be, I am going to try to offer a logical perspective.

In your post, I noticed there is an element of confidence and trust that is skewed. And, depending on perspective, there are a lot of places where things don't line up. 

The voices are encouraging you to not trust your husband or your treatment staff. They are so manipulative, they are undermining the confidence and trust you have in yourself.

The treatment staff is seeing you, offering assistance through medication to try and help reduce the symptoms. They are likely trying to follow a treatment plan that you participated in creating with them. If they didn't believe you, or have confidence in your ability to feel better, would they be providing any form of treatment? Would you have an appointment if they were not interested in helping?

I cant speak for your husband. But, if you can sit together and watch tv, I can easily assume he cares about you. He believes in you. He wants you to feel better. And, although things may be difficult, he is trying to be supportive.

I can't speak for you. But, in how I am translating what you wrote, you seem confused and torn between who to believe. You lack confidence and trust in yourself. That is to be expected. It is a primary identifying symptom of the illness. 

So, here's the logic.

If the voices are right, that means thousands of years of psychology, your husband, your treatment staff, everybody here supporting you, and that spark of confidence you had in yourself that was needed to write out your post.. well, that makes everybody and everything else wrong.. an illusion. 

The voices, impulses, thoughts, and visions are a hallucination. I know they can be extremely convincing. I have also been fooled before. Hearing voices that make you doubt those who can't possibly see, feel, or think in ways that are unique only to yourself? That is beyond deceptive and cruel. I can understand how confusing that must be. But, the voices are not real. 

Be strong. Trust and believe in that part of yourself that wants to feel better. Just like you have done here, let those around you know what is going on. Give your support system a fair chance at doing their job. 

[mellifluous]

if you haven't gone to your appointment already

i would print out your post and take it in and show them

i don't know why they're not offering more help

they should

you're much loved. xx

[Wonderful.Cheese]

Thank you all. I was able to discuss these issues a little further today with my pdoc. I will update when I have time. Thank you again. 

[Lms-Kaz]

I am glad you were able to be heard. Open dialogue is a critical element to any chance at climbing out of the madness. 

It's often so easy and convenient to withdraw from everybody and everything. Suffering in silence only robs us of the life we all deserve to have. 

I guess that's what makes peer forums so amazing.. Rather than accept the unacceptable, they encourage us to question ourselves.

[lifequake]

Well done, Cheese, bringing this up with pdoc for further discussion.  I'm proud of you for not staying silent.

[Wonderful.Cheese]

Thanks again guys! She listened to my concerns about a lot of different things and worries yesterday including the messages. Since I'm maxed out on AAP's, we decided to increase my klonopin dose back to where it was years ago. I am hopeful this will help me take a step back or put aside the worries surrounding the messages. It might help me deal with them when they occur. Fingers crossed!

[mellifluous]

yay! i hope it helps  xx

[San]

I hope it helps too, Cheese. <3

[coraline]

Just wanted to chime in and say I hope the klonopin helps..My pdoc raised mine too pretty recently..I'm a calmed down version..