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Because the world moves at an astonishing speed and people are always on the edge and some are often provocative in the way they carry themselves even, and also because of past traumas, I am frightened of the world. I don't work for the past 10 years. Am always at home. Probably soon I'll be in a group where they do activities for people with mental illnesses as mine - schizoaffective bipolar type - but I am afraid of doing a normal life. I fear people and I fear my reaction to people. I'm not stable although I do take my medications properly. I don't know what else to do to overcome these irrational fears. I feel like exploding because of my isolation. I have no friends and I only talk daily to my parents, which isn't much.

I'm desperate

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SZA-BP here as well. I can easily relate. I also fear people. They are complicated, always contradicting themselves, caught up in some kind of crazy competition to have more shiny things than the stranger next door that they will never know because they are too busy chasing even shinier things. Striving to be heard. Seeking validation for their thoughts and opinions. Stompong all over everybody to stand on top of the herd and pass judgement or manipulate with power and influence. Is that the standard for normal these days? If so.. I have no interest in being normal. Normal is the illusion.

I have learned to accept my irrational fears into some sort of introspective belief that I am far ahead of the societal curve and waiting for the entire world to just catch up. Seeing through all the hype, and noise, and deception of it all.. and understanding things deeper than most people care to is what my affliction has evolved into.

Desperation is 'healthy'. Wanting to overcome the isolation is 'healthy'. It means you still care. I don't have any interest in being guided into the same pool full of happy, shiny, blissfully ignorant people with those who call me crazy and deluded. 

My perspective is my illness. My isolation is fueled by frustration. "I'm fine, the world is messed up". So, why change?

I know my desperation is probably pointed in the wrong direction. Rather than a desire to conform, I rebel.

Oddly though, I have no problem with contradicting my own beliefs to help and support those who want to learn to swim in the happy pool. I hate seeing anybody needlessly suffer. 

In the 20 years since my brain melted, I have never found anybody that "gets it". That's fine. I now live a quiet, simple, self sufficient life and depend on nobody for anything. Beyond my sister, every bridge has been burned. My stubborn pride has grown into some very thick skin. 

The world is a curse. As individuals, its up to us how we cope with that. My creative rationalizations make me incredibly difficult to 'treat'. My delusions have become my identity. Sanity seems everybodys goal, but.. I value awareness instead. 

Being within a group of people that are so 'pro-treatment' is fascinating to me. Probably would have changed my entire existence if i found this place 20 years ago.

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On 9/1/2017 at 8:27 AM, lefer said:

I am afraid of doing a normal life. I fear people and I fear my reaction to people. [...] I feel like exploding because of my isolation. 

Just wanted to say I can relate on a daily basis. I use mantras to cope with walking down the sidewalk and not exploding.

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