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So... my nurse once said that I probably have avoidant personality disorder. According to Myers–Briggs test I have INTP personality which really fits me, but also seems to be this personality associated with all personality disorders from schizoid to borderline disorder. So either this means I have fucked up personality or that my personality disorder is effecting my results. How nice.

Lately I've been getting worse with my anxiety. I've always known I'm fat and average looking, but lately I've started to think: "What if my personality is ugly too?" It probably is, but it's kind of soul crushing observation to make. Even though I didn't have friends growing up I always used to think I was at least good person to some extent. Few years I've tried to be more social, but it's not easy. More time I spend interacting with people around me, more it makes me feel like there must be something seriously wrong with me. Everything I say seems to offend people even though I don't actually mean to offend anyone. Also my emotions are all mixed up. I'm so emotional and sensitive when it comes to what people think of me, but on the other hand I feel like I could probably sell my own grandmother if I wanted to. It just doesn't seem normal, but I don't know what I should do to change things either. When surrounded by friends I feel lonely and leftover. When I try to go to sleep it gets even worse, which is why I usually stay up all night. Maybe I should just find a hole to hide in and never come out again? I just feel so tired of being so lonely, but unable to spend time with people without thinking they must actually hate me or at least think I'm disgusting.

I don't know what anyone could do with this information I've given, but hopefully someone can relate. I guess I'd like to know if there is someone out there who feels the same way at least. Does this sound like avoidant personality disorder to you?

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I wouldn't put too much stock into the Meyers-Briggs beyond much of a party game/for fun kind of thing. Psychology Today isn't exactly my favorite resource, but this is a pretty good rundown on how the MB fails to measure up: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/give-and-take/201309/goodbye-mbti-the-fad-won-t-die

 

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11 minutes ago, Wooster said:

I wouldn't put too much stock into the Meyers-Briggs beyond much of a party game/for fun kind of thing. Psychology Today isn't exactly my favorite resource, but this is a pretty good rundown on how the MB fails to measure up: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/give-and-take/201309/goodbye-mbti-the-fad-won-t-die

 

True. It's not reliable. Just desided to trow it out there since INTP personality description has so many similarities with avoidant personality disorder symptoms.

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Personality disorders are frequently co-morbid with other personality disorders, but that doesn't necessarily mean you have other PD's. I have OCPD and BPD (not AvPD sorry) and from personal experience, a lot of my anxieties stem from the OCPD. It sort of fuels everything. Perhaps getting an assessment could help, at least it might give you an idea as to what's actually causing these feelings. Sorry, I can't tell you whether it sounds like AvPD but it sounds like it's causing you a lot of grief regardless

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3 hours ago, ananke said:

Personality disorders are frequently co-morbid with other personality disorders, but that doesn't necessarily mean you have other PD's. I have OCPD and BPD (not AvPD sorry) and from personal experience, a lot of my anxieties stem from the OCPD. It sort of fuels everything. Perhaps getting an assessment could help, at least it might give you an idea as to what's actually causing these feelings. Sorry, I can't tell you whether it sounds like AvPD but it sounds like it's causing you a lot of grief regardless

Yeah, I'd like to get assessment, but unfortunately my nurse thinks I'm doing just fine since I can go months without visiting her. In reality I'm sure she thinks I'm stupid and worthless so I usually just avoid visiting her. Last time I actually saw her was a year ago. I originally was forced to get some help by my friends, since I didn't get any for myself since I was sure I didn't deserve to get help. My grades were failing, I was drinking too much and cutting, but my nurse was sure I was doing just fine even then since "you look so happy". She really didn't believe I was depressed, but after I made this test for depression, anxiety, OCD etc. and got marks for at least moderate depression. Not enough resources to give me teraphy since I'm not sick enough, but they gave me meds which I stopped taking two months ago (I gained 30kg while on them so I had to choose between my physical and mental health).

When I was in high school I actually tried to get some help since I had been bullied in school for 9years, but this psychologist I met said the same thing my nurse says even now. Somehow me being able to smile and laugh when visiting their offices made all my feelings of loneliness and worthlessness totally unvalid. And since my bullying was not physical "there's nothing we can really do about it" was all this psychologist said to me. After that I wasn't really keen on trying to get some help. :(

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If you pushed hard enough would you be able to access a therapist or pdoc? I don't think nurses can diagnose you and it might be worth getting it assessed. MH professionals should know better than 'oh you look fine guess everything's ok then'. Sounds like you've had nothing but unhelpful judgement so far :( 

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