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daisy

Well, managing drinking would be easy, but...

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Naltrexone has given me no urges to drink. I don't WANT alcohol anymore. But my habit could not care less about what I want.

The drug has helped, don't get me wrong. I no longer feel the need to drink to self-medicate my anxiety. I honestly just don't think about drinking at all until I get home in my chair, my fiancé is drinking, we're watching the news, and I feel like it's just TIME for me to have a drink even though I don't particularly want one. The drug has actually helped immensely, as I didn't think anything could get me to stop self-medicating my anxiety. 

I probably did something stupid today, but I wanted it done quicker rather than sooner. I had six drinks -- much more than I want to have -- but I finished my bottle of alcohol. On purpose. I can't drink anymore now. I do have a few other bottles of alcohol, but the mixers have so many more calories that I'm not willing to drink them unless it's a special occasion. And there are no special occasions in the near future. I probably should have poured my Jameson out instead of finishing the bottle. But I actually had a real moment of clarity once I poured the last shot glass into my glass -- this is it.  I'm not turning back. I'm officially REALLY cutting down.

Unfortunately, I made plans more than a week ago (before my plans came into effect) to have drinks with a friend tomorrow. I'm just going to drink slowly, drink little and blame it on driving, and since this is a newer friend, not bring attention to myself.

I feel that on Friday when I get home, I will have nothing to drink that I typically drink (though there will be alcohol), and I'll seek out another source of consumption that doesn't have so many calories. I don't know if my plan will work, but I am absolutely delighted that my Jameson is gone. (I thought of pouring it down the drain, but I know myself, and I would have thought it was a waste and would have just bought another bottle when there were only six drinks left in there to start with. Now I have no excuse of waste.)

I also see a therapist on Friday, and she has dealt with substance abuse issues. I don't have the urges. (The medication has made me realize that I actually don't typically have them anyways.) But I have the habit. I hope she can help me get out of that. Wish me luck!!!

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