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help.

I want to die.

life is painful

can't bear anyone looking at me. people staring at me, laughing. want to be safe.

hurts so much

want to hide.

don't have words

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

here no one is looking at you, just your beautiful buttercups.

i keep getting to there myself. i had bad visualizations and well. we won't go there.

what do imainge MIGHT help you feel safe right now?

people are here. we are not laughing.

I see your pain - it is real. it hurts so much. you CAN hang in. hold on.

keep talking

pj

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thanks......so very very much...

I am also trying not to cry more buckets of tears, as I am in a library....just cried buckets in therapy....nearly needed a bucket afterwards as I felt so sick, my therapist did offer me a bowl, and a drink of water, and asked several times if I needed to use the toilet.....but I wasn't quite so far into nausea, though I had an awful headache and felt well churned up.

its basically about her being away for a week the week after next, (as well as the halving of my efexor dose from tomorrow)....I expressed my anger with her, how much I wanted to hurt myself - and she described so accurately that that's the only way I have learned to cope, self destruction, and I said how I don't want to be that way....then I cried lots.....

I am scared she's away..scared she won't come back....scared......I told her all this...and how I sorted out all my pills this morning....and.....I'm just..scared......

if I could sleep that whole week through.......it hurts too much.

and being out in public is unbearable for me at the moment. more so than its ever been....was better the 1st week on efexor, and the first week on remeron, but after that its all still the same....flashbacks and terror......have come a long way in exploring this in therapy....but not far enough so I feel fully safe.

I'm lucky not to have landed up in hospital......

but......

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yesterday i was crying so hard i couldn't stop even though i tried. like my 'ON' switch was stuck to 'WAAAY ON'

it all can get so overwhelming it's hard to figure anything out - i'm in that kind of place. ack! so it might help to work out each thing in little bits with someone's help..

like your t being away. did she offer you any ideas on how to cope with her away? we can see about brainstorming here. it might seem like there's nothing, and that sleeping is the best thing. one thing i tried when i was between times seeing my t was to write letters to him. i was amazing how i felt like i was talking to him, even though it was typing and in my home not his office. just a thought.

the public thing is really difficult. if you don't feel safe (is it heightened jsut a little because t isn't around as a safety net?) then try to just be ok with not going out. i don't know a lot of your situation like if you have to work or where you live; things like order in groceries if you can do that.

... but what?

like your tag says, fragile but strong..

you ARE very very very strong.

pj

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Nestling,

Sending you a positive vibe right now. 

I was in your place last week.  The pain seems unending, but it comes in waves.  It NEVER feels like that when you are experiencing the pain.  But perspectives change with time....

And remember you are dealing with years of unexpressed emotional turmoil, and that can seem disorganized.  It's all coming up at once, which makes it near impossible to sort through and define exactly what you are feeling at each single moment.  That's the part the bugs me the most.

I'm here, PM me if you need to talk.  I forget it all the time, but the type of therapy you are doing is HARD WORK. 

I hope you find some peace, and know that you are in my thoughts today.

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thank you....I'm feeling a bit calmer now....my switch is waaaaay on today too.....ugg and its work tomorrow. but, if I'm feeling this fragile, the strong thing to do would be to take the day off, I think.

coping things? I have a long list of creative coping strategies from all the therapy breaks. she's never been away mid-term before, and right now is bad timing...(ANY time is bad timing, but now more than most)

I mentioned today that I wanted to giveher something of mine to look after while she is away......

I want to ask her if she'll be able to check her email (I'm assuming she's off on some conference thing....not too far away I hope) ......

She mentioned about sorting out people I have to support me during that week....but my GP is the only other person I'd trust (there isn't anyone else. no friends left. ) and I can only see her on a Friday. she's great is my GP, very grounding and reasuring. but there's the whole Friday night through to Friday morning to get through. ;)

I want to get in my therapist's luggage! she knows how much I need her, especially right now. there is noone else -in real time- who understands what I'm going through.

but I do have you people on CB.

for which I am very grateful.

"years of unexpressed emotional turmoil". very aptly put. I'm starting to express it now, and be heard and understood. it in itself can feel a little overwhelming....because of the inbuilt terror about it being like it always was, and ending in rejection again......

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thanks for replying, that means a lot to me.

I'm a bit calmer now, but then I'm at home, on CB, and have had my remeron......and its nearly bedtime. I've fallen asleep repeating my affirmations (from The Angry Heart) the past 2 nights.

am not sure whether to go into work tomorrow or not....right now I still feel too fragile and nervous. I don't know. wish there was a good mummy here to tell me to rest and look after me.....

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so, make a decision when you get up!  you don't really have to decide right now, do you?  you can even put your clothes out & make your lunch or whatever it is that you do, and just not go in if you don't feel like it.

THAT'S what MY inner mother is saying.....

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oh babe. i wish there were something we could do beyond just cyberlove.

even though it's really really horrible being alone for that time, it's good for you in a perverse way. you will make it through, even though it might suck mightily. and every time you survive the shitty times, it makes you stronger.

it's a terrible cliche, but it's all i have right now.

hold on honey.

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Guest ~Aurelie~

thank you both.

and, the shitty times do tend to last slightly less now than they used to, which is a blessing....

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

which just goes to show you are innately using your creative coping skills and having more belief in your own strength.

aww Katie, i had no idea you were going through this today. just found your post now after receiving your response in my thread, which lead me here to find you. i'm glad to find you are feeling a bit calmer now. CB has helped me enormously during times like this, and i'm glad you're feeling heard and comforted here.

take extra care of yourself today, and do what you need to do for yourself tomorrow regarding work. you come first.

warm thoughts,

aurelie

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;)

help.

I want to die.

life is painful

can't bear anyone looking at me. people staring at me, laughing. want to be safe.

hurts so much

want to hide.

don't have words

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Okay, this is your overbearing American self-appointed, unsolicited Mother speaking....lol...

I think for you to be even titrating off your anti-depressant is a baaaaaaaaaad idea.

You and everyone else can tell me to shut-up, but I have been where you are, and a med change, especially one going OFF, just does not seem advisable.

Having said that, I trust that you can take care of your self. It's just how much suffering do you NEED to bear?

Of course we are all here for you, but that's the thing about the kind of work you're doing right now. The PTSD can just slam you, out of nowhere, and leave you with nowhere to go. That coupled with the thought that your therapist and this online support group are your only means of support,make me very worried about messing with your medication. I really think you need to insist they leave it alone until you are further through your process.

All that is just my humble opinion, but I would just hate to see you set back, due to an unecessary cessation of ADs. I still don't understand why they are titrating you off them at all. Maybe that would help me.

But I'm worried about you contiuing the intense level of "uncovery" you are in, without proper psychopharmo support. I think that you are *properly* medicated is in large part what is making this uncovery process possible.

FWIW.

S9

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thank you.

hands a bit shaky and brain not awake properly yet, so not typing very well....

I slept well last night...which is why I'm up and at least trying to go into work today. If I get weepy and start freaking out again I'm going to plead sickness and come home. Hopefully sleep will have strengthened me some.....I don't want to 'have to' majorly dissociate to get through the day, so I'll have to be very attuned to how I'm feeling, and not push and hurt myself unnecessarily.

I totally get what you're saying about the efexor, S9, I don't quite get why I'm being taken off efexor. my last pdoc appointment was a bit rushed and weird, he had 2 medical students observing and I was in a strange mood. its only through the empathy of my GP that I'm getting the grace of a few weeks on 37.5. the first dose of which I have just taken.....I'm monitoring myself very carefully....because, you are totally right, without the level of medication I've been having, I wouldn't have been able to go near some of the emotions and memories I've touched and explored the past year.

maybe I'm stronger than I think....I probably am....I just want to ensure that its the 'right kind' of strength, not the pushing myself and struggling and keeping up a brave face when things are really awful....the way I survived through most of my childhood.

sometimes I wish my PTSD was medically accepted and acknowledged. not sure if that would make a difference though...

ok, off to work in about 30 minutes....will see how I go....

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maybe I'm stronger than I think....I probably am....I just want to ensure that its the 'right kind' of strength, not the pushing myself and struggling and keeping up a brave face when things are really awful....the way I survived through most of my childhood.

sometimes I wish my PTSD was medically accepted and acknowledged. not sure if that would make a difference though...

ok, off to work in about 30 minutes....will see how I go....

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Dearest Girl,

I used to be in love with a man who was working on his PhD in Chester, so I know to count 5 hours forward...otherwise, I would be lost...lol

I'm up very late, as you can do the math your self.

I want you to know, that, I can't say it enough, I'm here for you. If work is too much for you...go home. Your health and well being is what matters most now.

PTSD is one of the lesser accepted dx's globally, I would reckon, but it's accepted here. Sometimes we have to "suck it up" and just do what must be done in order to stay alive, a true hallmark of PTSD indeed, but if you can, take care of yourself and nurture yourself and heal yourself by taking the day off, by all means...

I'm finally winding down, my head full of my own ghosts, but fortunately or unfortunately other parts of my body have broken and rendered me disabled and I am no longer in the working world after 30 years, allowing me the freedom of choosing my hours of sleep more so than when I had a clock to punch.

Part of this journey includes times of confusion and, worse, doubts that we will "get through," but you will. I know. I can tell. It's the power of the aging crone in me that says, "this young one, this nestling, will make it."

Please do take GOOD care, and know, always, we are here.

Hugs.

S9

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Thank you S9. I really do appreciate it.

Ok, here is how today turned out-

I kept going through work until just after lunch. and they were talking about these ID photos we have to get done. anyway, that triggered me and I was already on the edge of breaking down.

As soon as I could, I escaped to the toilets and cried......and couldn't stop...my body was shaking as I was crying, and my hands going numb....it felt cathartic, that I am crying tears that have been locked away until now, and someone has taken off the protective constrictive brace around my body and mind that allows me to cry them.

But work isn't the best place to burst out in floods of tears. My manager spoke to me and let me have the rest of the day off, as leave for now, until agreed whether it counts as sickness leave or not. she has to get agreement from her manager. and I have 55 hours leave to use up anyway. (before the end of April)

But what really made me stirred up inside was when my manager asked me what support I'm having as I go through the withdrawal, and I said my therapist, and my manager then said well that''s not helping as you're so upset now. Um. So, I told her that my therapist is helping me express my feelings. there. that told her. I think she got the point then. *sigh*

She said, I'm not all cried out then? absolutely not.

Of course now the wave has calmed. now I know I'm safe. where I can take care of me and not pressurise myself. and take it from here.

But I need support. please.

When I've finished online,(I'm in another library, not the one where I work) I've some dinner to get. (soup again I expect) and then will go home and try and catch some sleep. I hope to come on again later this evening.

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Nestling....

Hang in there gal.  I'm rooting for you!

I'm a little confused too, maybe I missed a post.  I'm not pro medication.  If anything I have an aversion to anti-depressants (I'm on Zoloft though, it's a love/hate relationship)....but it seems like you are going through a VERY critical point in therapy right now, and I just don't understand why they would want you to come off meds at such a deep time during the process of sifting through the past?

my experiences with coming off of antidepressants is to be in a stable place, cause it is a rocky road. 

that's just my 2 cents.  but either way, we are all here for you. 

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Guest ~Aurelie~

hi nestling. glad things worked out and you are feeling safer. i know how awful it can be to suddenly unravel into a wave of tears and emotion while at work, and not be able to stop the flood. you handled it well with your manager!

yes go get some nourishing soup and get some peaceful slumber and come back and reconnect with us. you have a lot of people here behind you, thinking of you, caring about you.

xx

aurelie

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thanks themind, I appreciate it.

I am only coming off one of my ADs, efexor. I'm still taking remeron. and this is my first day on 37.5 mg efexor. was on 75 for a month, down from 150, which I'd been taking for just about a year. and this new dose isn't extended release. just google efexor withdrawal if you need to know what its like...thankfully what I'm going through isn't so bad as what some people have been through, but its bad enough. actually, I see how it has the potential to be therapeutic, I can have more of my real feelings accessible......but......

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