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Thoughts and reflections


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My therapist told me she can't stop me from self harming or starving myself those are my choices and she is right they are. She said I shouldn't feel ashamed of my self harm like I am it is part of who I am and she said maybe she shouldn't say yea ok self harm but if it's like not being told to me not to do it I will then have more freedom to not act out as it's me acting out showing my pain like my team knows and acknowledges it it's other people in my life who don't. She thinks I also need to accept who I am and stop trying to live up to people's expectations of me I am me and that is ok and I need to just be ok that I have a dark sense of humor I am not always happy and bubbly and I don't have to put on an act. It's exhausting. I thought about treatment and wonder if I actually utilized it which my therapist doesn't think I would but if I did and was able to leave work for a certain amount of time and do that and come back to my own classroom I would do it. And maybe even actually try especially if it is a trauma program maybe it would help. I haven't mentioned this to my therapist also if I could go back to living with my friend if god bless my parents cover what I need for the time hopefully not too long. I don't think I want that but it's the only thought I could come up with that might work...and I would be ok with but part of me is not sure I want to give up my eating disorder....

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