The last few days I have been dysphoric to an extent that I have not experienced in years, if ever. Everything feels wrong. The other day I thought about ending things because I didn't want to live in this body anymore. It was really just a passing thought and I didn't dwell on it too much, but I have never had suicidal thoughts because of dysphoria before.
I hate this.
I don't know what else to say. I don't know how to convey the strength of what I am feeling. It is intolerable. It's like being covered in bugs and being expected to just live with them constantly crawling on you. Except the bugs are actually part of you and tough luck you're stuck with them. It's wrong, and it's uncomfortable, and it hurts.
I am really dysphoric today. More than I have been in months. I fished out my binder for the first time in a while (it's super uncomfortable so I don't usually wear it) but it's almost worse with it on--it's a constant reminder that I am not how I want to be. In addition to being uncomfortable it doesn't work as well as I would like it too--my chest is too big.
In order to deal with the depression that comes along with feeling really dysphoric I bought myself a pair of men's pants, a vest, and a button down shirt with my aunt's Kohl's card. Not the best way of dealing, but hey it's better than some things I've done in the past.
I think when my aunt gets home from work I am going to talk to her about going back to see Dr. Inker, the doctor at the trans health clinic. I need her to drive me, and Dr. Inker is usually booked pretty far in advance, so if I want to see her sometime this fall I need to make an appointment now. I know going on T won't fix everything, but if it will help me feel more comfortable with myself and how others perceive me than I have no reason not to go ahead with it.
The one good thing about feeling this dysphoric is that it makes going on T feel even more necessary, and I can't start T unless I am stable. So that is serious incentive to follow my safety plan and not relapse with the SI.
In one of my classes, we discussed whether or not a Gender and Women’s Studies class should be a general education requirement. As the class is primarily women, the resounding answer was “Yes”. I know not everyone will agree with this sentiment, but I beg you to listen to the reasoning anyway.
Almost half of the student population is female, so why isn’t women’s history or gender studies part of the curriculum for every student? History majors don’t even need to know women’s history – US minorities is a requirement, but many students can pass by the women’s studies programs completely. Even as history majors, naming famous women can become a bit of a task; we can name queens, suffragists, president’s wives, and maybe some individual women who really helped change society (Joan of Arc comes to mind). Many courses might mention women but only in passing, and they are often mentioned with a more famous man. With an additional requirement (or even just adding women’s history to one of the pre-existing requirements), I feel that all students will get a more well-rounded education, which is necessary in our changing society. Women have always been a quiet defender of others’ rights. We fight for civil rights, gay rights, and animal rights while still fighting for our own. Unfortunately, we still have a long way to go. Creating an additional requirement of women’s studies is not going to prolong the educational process – in fact, it is likely to enhance our education. Students will probably complain, but in the end it would benefit our lives. Half of the population is female, so learning about that part history is far from useless.
As Virginia Woolf so eloquently stated, “For most of history, Anonymous was a woman.” It is my hope that we don’t spend the rest of history anonymous. Let women learn their history, so that we don’t repeat it. Let men learn women’s history, so that a greater understanding between the sexes can be found. Let’s not forget our LGBT brothers and sisters – women’s history (or gender studies) will include them in a way that most histories fail to do. If history covers everything, why do we fail to have a requirement that gives us a chance to reach a greater understand of our society, our world, and more importantly, ourselves?