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Mimsy

Husband doesn't understand me being genderqueer

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I had somewhat of an argument tonight with my husband. Within the last three years, I've come to realize that I'm non-binary, and have currently settled on using genderqueer as my identity. My husband knows this, but is not comfortable with it, in a way that he's not openly against it, but doesn't really understand and is hesitant to learn or talk to me about it. This issue came about as we're looking for a girlfriend and he doesn't think I should identify as genderqueer on a dating site, as he thinks it will hurt our chances. I was very upset by this, as it makes me feel like he thinks I should lie about my identity to get girls to be interested in us, and he thinks it's more important to get a girlfriend than for me to be honest, open and comfortable with myself. His logic was also that he wouldn't have been as interested in me if I had said I was genderqueer when  we started dating (5 years ago).  We discussed it and I basically said that he needs to get more comfortable by either talking to me about it or researching it himself. I don't really know what else to do in this situation, since I'm not open to very many people. Does anyone know of any good resources, or just advice for me?

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Disclaimer: Gender identity isn't really a topic that has been a significant part of my life, but I just wanted to respond and offer what I could :)

I think when a certain issue finally starts to be acknowledged and discussed a lot, it frees so many people into opening up or exploring themselves more deeply. But then there's also the backlash from people who are indifferent/ignorant and removed from the whole topic, and so just assume that's it's a non-issue across the board.  Obviously I'm not suggesting your husband is like that, but I think if you explain what it means to you, and search out some articles from a source he trusts, he may well be more receptive.

You may have been making changes to your appearance or pursuing different interests that you had previously felt prevented from doing in some way, but you're still you. Well -- even more you!

So, in a way, it's possibly more semantics that is jarring him?  Maybe he just needs to look at it in a different light.  Or maybe he's just afraid of you both feeling alienated from other people as a result of their lack of knowledge?

Again, I'm always interested in people's experiences and the topic of self-identity, but this is not MY topic.  So hopefully someone more knowledgeable can help you.  Best wishes

Edited by theredthread

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