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Too direct and blunt!?


madmax15
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Madmax, you need therapy to learn social skills. We've told you that many, many times. Nothing has changed, and you are not getting the kind of therapy you need There is a limit  as to what people on the internet can do. We cannot see, for example, facial expressions, intonation, etc.

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Bluntness. Being direct. Lacking tactfulness.

With the amount of devestation this one trait has amassed throughout my life, it should be its own individual diagnosis that automatically comes with a referral to surgically modify my face to install a zipper on my lips with a time delay locking mechanism to release it.

I have absolutely zero patience with (or ability to ignore) the contradictions that jump out at me when associating with humanity. 

I do not have whatever gift it takes to be tactful, or politically correct, or just nod along with calm indifference when anybody is using the power of their position to judge my thoughts, actions, or decisions. Instead, I see right through it all, call people out on their wishy-washy perspective, and challenge people to commit to their beliefs. Their reaction is always the same whenever the confrontation becomes unavoidable. They get defensive, illogical, desperate to cling to their delusion of it all, and exploit my focus on exposing the truth as if my stubbornness is some kind of threat to society. 

I have lost jobs because of it, lost parental rights to my children because of it, lost my freedom and sat in jail many time because of it. 

Challenging people in positions of authority comes with an insane amount of negative consequences. That is the lesson I can not seem to ever learn.

Therapy? Medication? Treatment? If we, as individuals, can't fit ourselves into that magical, invisible box where our thoughts, actions, and decisions no longer become a target for the collective scorn of those who we intimidate by being defiant, the cycle never ends. 

There is no middle ground. There is no compromise. In the end, we are all stuck with the same decision to make. As individuals, we are all just a rain drop in the vast ocean. One drop can not make the water rise, or change the temperature. It all becomes a simple matter of adapting to the environment. Some of us are a drop of oil who don't mix well and can't be absorbed within the tide without completely sacrificing our identity in the process.

The truth becomes irrelevant. Doesn't matter how right, or passionate, or justified, or outspoken anybody who opposes the establishment is. 

Conform. Comply.. or Suffer. 

In my mind, I am deemed mentally ill mostly because I refuse to accept that reality. A drop of oil in the ocean longing for acceptance by an environment programmed to cast me away. Such a powerful delusion. 

In the 20 years since my diagnosis, the intensity of my symptoms perfectly align with the amount of pressure I feel to conform to the demands of others - at the expense of sacrificing my own identity and having my soul be ripped away by jaded people who see no value in it. 

Not that it matters, but.. this is the ramblings of somebody who has an IQ that many can only dream of. It is a curse. If I wasn't so smart, I wouldn't see all the contradictions. I wouldn't intimidate anybody by challenging them. I would conform and comply, go to therapy, take my meds, and learn to drift along invisible in the tide, blissfully ignorant of the petty games we are all forced to play in order to survive.

Being blunt exposes a person. They stand out. They become a target. Perhaps that is the pressure you feel? 

Once the stakes get high enough.. If you go your own way, those who get left behind label you a snobby narcissist. If you cave in to the pressure, it crushes your pride to feel like a martyr for conforming to what you don't believe. Life is such an intricate balancing act.

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5 hours ago, Mogli said:

The question is, are you sticking up for what you think is true and real, or trying to impose your idea of reality on someone else. I think a lot of times, we do the former but it gets perceived as the latter.

Just an example of something I would say would be something like "If you don't respect me why should I respect you?!"

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2 minutes ago, madmax15 said:

Just an example of something I would say would be something like "If you don't respect me why should I respect you?!"

That would be ok if in fact they were really disrespecting you. But you've got to be sure of it before saying something like that. Maybe they weren't really disrespecting you or meaning anything bad towards you in which case you would come off as an asshole.

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51 minutes ago, madmax15 said:

Just an example of something I would say would be something like "If you don't respect me why should I respect you?!"

My first thought is, but then you'd be admitting that this person has the power to affect or change the way you act toward them. I personally don't even want them to think they're affecting me at all.

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1 hour ago, madmax15 said:

"If you don't like it that's your problem!"

It's impossible to analyze every statement in the abstract. Context is everything. This is why you need social skills counseling. 

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Everybody lives in their own unique headspace. Each individuals perception of people, events, emotions, and intentions has been formed through lessons learned in their own life. People are molded by experience. No two people on this planet walk the same path. 

With that in mind, there is a huge amount of pressure to not be seen as the person who makes waves. 

My own lack of social skills may be incredibly frustrating to a lot of people, but.. I rationalize it in a wierd way. I would rather NOT fit in, than to ever change what defines my identity and pretend to be somebody I am not, just for the sake of earning the approval of people who seek to manipulate my identity only to feel better about themselves. 

The consequence is.. scaring away the ever so critical social network runs from the bitter, resentful version of myself that replaced the stressed out bobble-head I once was. Trying to please the world is hard work! 

I have learned to avoid measuring my success in life by the amount of people getting in line to ask for favors. Freedom from influence is empowering.

People come and people go. The only exception to that is the reflection in the mirror. Find peace from within. Do whatever works for you. 

In a public forum setting, that entire principle goes against the conventional wisdom where your happiness is a reflection of everybody elses opinion of what happiness means.. to them.

If being a jerk protects you from the consequence of being betrayed by people you can't see eye to eye with, changing how you think, or behave, or react, in order to be more appealing to them has its own downfall. 

Some people like banana and pickle sandwiches. Some people like grilled cheese. Some people like peanut butter and jelly. Some people don't like sandwiches at all and eat only vegetables? Mix the ingredients on the same plate to please everybody, and everybody turns their nose up. Being bold and direct is percieved to be a lot like forcing people to eat that nasty mystery platter. Mastering social skills is the solution. Figuring out who likes what, or what they want, or how they like it, or when they want it. I say Nooooooo.. to the anxiety of it all.

I like my bold and direct qualities. I like being extremely difficult to approach or relate to. Why? Because if anybody can get through that wall, they have proven themselves to be somebody I can trust. This is a society riddled with selfish entitlement. Everybody wants something for nothing. By encouraging people to earn your trust, that investment gains value. Doesn't matter who they are. Coworker. Therapist. Psychologist. Psychiatrist. Family... random internet strangers.

Find an environment where being direct and blunt is seen as an asset rather than a liability. You have a gift. Rather than question how everybody else may want to offer advice to change who you are.. Embrace it. Blogging? Movie, restaurant, hotel, cruise ship, entertainment critic. Mystery shopper. Real estate. Activism. Research analyst. There are lots of occupations out there that are perfect for people who lack the capacity to candy coat things.

Nothing is more empowering than self-sufficiency. True freedom is the ability to ignore the people who expose their own insecurities by finding fault with how you present yourself. 

As long as the treatment is focused on the individual (rather than creating a robotic cookie cutter model perfect fit in the box human), I have nothing against therapy or medication at all. Sadly though, for the rebellious and outspoken types, the job security of many therapists is dependant on their ability to reprogram what defines us.

I tried to keep this reply short. Saying, 'life would be so much easier if we obediently sell out to our peers'.. Well, no. That is the definition of delusional.

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  • 2 weeks later...

There's a difference between "selling out to our peers" and not being a jerk to people. I agree, madmax, with jt07's suggestion for social skills counseling--that is a really good suggestion. Being honest with the world does not mean that you have to say everything you think, in any way you please, at any time, to any one. Because human interaction is so contextual, it is going to take practice--like social skills counseling. Lots of folks care about the people in their lives so they learn about when/how to deploy their criticism and praise in constructive ways. This doesn't make them less honest--nor does it mean that they have to put up with violations of their boundaries, people who hurt them, things that are wrong, etc. It gives them more tools to use when they interact with their world. I've found that talking over social interactions with a therapist can really help my anxiety and fear and help me with future interactions. It just takes a lot of practice.

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