I have been quite depressed lately over loosing friends and even family. While my relationship with my fiance seems to have been saved (he has been going to therapy, taking meds, been much happier, sweeter, supportive, and at least trying very hard to be understanding of my emotional self which makes me very happy), all my other relationships seem to be falling into shambles.
I will start off with my dad. We were very close until I became a very troubled teenager. He tried to gain custody, but I refused to go due to the emotional stress it was causing. An ex-wife he always sided with to get some tail furthered the rift between us. Also my mom's hatred for him he assumes has tainted my view of him despite what I tell him and no matter how many times I tell him other wise. Anyway, I really like his current wife and we talk a lot when ever I go visit. However, there are some things she told me I wish she had kept to herself, but I understand she wanted to vent to someone as well. We are the same age, and both know him quite well. They have been having some problems and I am not sure if they will make it. Anyway, I learned that he feels he is nothing more than a sperm donor to me. That if I was not a Christian (which I am not, but that is a secret) or a lesbian I would be disowned. I really feel for anyone having to deal with that who have come out to their families. Just saying, I am so sorry to anyone who has to live with that. However, she also ranted on how hypocritical he is as a porn addict he loves watching two girls more than anything. Hm. Anyway, during my last visit he was quite a jerk to me. Nothing nice was ever spoken. He told me I never take care of my child even though I did so the entire time I was there. He put me down telling me everything I was doing wrong, and smirked shaking his head at my comments to what I do or what I think should be done. I just cannot handle him anymore. He has two new kids, and I honestly think he will be close with them until they become adults like with me. As long as they agree with him, they will be fine. It depends on how much he brainwashes them into agreeing with everything he says. He always tells me that if I think anything different than him then I must be some sheep believing the media, when I just do my own research and make my own opinions.
All my friends are pretty busy. Life calls, I understand, but it is difficult to bear at times when I never see anyone. And I do mean never no matter how hard we all try. They work many jobs and are struggling to keep their heads above the water, so I completely understand and go to them when I can. However, it is very difficult with a toddler. I get tired of always being the one to go to them when it is so much easier for them to come to me (we live 2 hours a part). My best friend has never once come to see me in my town. She also lives two hours away. For years I drive to see her. Even right after my baby was born, I packed his things and went over there fighting the hassle of the pack n play, the many cans of formula, him having trouble in a strange home, etc. I do it since she helps with gas, lets us stay for a while, and we have tons of fun. However, those times I can drive out there now are pretty few between classes and a toddler. Plus, she has a job now and works a lot. I get it, but things got really bad lately. She found this girl she works with and has become incredibly close with. Honestly, at first I was not at all jealous. I did not like the girl very much because she hates being around kids and it made me feel bad. Plus, she used the excuse of anxiety which I never get to use even though I have severe problems with it and am hospitalized because of it at least once every year from the havoc it wrecks on my body. I told her I wasn't crazy about all that, but I didn't know her well enough to really say if I liked her or not, just that I was not comfortable that she did like kids. Like I said, it made me feel bad for some reason since I never planned on ever having any and I suffer with post-partum depression that has not yet fully subsided.
Anyway, as time goes on they spend more and more time together, and of course I am never invited. I used to always be allowed to go over to her home whenever i wanted. I got a key, know the code and everything. I have been over there when everyone had to work and played with the cats/just chilled with my son, whatever. I had a rough patch with my fiance and needed space. I had no where to go except to her place and asked if I could come over, or even if she wanted to come over to see me. For the first time she told me no because she had to work. That never stopped me before, so I got my feelings hurt. I didn't say anything except okay, and that I understand. I went to some of my other friends for help, thanked them publicly for their help and she became offended that I did not thank her too even though she didn't do a damn thing to help. I understand if she was too busy, but I am swallowing my own forming jealousy of her new friend because that makes he happy, so I figured she should do the same for me. Perhaps that was wrong of me, but when she called me out on it, I called her out on leaving me out of things and I felt the distance between us widen. After that I asked her again because I still needed help. The answer again was no because she was sick. So I left it alone. Now, I got a new phone since my old one got fried. I asked everyone for their phone numbers or to text me so I have it. She told me to message her on fb instead because her phone was messing up and she is getting a new one soon. I mean, she would still have the same number so wtf? I could message her online and still have her number for when she got her phone.
She hates drama. I know she thinks I am full of it with the challenges in my relationship and my difficulties with the part-partum depression. She tends to be the friend to try and cheer you up if you feel bad and not talk much about it. I've always been fine with that since she always does a great job, and distractions work best for me. For her too, so it was something that always worked. Now, even though all I want is that distraction again, I am being shunned. Yeah, perhaps I talked too much about my problems the last time we hung out. I was struggling. Is my sensitivity really that bad that people want to avoid me?
I've tried making other friends, but it just has not been going well. I am shy around people I do not know. I don't get along with most people just because I don't share "normal" interests. Loosing all these people are just making me really depressed, and I never feel like doing anything.
I’m caught up between my boyfriend and my ex.
I spent the night with my ex the other night due to some family issues and I just needed out of the house. My ex is caught up into some bad stuff. Drugs, selling, drinking, smoking weed. There’s never really a time he’s TRULY sober. When I spent the night my boyfriend didn’t want us sharing the bed, but we did. His excuse was I don’t want another man in bed with my girlfriend yet his friend laid on the bed when he left so we could watch OITNB together. My ex cuddled me that night, and started to get me in the mood by rubbing my legs….it felt so amazing but I didn’t give in. I even had him meet my boyfriend before that night so he’d know who I was staying the night with. I fantasized about my ex, I still do, I just wanted his hands and lips all over my body…..but he screwed me over in the past when he left me for his ex. Last night, I got into it with my boyfriend. I put everything on the table. He knows I still like my ex and redeveloped feelings for him. I didn’t plan to, no one plans these things. My boyfriend is very shy and reserved. And totally not confrontational, so that’s something that doesn’t make me feel safe….what if something were to happen and I needed him to defend me? He’s so sweet and god to me. He reminds me how beautiful I am. He helps me with my family issues and my anxiety and depression. Etc. Last night when I was upset and crying I was at a friends house, and he was going to walk there when I was upset in the wee hours of the morning so I’d feel better. I wanted him or my ex. No one else… I see my boyfriend and I having a life together, kids, etc. He works, he doesn’t do drugs anymore, and he’s an overall good guy. I got mad at him for not ever getting mad at me for one, last night. Because of what happened with my ex and I. He said it’s because he trusts me, which is great but he can still get mad….I didn’t do anything with my ex. Believe me, I wanted to. But I held off….right now my ex and I are kind of mad at each other, again. We do this every time. We fight, forgive each other and are fine again. And it’s over and over….My BPD makes me attach to people easily, so when one person isn’t giving me attention and someone else is, there I go getting attached. My boyfriend’s roommate won’t let me see him at their place anymore, he’s working when I’m not. Or I’m in school when he’s not working. One of us is in the mood when the other isn’t. He’s the first and only guy I’ve slept with and my first real adult relationship. I’m his first girlfriend since he is so quiet and reserved too./….I don’t wanna give my boyfriend up because I’m pretty sure guys like him are dime a dozen and I don’t think I could find that again. I’m totally comfortable around him too. I’m semi comfortable with my ex since we didn’t last as long….this is also the longest relationship I’ve had. Coming up to a year…
What should I do…? I feel like I’m hurting him…
Just started watching a new TV series called The Black Box about a bipolar world-renowned female neurologist (referred to as the Marco Polo of the brain). She is non-compliant with her medications and other than her psychiatrist and her brother, no one knows she is bipolar, including her boyfriend of one year.
Thought I'd mention it in case anyone's interested. I'm curious to see what anyone else thinks of it.