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I guess I just need support...

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I relapsed yesterday. I felt it coming for a few weeks and I managed to distract myself. Yesterday everything just got a little bit too much for me to handle. I've been clean for almost a year before that (or so I think). And now I'm scared of how my bf will react. We got into a huge fight yesterday, over nothing, and luckily that ment that he hasn't seen my relapse yet. I wanted to tell him, but I was too scared. We barley talked yesterday after the fight and today. And I feel as if he's slipping away from me. I know I'm at fault here, it was my fault we got into the damn fight, and I apologized, but I think I've just done it one to many times for him to forgive me. And if you ask me what the fight was about, I can't tell you, because it was that unimportant. I saw the hurt in his eyes, and he kept pushing me away and I was so scared of losing him so I just kept pushing myself onto him.

I want to do it so badly again today and tomorrow and for the rest of life, but I know I deserve better. It's just that cutting is such a comfort blanket for me, it has helped keep me alive through the years and it's something I don't think I will ever recover from. And that kills me more than anything. With every relapse I know what will follow.

The last time I relapsed, it was really really bad. The worst actually. And it was almost a year ago (11months to be exact). And it was also the time when I had to come clean to him about my relapse and struggles. And it was bad. It was really bad. He kept checking on me, wanting to see I didn't do it again. And I didn't until yesterday because I was so scared of what I could do to myself. And once he sees my relapse now, I know all hell will break loose. I don't want to hurt him with it.

This time period right now is the hardest for me, it's my grandads death anniversary and I'm just a mess. And I don't want to burden him with it all, because there's only so much that he can say or do to make me feel better. But I know that nothing really will. 

I guess I should give him a chance at trying to accept it, but.. will this happen everytime I relapse? He doesn't like me doing it, he has no idea how long I've been thinking about it, dreaming about it, scaring myself with it. Until I finally couldn't fight anymore. And I'm scared that by me not wanting to talk about it, or even giving him any clue as to what is really going on in my head, I've pushed him to far. I've made myself unavaliable and he's just giving up on me. I don't want to loose him. I can't live without him. I know we're ment to be. I'm not saying that in a crazy gf way, it's just the way it is. I don't see myself with anyone else. He's the one for me. I guess I should tell him that more often. 

Sorry for the ramble, just need some words of support and some new perspective on the situation as I can't figure it out on my own...

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23 hours ago, looking for answers said:

This isny about him, its about you. It sounds like all hell will break loose because he cares deeply about you.. He doesnt want to see you hurt, and for it to ever go to far. You need to have an open and honest discussion of your thoughts with him IMHO.........

Thank you for replying. I will tomorrow, I've been working nights these past 2 days, but after my shift tomorrow I'm going to see him. 

I think the relapse won't be the topic of discussion, it'll be other things like if he still wants to stay with me or not. 

I'm numb by this point already. Relapsed again today, so I don't really see myself stopping anytime soon.

I don't want to tell him, because it might make him feel like he needs to stay with me because of my relapse. If he doesn't want to, I won't push him to stay. Even though I don't see myself with anybody else, I will respect his wishes. And I feel like by telling him about it, he'll feel obliged to stay with me. And that's not a relationship that is going to work.

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I don't want to pressure him into staying. I don't know. I'll decide when I go to him when he wakes up. 

Thank you for replying, I'm honestly really lost atm..

3 hours ago, looking for answers said:

see, it may be me, and others may want to chime in, BUt i think you need to be 100% honest, about it, ALL


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On 8. 10. 2017 at 10:45 PM, Wooster said:

So how'd it turn out? What did you decide to do?

Sorry for the late reply. Everything turned out ok. We talked it all over. We spent over 3 hours just talking, me crying a lot, telling him everything. He was totally understanding. It ended in me showing him my journal, for the parts that were hard for me to say out loud. 

I'm glad we talked it over. Now we have to take care that something like this doesn't happen again..

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