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Is this really me..


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Well, I think I am normally decent to people, I really do. Or I attempt it.

First off my shocks on my car are needing replaced, so I am forced to drive slower than I usually do. This person in back of me the other night, blew their horn and when i looked in the mirror, they motioned for me to go faster..like I HAD to...cause they said so. I was going the speed limit, btw. So I flipped them off.

Just a while ago, I was leaving the grocery store and I didn't feel like moving the fucking cart an aisle over as it is in the low 20's here. So I placed it so that someone COULD still park there, and I backed out of the space to leave.

Well this old man.. starts POINTING at the cart.

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Heya Cat,

Rage, road rage, parking lot rage, been there, done that, bought the Tshirt, will probably go back again.

For me this is a mix of BP and ...

BP is largely tx'd at this point anyway by Lamictal.

The rage I think is mostly coming from pain, disappointment, fear, frustration.

Road rage for me I think is coming from fear (the guy will run me over, esp. when I look out my back window and can't see anything but the grille of the transport bearing down on me) and frustration (the opposite -- get out of my way, I'm late, I'm missing my exit) -- which really are both my *own* poor planning.

No answers on your *own* rage.

You have to figure it out, and so do I.

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Thanks Shirley and ncc.

Now if that had happened today..I would have not reacted the same. Mainly because I am too exhausted from being ill. Maybe that's what was driving me yesterday with the old guy.

I found it also weird that in two days, I had someone instructing me to drive faster, and then had someone get out of their car..pointing at

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I wouldn't cut down the Xanax unless you have something else to subsitute.

My SIL is very anxious, quick tempered, rage of every kind, some kind of undiagnosed something, and she takes Lexapro.  Just a small dose and she is a nice person.  It's a miracle.

She's not BP, but I know a lot of BPs can handle a small dosage of Lex. together with whatever a/c they take.

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I'm prolly gonna get yelled at for this comment, but:

Screw those people.

It wasn't their damn place to give you orders or otherwise comment on anything you did.

I used to try to just go through the motions and accept any crap anyone told me, now I'm a much happier person for learning the phrase 'Fuck you and anyone who looks like you.'

Half of the stress the world causes is because people somehow think they're entitled to tell you what to do or think you should tell them what to do. (I refuse to have any part in either.)

On the other hand, if you asked people here to describe me, I'm usually said to be one of the nicest people they've ever met that'll go out of his way to help people in any way he can.

As long as they don't overstep their place and give me an order. ;)

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Thank You, Seldarin..and i will be the LAST person to ever yell at your answer.

I was thinking quite the same actually. You just said it for me, and much better.

Sometimes I have trouble communicating what I really need to say..putting sentences together.

I went for so long never saying a word, following stupid orders and I think I have had it. It isn't anything an AD can fix..in fact..I can't take them at all.

Xanax has made me feel better today.

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Right on, Seldarin.  Sure, maybe you overreacted a little, Blackcat, and maybe you're feeling crappy about your reaction a little bit too long.  But both of those people behaved more badly than you.  Shame on them!  And try to stop beating up on yourself!

One of the ways I know I'm doing better than before is that I have much less road rage.  I still get annoyed by bad driving or rude people.  My worst is actually food shopping--I was at Costco yesterday and people kept just stopping in front of me in the middle of the aisle with their whole family clustered around them.  A little bit of muttering under my breath ensued but it passed quickly.  And I got in a car wreck on Saturday and was over the guilt and self-flagellation by late in the evening.  I still feel bad about it (it was completely my fault), but I'm not full of shame or self-loathing and I don't think I should never have any responsibility again, which is how I would have felt before. 

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I told two people to "Go fuck themselves" today.  I'm mildly depressed and managed to drag myself to work.  On the way I encountered not one, but TWO dickheads on the subway. 

I have no remorse.  People suck.  I wish I never had to leave the house.

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Assignments are uncomfortable, but since you're a new patient, maybe she wants you to bring stuff back so she sees how you react to these questions and can get to know you better.  Especially if you're acting nervous in session; she almost certainly could tell.  IMHO, doing the assignment wrong is better than not doing it at all.  It will give you guys something on paper that you can talk about, which will focus the session, which may make you more comfortable.

Good luck!

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I bet she probably did do the assignment thing to get to know me better. I will do it. Just will try an dfigure out half of what she might want, I guess.

I am sliding DOWN right now. I am not blaming her..but it was alot ..felt like I was on the witness stand. She is nice..that's just how I react to lots of questions. It triggered me.

I feel like crying all  day and just generally like shit. I want to disappear, no phone ringing, nothing.

I feel fucked.

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Wow, I'm sorry you're sinking, BlackCat.  It's hard to start talking with a therapist.  In my case I found it shocking to hear myself describe how I felt, very scary to have someone listening so carefully, and depressing to realize that I did indeed have something seriously wrong with my head.  And that was just starting therapy; the BP diagnosis came much later.  Of course therapy can be triggering, especially at first and whenever you're close to a breakthrough.  It will calm down with time.  And if it turns out that she is actually not the right therapist for you, there are others, and you will find the right one.

Another thing I found is that once I was stable on medications I could handle the stuff that came up in therapy a lot better, and could work harder on more difficult stuff.  So there's certainly a lot of hope for this process.

Hang in there.  Remember that these are feelings, that it's OK to have them, and that by definition they will pass.  Be nice to yourself.  If nothing else I find that ice cream often helps.  Or zuccini fries.  OK, I've got an eating disorder, so I often turn to comfort food.  But you get the idea--baths, candles, music, cuddling with an animal, even vegging out in front of the TV.  Watch the Olympics and cry for the people trying so hard to win and the underdogs who do win.  Do what it takes to get through it, then talk about it at your next visit. 

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All herrfous can say is that he knows exactly how that feels.

What people think is "really" me is the nicest, most awesome guy ever.  And generally, I can fit that image without too much trouble.  I'm really too nice for my own good (though, in a gentile manner... I can be a 'velvet hammer', especially when I'm serious about helping out my friends and relatives.)

When I'm very ticked but just extremely annoyed there (example: the time back in June '05 when I stopped while making a right turn to let pedestrians cross, at which point the woman behind me began furiously honking at me and screaming), I am known to give 'the bird', as we say in the US.  My car at that time had a sunroof, so I gave it to her through the roof.  It was quite creative, and I was proud of myself. =D

Everybody saw a different side of me the last two weeks before Dr. Fine-Quartz-in-the-Birth Canal decided to verbally abuse me, a hundred times worse than my BPII-BPD mother ever did; and moreso the day she outright fired my butt, with a scathing review of my performance in the end (which by the way, until the 2 weeks prior to my firing (at which time I'd suffered my first attack of MS), she'd absolutely loved me).

Somewhat unfortunately, the night before I got fired, was when my depression decided to turn to hypomania.  So instead of being a depressed sod who was sad as all hell that he was fired, I turned into a raving looney (not the $1 Canadian coin).  Actually, the now ex-boss was Canadian, and I supported throwing her in the Loony bin (either inpatient psychiatry at GBMC, or alternately, the $1-CDN toll basket on the Niagara Rainbow Bridge; both are loony bins). 

Literally, in my hypomania, after The Firing , I was running around to every friend who, in real life, AIM, and email, would listen, screaming at the top of my lungs about "THAT GODDAMN FUCKING C*NT".  (Or all in caps, hehe.)  I called my parents the day I was fired, and screamed semi-incoherently to them... even my own mother told me to calm down! (The situation, for the past 22 years, had always been the exact reverse!!!) I'd even start raving to people who'd rather not listen, such as my roommates.  And that's ;) also about the time where I slashed myself up so badly that I was bleeding everywhere on the floor.  It was noticeable enough that I was trying to soak up blood spilling all over the hallway as I ran to the bathroom, that my roommates complained and tried to get me kicked out of the house. :) .  Then, I was a frank alcoholic for a couple months after (now have reduced to borderline-alcohol dependency, thank God).  And no, I didn't get kicked out of the house, I calmed down after a couple weeks, especially after my parents called me (they're my roommates' emergency contact) and told me they wanted me out of the house. :-X  At least that didn't drive me batshittier than I was already!!!!

so uhhhhhhhh yeah... TAKE HOME POINT:  THE M.I., YOU AND I, AND 'MENTALLY NORMAL' INDIVIDUALS AS WELL, CAN TURN INTO PEOPLE WHO JUST 'AREN'T OURSELVES' AT ANY POINT.  THEN, WE CAN BE SERIOUS ASSHOLES.

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I am feeling seriously screwed and I can feel myself going into that mood where I just isolate from the "real world". Crap, just when you think you were relatively stable. Should have know something was up after the parking lot/driving incidents.

I feel very sad right now and it isn't meds. I  just came from the Pdoc.

Ha..maybe that's why.

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Ok dig this shit...i called my Pdoc Mon after a horrible episode Sun night. I thought my brother wanted me dead..told my friend that. he said call your doc asap.

I called, went in as an emergency patient and after I tell her what hell I have been through..starts talking about hobbies? Where is my purpose in life..do I have any?

Do I knit, crochet?

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OK.  Alright.  Maybe you do need something interesting to do that makes you feel more useful and engaged with the world.  Sure.

But shit, how are you supposed to get interested in something if the things your brain is doing are commanding all of your attention?  It's not like talk therapy is useless when you're not stable; ideally it can ease the panic and give you some coping skills.  But telling you to get a hobby isn't teaching you a coping skill.  My personal belief is that meds rarely can solve our problems; they are a tool to make you able to face them.  I would never consider abandoning therapy.  When I'm doing better I expect to be able to go every 2-4 weeks for a therapeutic tune-up, but I've got so man PTSD and neglect/abuse issues that I'm not even guessing when that will be.

My humble suggestion is to find a pdoc who specializes in med management.  Then find a therapist who will 1) do cognitive therapy and 2) do some talk therapy to deal with psychological issues.  Cognitive therapy is fantastic; even when I was whacked out my therapist helped me with thinking issues which got me through some of my worst unstable times.  And in my view it's better to have the doc doing med management be an expert at diagnosis and treatment of your brain interestingness.

Hang in there.  Start shopping.  You deserve more skilled attention than this.

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