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Well, I did it


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I have been taking Lamictal and Klonopin, but am still depressed and was trying to increase my lamictal.  I guess I went into a mixed state.  Anyway, I decided to take a bunch of klonopin, xanax (I had from an old prescription), and to top it off some vicodin.  Well, obviously I didn't do enough to kill myself (my intention I suppose, who knows?), but I spent 24 hours in two different ERs trying to convince them not be commit me.  I finally did with the help of my psychiatrist who doesn't have hospital privleges.  Didn't know that.

Anyway, my point.  I can't type worth a damn and I still can't walk without looking like I'm drunk.  My speech is also a little slurred.

How long do you suppose this stuff is going to reamin with me?

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Oh, my husband is watching me.  Like Nurse Ratchet.  He even has all my pills locked up somewhere except what's in my little case for the week.

I could kill him for treating me this way, but I guess I'm safe.

But he's just trying to pretend all the other stuff isn't happening.

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Heya Shirley,

This is a few hours later.

But.

Your DH is (and it's bloody hard for him) doing what you need him to do.

We get suicidal sometimes.

Me too, although not for a long time, knock-on-wood.

He's protecting you the way he knows how.

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Shirley,

I am sorry you are going through this, too.

And I know this doesn't help..but I think your husband is probably feeling helpless and doing all he knows to do. When my hubby was really worried on my cutting, he made me watch a Lifetime movie on SI ..like that would stop me.

I 'm sorry..this is probably not helping.

I would rather your hubby watched over you than no one though..I'll be thinking about you and like ncc said, if you feel suicidal again, call the hospital..don't take any chances.

Thinking of you...

~BC

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Thanks everyone for your responses.  I guess the meds are wearing off because I'm feeling more steady.

I was so depressed last night that I called a psy practice out of town which an old psy had recommended.  They don't take my insurance, but I thought it might be worth it if he was really good.  Well, there's no hospital attached to this practice.  They refer you to a private hospital close by.  I know we couldn't afford that.

I don't know how to handle this.  There are two hospitals in our town.....one is really awful and the other is worse.  I was at the better one in the late 80s and it was pretty good then, but it's gone downhill since then.

Anyway, what was comforting was that after I had made the calls and decided I just couldn't manage the cost, I went outside the sit on the back porch.  While I was out there the doctor's office AND the hospital called to check on me.  Then, and this is really embarrassing, a sherrif's deputy came to the house to make sure I was okay.  They had called from out of town to have me checked on.

That kind of caring makes me wonder if cleaning out our savings or taking a second mortgage on the house would be worth it.  I am still thinking about it, but hope I can hold out.  I called my pdoc today and left a message that I desperately needed some change in my medicine to help the depression.  She hasn't called back yet.

If I can make it this time, it will be so much better.  What is there is a next time and there is no money then.  It seems the older I get the worse this disorder gets.

We have pensions that are too much to get any assistance and not enough to pay any bigger medical bills.  No family help.  They are all in worse shape than we are.  We are retired now so thank God (or whoever!) I don't have to go to work.

Sorry for the little novel.  Now that I can type again, I can't stop.

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