Hey I am an 19 year old male who has recently began to lose his mind
I used to be a witty charming teen starting out until I was bullied into becoming a social outcast. I dated a girl with bi polar disorder and she made me go on an emotional roller coaster with her until I got fed up and left her and then I was made to look like the bad guy I lost all my friends and now live in perpetual fear of losing control over a situation or lose friends. I left High School only with bitter memories, no one wanted to be associated with me and ever talked to me because they felt sorry for me.
in college I entered at 17 years old, I was in Army ROTC my grades weren't the best but I had friends finally and a good activity to do. I ended up dating a girl who mentally abused me and even bullied me into feeling inferior she even blamed me for rape when she changed her mind about what we did the night before. I was kicked out of ROTC and lost all my friends again.
With nothing left I did what any sane person would do. I joined the Marines shipped out for boot camp and endured almost 3 months of hell until one day I broke both of my legs and parts of my back after a training exercise. I came back home feeling like a failure again. I let all my friends down in my platoon because I couldn't finish
I came home back to an overcrowded apartment with 11 people living here with my parents. I've been in and out of work I was academically dismissed from college. No college has even responded to my submitted applications and it's been 3 months
I can't live anymore knowing all throughout my teen years everyone else was happy and I wasn't I was always going through something. Recently I've been having thoughts of suicide, my romantic interest joined the marines too and has diverted her attention to someone else who suits her more because I'm a nasty civilian and she's a marine as she puts it
dating sucks for me because I don't know what to say or how to act and I always get the awkward silence to kill everything for me
I can't afford to move out of my parents overcrowded apartment
I've lost all my social life (what was left of it) and so I've come here to ask for help because counseling didn't help
recently I've been so depressed and feeling so helpless and worthless like I'm taking up space, I've been eating less and staying holed up in what I call a hell hole with only games and myself to keep me company almost like if I've hit rock bottom and this is the end of the line. Me a grown ass man cries himself to sleep every night while during the day I wear a fake smile and fake emotions just to seem normal
My fingers are aching just writing this. A little voice in my head is screaming at me and telling me how stupid I am and how worthless this is. It's telling me "nothing can help! NO one is going to listen to you anyway, let alone understand you." Every time I try talk to someone is person they just put me down and tell me "It's just a phase" or "don't worry, you are still developing" Like WTF do they mean?!?! You can't tell me how I feel! No one will ever know exactly how I feel! I know that what I'm feeling my friends don't feel. They aren't screaming inside, or have to pretend to be happy just to fit in.
I can't even describe how bad this has gotten. Every year it gets worse. Last week I felt like slamming my against a wall, and peeling the skin off my face because their was this thing that I couldn't understand sitting in my head and feeding me all this shit.
Sometimes I sit and stare out my window and look at people passing by. I try to figure out what's going on in their life. They all seem so fucking happy. Like why does staring at your phone and petting your partners leg make you feel content? Why does love make you happy? It just all seems so fucking stupid to me.
Why are people happy living in a world where you have zero freedom. I would get thrown behind bars if I tried to take the resources that earth gives us. We are controlled by money; a useless material that has no value in the world of survival. I just don't get it.
And love, whats with that. Isn't it just for sex? Aside from sex, how is it any different from hanging outwith your friends? And considering that divorces and break ups are common, what's the point of putting yourself in that much pain?
Anyway I just wanted to vent, because I'm pretty lost right now and don't really know what to do about it.
Okay so I'm new here and gradually finding my way around... the thing is I actually don't know how to reply to comments people make on things I post? ^^; I tried searching for information but couldn't find what I was looking for. It's probably something really obvious and I'm just being dumb... help please???
By Veli Veli Ruckas
This picture is really not me, most people said I look like a criminal, but in some ways it catches I think the mental anguish that I am going through, maybe I just don't want to be seen, I want my moment of piece and clarity.... oh well, its a lovely place if anyone ever visits montenegro
I’m starting to think that this is one of the main reasons I experience so much social anxiety just from being around people. It feels like I’m telling lies without realising it, doing abnormal or ingenuine things without realising it, and acting out a strange amalgamation of different people I find interesting because I have no person of my own.
These feel like the most unnacceptable things possible to be thinking; there are waves of heat going through my body; my heart is beating weirdly; I want to throw up. It seems like just by being around people I’m showing them that I’m not fully real and there’s something wrong with me, and they can tell simply by being around me(the way I sit, the way I act, the way I look) and the more people show that they’ve realised this the sooner I’m going to have to fully realise it myself and it feels like I’m going to have to get out whichever way, so why not right now?
I think that I’m faking my mental health problems on some sort of subconscious level – is it possible to fake something without realising it, or without realising it beyond a suspicion that it might be happening? That I’m saying stupid things without realising that everyone else is going to see right through them, and people are going to get angry. But there's nothing beyond the pretence, and I couldn't find what was true if my life depended on it.
Then, when I was most certainly depressed I recall breaking down to my mother telling her that I thought I might be faking everything and actually I’m just the worst person ever, and it was pretty obvious that it *was* depression, but then, what if I was just faking it really well, so well that eventually I even convinced myself, using other people to do so? What if I’m the worst person to exist and only trying to convince myself otherwise; what if it's impossible for me to experience suffering which isn't my own fault, only inflict it on myself and others; what if I'm inherently bad and don't even know what good is; what if everyone can tell; what if it sickens everyone to even briefly notice my existence so that they have to shove down thoughts (however fleeting) of wanting me to die?
Please tell me this is a doubt that others have