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madmax15

Women asking me to do things

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 And the answer to your question is no. She is not using you any more than you are using her to drive you places.

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See, the thing is, look at the whole picture. If you just tell us one little part and don’t mention the larger picture until later, how can you expect an adequate answer?  Look at the whole context. If you do her favors and she does you favors, does it balance out overall?  If she drive you and in exchange you help her move and buy her a soda, that’s completely different from if that weren’t the case and she just kept saying buy me soda, make me coffee, etc. Do you see the difference?  With only half the picture, any advice or opinion will only be partially on target. i do agree you could use some counseling in social skills, especially since you don’t seem to recognize that there is context to the situation. There is give and take in a friendship and any one thing can seem right or wrong based on context and overall picture. If you only had barely enough funds to get by and she never helped you, then why should she ask you to buy her something, but if she drives you as a favor at her expense and knows you can afford soda, that’s completely different—can you see the difference?  We can give opinions but only you know the larger picture. 

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On 11/11/2017 at 3:34 PM, jt07 said:

Wait a minute! You are saying that she drives you around and never asks for money either for her time or for petrol or for wear and tear on her car? And you begrudge her a $2 can of soft drink? Man, wake up please. If she is driving you around, you owe her and owe her big-time.

Once again you left out a major fact that gives context to the situation.

The irony SHE said she doesn't want money for petrol because she said she's going there anyway! Then I said "You're still doing me a favor! BUT no she still didn't want money for driving me around!

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Madmax, the way you perseverate over issues and encounters just doesn't seem to be doing you any good. What feedback are you hoping for from us? What would make you able to let this go?

While it's true that CB is a support community, we are not professional therapists, and I just don't see that you're listening to the input that other members have been trying to give you. 

I know you do at least belong to some kind of real life group - do you raise your anxieties and ask for help there?

Edited by MiaB

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On 11/10/2017 at 11:53 PM, madmax15 said:

She said she would pay me back and she drives me around everywhere without wanting money from me for petrol!

Well that's good! Gas is def more than $2 :)

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9 hours ago, madmax15 said:

The irony SHE said she doesn't want money for petrol because she said she's going there anyway! Then I said "You're still doing me a favor! BUT no she still didn't want money for driving me around!

That's because she is being a friend. Friends do things like that for one another.

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14 hours ago, MiaB said:

Madmax, the way you perseverate over issues and encounters just doesn't seem to be doing you any good. What feedback are you hoping for from us? What would make you able to let this go?

You gave me the feedback I was looking for! It's ok for her to ask me to do things because she drives me around?!

 

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26 minutes ago, madmax15 said:

You gave me the feedback I was looking for! It's ok for her to ask me to do things because she drives me around?!

 

The answer is yes, but I don't understand why you are still questioning it as indicated by your question mark.This is why you need social skills counseling because you should be able to see these things for yourself.

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35 minutes ago, jt07 said:

The answer is yes, but I don't understand why you are still questioning it as indicated by your question mark.

Because I'm not sure how far she will go with this? If she does one thing for me then I should pay her back with one thing NOT 10 things?!

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You are way over thinking this. Friends don't keep score cards to use against each other. If you had social skills training then you would know where the line is between helping a friend and being used. I can't tell you that. It's a gut feeling that comes from experience with having friends. I can say this. You have not reached that line yet. My opinion is that you are far from that line given that she drives you around and doesn't ask for money for petrol or for wear and tear on her car.

Are you so afraid of being taken advantage of that you would risk a good friendship? What if the situation were reversed? Would you want someone keeping score against you?

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There aren't set rules when it comes to social interactions. Generally, I expect that with friends what I give and what I get should balance out in the long run, but these things often can't be quantified. After college, I lived with a friend of mine ( we were not dating) who was a very good cook and enjoyed cooking but was struggling to get by financially. I had gotten a good job right after graduation. Many times on weekends, I would pay for some groceries and she would cook for us both. I was putting in more money and she was putting in more time, but I had the money to spend and appreciated the food, so to us this was a fair exchange. As I recall, it really wasn't even something we discussed, it just sort of evolved from us sharing "things" more evenly as to me contributing more "things" and her contributing time and effort since those were, respectively, what we had to offer. If she didn't like to cook, this would not have been fair to her. If I were the one struggling financially, I would not have considered doing this. But given the context, we were both okay with this arrangement.

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47 minutes ago, jt07 said:

What if the situation were reversed? Would you want someone keeping score against you?

At this moment I don't constantly ask my friends to do things for me that I should be doing for myself!

Edited by madmax15
Mistake

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:sleepy:  This is the thread that never ends....there has been a ton of good feedback given here...you keep asking the same question over & over.

Edited by Blahblah

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2 hours ago, madmax15 said:

At this moment I don't constantly ask my friends to do things for me that I should be doing for myself!

At this point, I have to say you haven't listened to a word of advice that was given to you. You obviously have made up your mind that she is using you. Fine. Then break off the friendship.That includes not accepting any more rides from her. But for goodness' sake don't be rude about it.

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On 11/10/2017 at 11:00 PM, madmax15 said:

I would just like a simple Yes or No if my friend is using me...

And right there is the problem. We can't hope to give a reasonable answer because the question is faulty. There is no simple yes or no--most situations aren't binary. The answer depends on context--that raft of details that it takes energy and effort to pay attention to and interpret. But it seems like you are often less interested in understanding the people around you and really just want validation for your gut response to a situation.

If you genuinely are concerned about being able to understand the people around you, well, that takes work. On your social skills, with a therapist. And frankly the level of stress you appear to feel in these situations sounds really difficult to deal with. I know, you've said your therapists have been lemons. But every single person on this board has more than a few lemons in their health care history. But that doesn't mean that all therapists are lemons even though some are. Just like not all people are selfish, malicious, calculated users even though some will ask you to make them a cup of coffee. You need the skills therapy to help you understand social interactions so that you can set healthy boundaries with your friends and new people that you meet. 

And just remember, so far she has asked you to make a cup of coffee, spot her a couple of bucks and do some vacuuming for her while she has driven you around town for free. As you have set out the facts of your interactions, these sound like the kinds of things that nice friends do for each other. Boundaries are important but do you really want to keep a tally sheet with every person in your life?

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