So, I found out recently that my diagnosis had changed from Bipolar 1 to Schizoaffective Disorder: Bipolar Type. This diagnoses switch was done 2 YEARS ago and nobody told me. Sure, my Pdoc at the time said it might be a possibility, but I was really upset that no one bothered to clue me in. Anyway. The thing is, I've been shuffled around through so many Pdocs and psychiatric nurse practitioners and I have never told them my whole story.
My first ever Pdoc asked if I ever had any psychotic symptoms. I said that I would hear my name being called, and before I could say anything else, they laughed me off saying that everyone experiences that. So, being the shy person I am, I thought that I was being silly and never mentioned it again. My last Pdoc, I tried to be more open with and told them about some hallucinations/paranoid thoughts I had...hence change in diagnosis.
Now I am with a new provider whom I don't trust at all. They don't seem to know how to manage me at all, and every session seems to be more and more a waste of time. I am currently switching to another provider, but it will take a bit before I can go. I'm a little nervous because I've tried so many anti psychotics, and am currently not taking one. Sorry, the point is I am planning to give my therapist all the details about things that have been going on for years. Stuff I never had the guts to say, because I know they will listen to me. I am just afraid that since I never said anything to my new provider (or even in the past) my future provider might think that I am making it up since I found out about my new diagnosis. Maybe I'm overthinking things. I don't know. But the only people on my support team that I trust are my family and my therapist.
Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble. I've been in a bad state the last few days and this has been edited and re-edited for your perusal. If there is anyone out there with the same disorder, or just someone with advice, please help me! There is so little info on Schizoaffective disorder, that I would really like to hear from others, maybe hear some coping skills? Everyone is different, but I am open to anything at this moment. Falling asleep last night was hell. My mind was racing all over the place, with layers of thought over layers of thought. I have to sleep with a light now, because shadows will creep the hell out of me. I have poor memory and forget words/mis-say them. My concentration is shot. I lash out in anger and always have this simmering irritability underneath. I'm starting to get the feeling that something is watching me again.
So I’ve recently had my heart broken by someone I thougth was the love of my life. The way he ended the relationship was disrespectful, disregarding our years together and just overal shattered my heart into a million pieces.
The first two weeks I was going on fine, I kept myself busy, I was barely home and I didn’t give myself the time to even think about it. It has been in the last week that it has really hit me. How much I invested into the relationship, only to find out that I was the only one. How much love I still have and have had for this man, only to find out that he didn’t feel the same. How many years I’ve spent building something together, memories, a life, only to be all taken away in a second.
I think what hurts the most, is the when I realized how easily he ended things. Withouth remorse, without so much as a blink of an eye. That really made me realize how little I ment to him. And that’s what hurts the most. Someone being your whole world, and you not being even a speck of theirs.
How could I not see it all along? My friend told me, that it’s because I really did and still do love him. I couldn’t see that he was not as invested as I was. She didn’t see it either.
How do you guys deal with heartbreak? I haven’t been able to eat, sleep or think straight since it happend. And the urges of a relapse are really really strong. I’ve already relapsed in my eating, I don’t want to do it in SI too.
What is something that helped you through a rough breakup? When you feel really worthless, unimportant and just broken?
By Angeni Mai
I'm mostly looking for advice at this moment on how to foster and encourage my significant other's (soon to be married) interests. She seems to want to share a lot of things with me, such as things about other people and all; however, when it comes to her interests, she tells me about them but doesn't include me in them. I know she tries but she also gives up if she even perceives that I'm not interested. Often times it isn't a lack of interest but rather that I may be having a bad day or an having difficulties with things and processing. (I have Cerebral Palsy and multiple mental health diagnoses)
I don't mean to make her feel like I have no interest or I don't want to get along, but is it not ok to indulge in my own thing/ have some alone time? A lot of things I do bother her sensory issues (singing opera, playing jokes, touch randomly without remembering her boundaries because my memory is shit). I want to better our relationship by sharing some in each other's interests but I also still have that need to do my own thing when it is something I know she can't handle. She's also pregnant which makes her sensory issues twice as bad, which has lead to some hard feelings, especially when I would like to sing (as I have a generally loud singing voice as I've sung opera for the past 8 years.
She also has a developmental delay that causes her to need to speak things aloud and get that feedback on social situations and some other things to process them, in which she is quite long-winded most of the time. That has also lead to more hard feelings as it leads to limited time to indulge in anything else but talking from the time we are up until the time she goes to bed. Any other time that's left during the day, she usually insists that we spend it together because she wants to be close but she has also said that if we don't have that closeness each and every day, multiple times a day even (most days) then she and I will be too distant and she won't be able to open back up to me because I'll be a stranger (she has had issues with selective mutism when she was a child is the only thing I could assume she means by she will stop opening up). It may just be a matter of her mental health and I just misunderstood what she meant, however, is it wrong of me to feel like she is somewhat playing mind games/ manipulating me/ twisting my arm for me to pay all of my attention to her?
She is currently visiting from Canada and I live 422 miles away from her home. She has said that things will be different when we go back to Canada in 5 days, but I don't know whether or not I can trust this as I have seen different happen when she's back home and we just talk over video call. She says she doesn't really lie, and I know that, but is it bad of me to feel like she just doesn't really know herself all that well in what she really and needs from a person, especially when she's never really been in a long term relationship before us getting together? I'm really trying to let go of the past but this is just a lot to handle.
Does anybody have any advice on how to cope with these situations? Is it too much for me to continue to wish for and sometimes expect her to understand my needs? Is it too much for me to want to be left alone sometimes (as it helps me to cope with life and process my own emotions)?
I really don't want her or our relationship to suffer because I'm not giving her what she needs.
Thanks for any responses. They are much appreciated.
P.S. ~ Are there any books you would recommend somebody in a relationship with somebody who has ASD reads to have a better understanding of what it is like to have autism or books on how to cope with the differences in their partner?
P.P.S. ~ I know she's not a manipulative person and she wouldn't mindfully force me to do what I don't wish to, it's just I feel backed into a corner most days and I lash out emotionally in anger and start to yell when she's annoying me, most often times at the expense of being called mean when I say something she doesn't view as true and, at the best of times, neither do I. I guess it's just hard when both parties have mental health issues that result in a lot of emotions (and a TON of anger) and developmental issues, and social skills deficits on her end. I love her to death though and just want to make things easier on the both of us, more so on her though.
By X Anime Lover X
I’ll get straight to it, I cut myself.
This was my first time cutting.
I don’t know why, the thought of cutting kept haunting my mind. I decided after school I would do it. Just once.
I was alone in the house at the time and got everything I needed. I had a first aid kit, a small screwdriver and a sharpener.
I took out the blade and I was nervous and did it high up on my thigh. I cut twice on my thigh then on my hips. I got carried away and cleaned up the cuts. There were more cuts then I intended and I cleaned everything up hiding the evidence.
I’m a little shaky from what I did but I don’t regret it.
I don’t believe I did it and it doesn’t bother me.
I’m scared what others will think if they find out.