During my recent internet meanderings, reading about neurotransmitters & such, I came across the interesting symptom called "Memory Torture." Is anyone here familiar with this?
No, it's not like PTSD due to actual torture or abuse... It is quite similar to OCD (the obsessional part). The theory is that inadequate Serotonin leads the person to constantly dwell on every little (or big) moment in life in which emotional pain was experienced. I do this very often, for hours at a time. Memories of something bad that happened to me, and exact words that were exchanged, from the time I was in grade school up to the present, run through my mind. I relive the humiliation, frustration, embarrassment, fear, pain, anger, guilt, and feelings of helplessness. My brain intensifies the feelings and relives them in great detail.
Note, this is not the same as "PTSD" as the difference is, many of these "bad moments" can often be accumulative layered memories of very neutral / benign things that wouldn't cause most people to even remember at all (example: small critical remark a friend made decades ago, reliving disappointment over past employment because you hear something on the news that talks about a city where your former supervisor worked.) Does anyone relate?
Anyone often experience constant, ruminating negative thoughts (They are not severe at all, and NOT having to do with self harm or suicide) but just constant negative thoughts about your situation/job/spouse/life that are difficult to distract yourself from?
These are not "racing thoughts", manic nor impulsive thoughts either - They are very repetitive thought patterns that get in the way of experiencing (or enjoying) the moment or noticing what is around you?
I think this is a common part of Depression, however, I've had certain doctors say this is a "Bipolar" cycling thing. What do you think? Is there a medication you feel helps with this?
I haven`t been on here for a long time...my doc had raised my dose at least a year ago and Ive been on luvox 150mg in morning and 150mg at bedtime. He made a mistake and accidentally put on the bottle to take 200mg in morning and 200mg at night. I have been very anxious lately because I am recovering from surgery on my hand(been very painful and at times start panicking because I know I will never have full extenton of my wrist because they had to remove a bone, arthritis had set in due to a fall and having it not looked at right away because I thought it was a sprain) anyway it`s been many months now and every now and then I worry that my hand will never b the same.
I have been having anxiety attacks because of that and having to leave the house more often to go 4 physio for my wrist. BUT the reason Im really here is because I am having stupid thoughts that don`t make sense again and if I don`t tell my twin sis I can`t stand the anxiety that will follow until I eventually DO tell her. This makes her very angry at me and she says I don`t even TRY not to tell her and i`m ashamed to admit that i`m so scared of the severe anxiety that comes if I don`t tell her, I just spit it out and pray that she`ll just let it go...which usually isn`t the case. She has very bad nerves too and I only make it worse for her. I have tried to write down these thoughts, tell my Mom instead or even, alone in my room, whisper what I would say and what she`d say then i``d say that it`s ok. HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT....
This time, we were watching a scary movie and I thought it would scare her if I made a really scary laugh out of the blue...but I DIDN`T WANT to scare her...so being really fucked up, I thought if I TOLD her I was going to do the laugh, I wouldn`t actually have to DO the laugh. I told her and she saw right thru the fact that it was still an ocd thing and was pissed off but let it go.....OF COURSE MY MIND couldn't let it go and I did a scary laugh anyway. I SOOOOOO MAD AT MYSELF, AND SO IS SHE. She said that I planned on doing the laugh anyway....IT FEELS LIKE I HAVE NO CONTROL....I FEEL LIKE SHIT BECAUSE ITS BAD ENOUGH I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH OCD, WHY DO I HAVE TO MAKE HER LIFE WORSE TOO....We both suffer from major depression too and she thinks i`m doing it to b mean....I`M NOT...she doesn`t understand, even though she has ocd tendencies. I have full blown ocd and I don`t want to live with it anymore....its like cruel punishment being born this way...very depressed I hate myself for not being able to just think things and leave my twin in peace....I really hate myself right now
My first episode psychosis started June 2013, after a very stressful period which lots of problems happened at the same time and after some sleepless nights. For one week I was living in another world! I completely isolated myself and had lots of delusions and paranoid thoughts.
I was thinking there was a conspiracy and all my family and friends are plotting against me. I was thinking they are controlling my internet and watching me through hidden cameras. I thought that I had a tumor or very dangerous illness and they are not telling me the truth. I was thinking they have spoken with a psychologist and he is telling them what to. All Facebook posts and emails I was receiving was a part of that plan. I didn't know what I am doing and I was writing crazy stuff on Facebook, thinking everybody is following. I also had a very strange and strong headaches and I was taking whatever pill I could think of, but none of them was working. I also had some recurring thoughts, for example reading the same comments 100 times or listening to the same music from dawn to dusk. My brain was like in a loop with obsession to specific thoughts. I didn't really know what I was doing.
After that horrible week, one night I slowly remembered what I did and wrote. I realized that something is wrong with me but I didn't know what! I thought that I am becoming crazy and I cried a lot. In the morning I was calm and I thought that everything is finished. I was very happy until the headaches started again in the evening. At this point I went to the ER, and after many tests including brain MRI and Lumber puncture, the neurologist said I don’t have any physical problems and probably I have psychosis.
I didn't accept that and until the end of August I still believed that I don’t have psychosis and the doctors are not telling me the real problem. They started treating me with Abilify which made me tired and after several days I had restlessness. I can say it is the most horrifying feeling in the world. I had some strange dream-like feelings and I was thinking I’m dying. Every day I was thinking of how to kill myself. I never thought that I could become better. My situation got worse and doctor stopped the Abilify and started Risperdal. After a while I had restlessness again and some very devastating feelings. Doctor reduced the dose and with this change the situation became manageable. But the problems with Risperdal was that it blocked my brain. I couldn't do anything and I was just lying in bed waiting for time to pass. After some weeks I had very severe anxiety and many panic attacks. I was thinking I was becoming crazy and I was suicidal. Doctor gave me Lorazepam and Valium on demand. I also had problems sleeping, having nightmares and night terrors. Doctor gave me some addictive sleep aid pills so I could sleep.
In this horrible three months, I was still delusional and I was still thinking people are following me wherever I go, or monitoring me through cameras and so on (But I was thinking everybody is trying to help me!). Doctor said probably I have paranoid schizophrenia but he wasn't sure. Last week of August, I was less delusional and the doctor stopped Risperdal because I couldn’t do anything and my body wasn't adapting to it. But soon after, that strange headaches started again.
So doctor started Zyprexa 5 mg and warned me about the weight gain and diabetes possibility. I started a diet and going to the gym. Fortunately, not only I didn't gain weight but I also lost 7 kilograms on it. Zyprexa was a miracle drug for me and all the delusions disappeared and I finally accepted my illness! My anxiety and panic attacks also get better. I reduced the dose to 2.5 mg after a while and I could sleep without sleeping pills.
But after a while, I went into a severe depression and mode swings. I didn't have motivation for doing anything and I was sleeping 12 hours a day. Doctor gave me Cipralex (Lexapro). After just a week I had a terrible anxiety so I discontinued but the anxiety didn't go away! After that I struggled with anxiety for several months. I was using Xanax, Valium, Rivotril, etc. to calm down.
In March, doctor started 10 mg of Prozac and my depression and anxiety got better after several weeks. In May, I reduced Zyprexa to 1.25 mg and after 2 weeks I stopped it. But severe anxiety and bad feeling started and I restarted taking 1.25 mg again. Since 2 weeks ago (July) I reduced to 0.625 mg and had a little anxiety and insomnia. But it went away after some days. I’m now quite well but still tired in the mornings. I can do my everyday tasks but I still have problems with concentration. I am planning to stay at this dose and after some weeks make it every other day and then cut it off.
Is this a good idea to stop taking Zyprexa since I didn't have delusions or paranoia for about one year and am feeling normal? My other question is I don’t know what exactly my illness is!! If I had a first episode psychosis and fortunately I will not have another episode, or I am Schizophrenic?
Thank you for reading my long story. Any comments would be appreciated.